To think my bedroom is out of bounds to visitors

[YoshimiBTPR]

My exPIL visit occasionally. I leave DC2 with them while I collect DC1. I have previously asked them not to play in my bedroom - to stick to downstairs or the DCs bedrooms.

This week FIL said he went in my bedroom and pulled my bed out looking for a toy DS2 thought was there. I was really annoyed. I had put all my private things in my room and closed the door - and there is a journal and paperwork by my bed. I was also embarrassed because it was messy. Underwear etc.

I genuinely don't think he sees it as an invasion of privacy like I feel it is.

I don't want to leave them here alone again but I don't want to overreact. I feel petty even describing it. Would you mind family going in your room? I didn't like it when I was living with ex and his family went in our bedroom then too. He never saw a problem.

We have relatives who, though otherwise very nice, have a tendency to think that they are entitled to our financial information.

We have caught them looking through our files, as a result the study door is locked before they visit.

The same relatives have also let themselves into the house when we were away on holiday so now they don't have a key.

Get a lock fitted.

Don't defend yourself if they ask about it. It's your home and absolutely none of their business whether you have a lock on that your door or not.

I don't normally keep a journal, it was actually a book with notes for a therapy session. So really really private. Which I still feel utterly mortified to think he might have seen.

And I'd had a rushed morning so it was my unmade bed complete with underwear that he pulled out.

I guess I need to be less slovenly is at least part of the message! Maybe that was part of the problem. And I guess it's unusual by the sounds of it to have private things that you need to keep "secret".

And back story I was without a bedroom for a very long time so yes my bedroom is a sanctuary. My DC love it and regularly sleep with me. It's bliss. But I wanted a normal perspective on things. Sounds like lots of people wouldn't have a problem.

I think on balance a lock will stop me being paranoid and might make things more relaxed for all of us if I'm not feeling worried.

Ive said paranoid too many times. I've got Peep Show song in my head now MaddHugger

Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me

You aren't paranoid in the least.

I'd be furious.

Your bedroom is a sanctuary. Feck off anyone else.

Some people just do not understand boundaries anymore.

I would go ballistic if someone entered my bedroom as a visitor. But that won't happen because it is MINE and no one else's. Lock on the door when the invaders arrive. Self preservation.

Everyone is different. I don't care about anywhere else in the house, but no one opens the bedroom door and rummages around. EVER.

See how FIL would like that in his house. LOL.

Why have you taken away that you need to be less slovenly? It's your private space, if you haven't got time to tidy it, then who cares except you? Don't feel bad or guilty for having an untidy bedroom - you must have a lot going on without the added stress of thinking you need to have your own private space perfectly turned out.

Getting a lock is a good idea if your ex / ex-PILs are coming to your house. Think about whether they could see your DC in a different setting though - over time you will want your home to be your sanctuary.

he said he didn't see the problem

I'd put a lock on the room, but I'd also tell him politely, but clearly, that he doesn't need to understand why, or see the problem, all he needs to do is to respect your wishes in your home, by not entering your room again.

I wouldn't mind at all if any of my family or friends went into my bedroom. I would not suspect that they would look at private papers or a journal; that is a terrible thing to do. I don't care if they see my mess and my laundry.

It wouldn't occur to me to refuse to go into a bedroom to look for a missing toy for a child. If someone told me not to go into their bedroom, I wouldn't go in.

How old is DC2? Can you ask your child if s/he lost a toy in your Bed ?

Oh - I'm doing what I always do. Only hearing the things that feed into my self criticism. All views are legitimate of course - but I'm honing in on those which add to me feeling paranoid or unreasonable.

Thanks for all comments.

I'm always polite in how I speak to them. For whatever reasons I need my privacy and that is ok. It doesn't need me to overthink it. I can easily deal and still be polite.

Of course you can.

Taking control of your own environment isn't rude!

My relatives said "the study is always locked". I just smiled and said "yes it is".

It's never been mentioned again.

People tend to challenge you less if you don't try to make excuses for things.

Be confident in yourself and your right to privacy. You don't need to explain it, excuse it, and you certainly don't need to apologise for it.

It really fucking pisses me off when you ask someone not to do something, they say "Oh I dont see the problem" so carry on regardless. Its not up to them to decide your boundaries! I suspect that boundaries and keeping them is a big issue for you so rather than cause a scene, which I would do as I am not exactly subtle, I would put a lock on the door. It makes the point without you having to say a word.

If Dick Head Ex comments then ask why he thinks its any of his business.

Are you addressing your self criticism and perceived paranoia in therapy? Because honestly, you are not paranoid at all.

I was brought up to respect others privacy and bedrooms and expect my children not to take friends into my room - even on FaceTime!! I do not want visitors in my room either they are welcome to the rest of the house

FIL could've said to wait until mum gets home to retrieve the toy - he may not see a problem - but it's not his choice

Can't understand the people who have said a bedroom is just a room with a bed and they would be perfectly happy to have family traipsing through it. They must have very boring lives or be incredibly confident that their family wouldn't snoop!

Excuse the TMI but I have a bedside table drawer full of sex toys and a drawer full of kinky underwear/nightwear. Also a drawer full of confidential paperwork and important bank statements etc. And then I also have a wardrobe full of designer handbags (bit ashamed of the extent of the collection and don't really want everyone knowing just how much money I've spent on them...).

These things are all stored in the bedroom because it is PRIVATE! Seeing as OP is going through a divorce I also think it's even more important that she has private space and can be confident she can keep certain things/paperwork hidden.

Don't leave your ex Father in law in your house when you are not there for a start. Why is he even still coming round to yours anyway, surely, he can see his grandchildren at his own home or the dad's (especially if you have a new partner) and you don't seem to have an particularly good relationship with him.

Your home, your rules. I like to keep my room private too :) it's just one space that is 'mine'.

Sorry not to manage to answer all posts. Yes, have looked at it in therapy and despite how I sound here I am generally getting much much better at not questioning myself. And getting there on boundaries. Slowly.

Good for you Yosh

Once again, the bedroom, the toy, and the bed are all red herrings. The crux of the situation is that you asked him not to do something and he big fat did it anyway. That is a basic lack of respect for you and is completely unacceptable.

"It really [irks me] when you ask someone not to do something, they say "Oh I don't see the problem" so carry on regardless. It's not up to them to decide your boundaries!"

Exactly. I don't want to hear how it doesn't bother you, I don't want a half hour lecture on why you don't think you did anything wrong, I don't want you rules lawyering about how what you did isn't REALLY what I asked you not to do, and I REALLY don't want to hear that I'm being "unreasonable". When I ask you not to do something that directly pertains to myself or my belongings, what I expect is for you to say "oops, yes, sure, I'll keep that in mind going forward", and what I expect for you to do is RESPECT me.

Totally don't see the issue here.

A lock?! I don't make a habit of going into my PILs' bedroom but if they got a lock for it I'd feel very unwelcome in their home indeed.

but if they got a lock for it I'd feel very unwelcome in their home indeed

Which I'd feel I'd deserved if I'd ignored their wishes.

Your fil went to get a toy that he was told was there. Sorry but he surely helping. Did i miss something. I never go into my pil bedroom and send dh in for the hairdryer but if got told something was in the bedroom by dc and owner of bedroom not there id go in for it as its helping dc.

Im aware my post say yabu and yanbu. Im on the wall 😜

YANBU it's YOUR house your rules.
I don't think you're being paranoid at all. It's about respect surely. A bedroom especially is a private space and should be treated accordingly, even if you sometimes let your DC sleep/play there, it's not a green light for anyone to saunter in on whatever pretext. Particularly if you've already said not to go in.

I'd be furious. There are things in our bedroom that are not for anyone's (especially parents, in-laws or children's eyes) eyes and are things they don't need to know about DH and I.