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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my bedroom is out of bounds to visitors

105 replies

YoshimiBTPR · 10/06/2017 21:54

My exPIL visit occasionally. I leave DC2 with them while I collect DC1. I have previously asked them not to play in my bedroom - to stick to downstairs or the DCs bedrooms.

This week FIL said he went in my bedroom and pulled my bed out looking for a toy DS2 thought was there. I was really annoyed. I had put all my private things in my room and closed the door - and there is a journal and paperwork by my bed. I was also embarrassed because it was messy. Underwear etc. Blush

I genuinely don't think he sees it as an invasion of privacy like I feel it is.

I don't want to leave them here alone again but I don't want to overreact. I feel petty even describing it. Would you mind family going in your room? I didn't like it when I was living with ex and his family went in our bedroom then too. He never saw a problem.

OP posts:
kel1234 · 10/06/2017 22:32

I wouldn't like anyone else going into our bedroom, certainly not when I'm not there. I don't see the need to be in there.

sodablackcurrant · 10/06/2017 22:33

Why did he tell you he had been in your room?

Would you have noticed if he hadn't said anything?

Lock The Door.

xyzandabc · 10/06/2017 22:35

As the OP reads, it sounds like you asked them not to play in your bedroom. They didn't play in your bedroom. FIL went in there specifically to retrieve a toy your child thought was in there.

Had you said please don't go in my bedroom for any reason, it's my private space and out of bounds to everyone then YANBU. But if you just asked them not to play in there then YABU as they did not play in there.

Unless there's more to it than is in the OP then just tell PIL not to go in to your room, even if child asks them to. No need for locks at this stage.

Changednamesorry · 10/06/2017 22:37

I really couldn´t get wound up about this to be honest. My parents in law wandered in and out of our bedroom when they came to stay and I didn´t mind in the least. IT´s not like he´s here to fix the boiler, he´s family! And you left him taking care of your kid - and he was looking for a toy.......for your kid. Part of keeping the child happy presumably. Nothing to get your knickers i a twist about....speaking of knickers I think most people don´t go rummaging through the knickers of others! relax!

drinkingtea · 10/06/2017 22:42

My dcdont even go in my room without asking just as I ask before going into their rooms - nothing to do with having anything to hide, everything to do with everyone over about 4 respective g each other's right to a little bit of privacy.

Nobody who doesn't live in the house has any excuse for entering anyone else's bedroom unless they believe it is a genuine emergency. Overstepping stated boundaries is absolutely goady and unacceptable.

MrsKoala · 10/06/2017 22:47

In answer to the question would i mind if family went into my bedroom - no. We don't care. We leave all doors open and everyone is welcome in every room. But then we don't really have bedrooms either here. More rooms with beds in them that we all mix and match, so we don't have specific rooms we consider our own so much. But even when we did, we didn't care who went in it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 22:50

Is your home the former marital home? Did your PIL consider it to be more his home than yours? I got this when ex and I split up despite me paying as much into thehouse as he had, his mum still considered the house to be his that he was "giving" or "losing" to me in the divorce, depending on her mood. My contribution wasnt a consideration.

Some people get funny about stuff like that, could FIL be thinking that although you are living there its still his sons home really so he is proving that point by going where he likes? Pissing on his sons territory for him. He may not even be doing it consciously.

Original poster
YoshimiBTPR · 10/06/2017 22:50

Ravenblack I've had the same issue with ex going in my bedroom when he's here and I think you've described his position. It's been a bit of a thing which is why I worry I'm overreacting to his dad.

I think exFIL just doesn't get it. And yes, it was to get a toy for DS.

Mixed views. I will try and be very discreet if adding a lock so as not to cause offense. I'm mid divorce - I have a lot of things I dont want them seeing.

Ex made me feel paranoid and unbalanced for changing all my IT passwords etc and laughed at me. Unfortunately I think he's right, I do get paranoid. He really will think I've lost it if he sees a lock.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoshimiBTPR · 10/06/2017 22:54

Pyongyang no, ex has never lived here. But it's jointly owned so that all might apply.

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 10/06/2017 22:59

Yoshi why do you believe you deserve no privacy at all?

Men often have sheds or send or man caves where money allows any extra space.

Teens are allowed to be protective of their privacy.

Women are told the kitchen communal spaces are "theirs" but obviously all family members have full, unlimited access.

Adult women are the only ones who rarely get their own private space even when it is economically very much possible, and in fact should be a non issue, easy, no problems. Still not an option.

Women need no private space. Ever. Apparently even when single.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 23:00

Who gives a fuck what he thinks?

If he does then say "Its not paranoid, its necessary when people keep ignoring my requests for privacy"

And again, the passwords thing. Its the first thing anyone should do in the event of a divorce, all the rules change and the ex no longer has the right to any information about you that you do not wish the share.

Was him putting you down one of the reasons for the split by any chance? He was probably hoping you would change them back so he could spy on you.

drinkingtea · 10/06/2017 23:02

*send = dens. Or studies.

So many men believe they need a sacrosanct private room but that their women "have the whole house" (shared with all other household members, including the man who has the sacred private room) so don't need actual privacy, even as à courtesy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/06/2017 23:03

Why should he see the lock anyway? What is he doing going upstairs in your home?

Or are you at that horrible stage where he has made you think its perfectly acceptable for him to take over your house when the mood takes him to see the kids? If so then I suggest that you put a stop to it immediately. He takes the kids out or to his parents, start as you need to go on.

Ollivander84 · 10/06/2017 23:06

Nope not on. My friends go in my bedroom but I'm ok with it and they know I don't mind

Crumbs1 · 10/06/2017 23:08

I'd hate a house with locks. The bedroom is just a room with a bed in it. Personally, I can't see the issue. He went to find your child a toy. If he glimpsed some laundry, so what?

NC4now · 10/06/2017 23:09

Blimey Couldn't - that's a bit of a leap!

I was brought up that adults bedrooms are out of bounds. I thought that was just general politeness.

MIL stayed over a few weeks ago to babysit while we were away. I mae the bed up, but she insisted on sleeping on the sofa.

gamerchick · 10/06/2017 23:10

My bedroom doorknob has a lock in it. It's not locked all the time but nothing is getting in my bedroom when I lock it. Try b&q for a set. They're reasonable price wise.

Yika · 10/06/2017 23:13

In general I think that adults' bedrooms are private space unless otherwise indicated... but I do think you are overreacting a bit. Just repeat the message each time. I think the lock is OTT.

teapotter · 10/06/2017 23:15

Wow, this thread is enlightening. I grew up with 7 in a 3 bed so there was no such thing as privacy. My DH seems to have similar views despite having a bigger house. I would expect my FIL not to let the kids play in my bedroom, but if they said a toy had been left in there then of course he could go and hunt for it in my chaos. I would do the same in their house.

I'm guessing this is more a clash of cultures than anything else. Don't read too much into it, I'm sure he's embarrassed. Explain again if you think it necessary but unless he's a total perv there's no need to lock the door.

MadamePomfrey · 10/06/2017 23:16

It's hard if you dc genuinely though his toy was in there and was pestering a lot or getting very upset I can see why he went into your room! I can also completely get why you don't want him in there I think a lock is perfect if he does see or ask just say you don't want the dcs going in when you aren't supervising!

HappyFlappy · 10/06/2017 23:16

There's nothing in my life I would be embarrassed to have on the front page of a national newspaper

Same with my life Orphanage - but I still wouldn't like to think that someone had been in my bedroom! It's a private area - that doesn't mean that it's shameful, just that it s no-one else's business and I wouldn't want anyone in there.

OP - you're exFIL is acting shamefully!

LittleBeautyBelle · 10/06/2017 23:26

He pulled your bed away from the wall to look for a toy??

Sorry, he's a weirdo and tried to explain why he was snooping in your bedroom. The toy conveniently went into your room under your bed. Right.

Nobody is supposed to go into your bedroom like that. Very poor manners, he knows better than that. Bedrooms are private spaces. Even though there's nothing in my bedroom that is embarrassing, I don't keep journals or anything like that, just to do lists, things of that nature but I still don't expect adults who don't live in my house to just waltz into my bedroom.

Get a lock. Or, put a cam and see what he does next time.

TheMaddHugger · 10/06/2017 23:34

Put a hidden camera in your bedroom to see what's really going on. And make sure there are NO toys in your room first

And ((((((((Hugs))))))))))

To think my bedroom is out of bounds to visitors
Kokusai · 10/06/2017 23:35

I can see in your situation it would really bother you.

I don't have anything oaritucaky private in my room (apart from the sex toy drawer) so don't mind friends and family going into my bedroom.

TheMaddHugger · 10/06/2017 23:38

oaritucaky ?? Is that autocorrect gone wrong ? Kokusai