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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell exP to take clothes to charity shop

20 replies

Mari50 · 10/06/2017 21:46

My DD mentioned that her dads new girlfriend had given her lots of hand me downs from her own daughter.
My DD said the clothes were horrible and she doesn't want to wear them. She described a few things and they are v different to the clothes she normally wears (I'm not going to describe as clothes are entirely personal)
Anyway I messaged ex to say DD was quite upset about the expectation that she should wear these clothes, they aren't to her taste but that it was kind of his gf to think of her. I suggested he take them to a charity shop (I can't imagine giving them back will go well)
AIBU?

OP posts:
writingsonthewall · 10/06/2017 21:52

Yes you ABU to get involved at all

KinkyAfro · 10/06/2017 21:54

Of course OP is going to get involved, it's her daughter. I think you did the right thing amd hopefully he'll understand

Smellbellina · 10/06/2017 21:55

How old is DD?

MommaGee · 10/06/2017 21:59

Unless DD is an adult, why would UP not get involved?
I'm sorry your unhappy DD but I don't care cos I Cant see you?

Does DD take clothes with her or does she have clothes there? If he went give them away I'd just make sure DD has enough of her own clothes

writingsonthewall · 10/06/2017 22:02

Because it's not a big issue, she's got some hand me down clothes, I'm pretty sure she's not being forced to wear them. Just don't wear them.

Plus for her to have strong opinions over her style sounds likes she's old enough for her to speak to her dad herself. Her mum micro managing every situation may seem a bit controlling. She's her dads child too.

chantico · 10/06/2017 22:02

Whatever her age, DD won't want to be in the middle of this.

I don't think you should text again.

If it happens in future, then put the clothes away somewhere for a while and ask later if they wants them back or if you can charity shop them on the grounds that 'DD doesn't wear them any more' (no need to add she never did in the first place) and 'they don't really fit now' (without adding 'well, that's possibly true for some of them')

Lelloteddy · 10/06/2017 22:04

How old is she?

Original poster
Mari50 · 10/06/2017 22:07

DD is 8, she's scared of saying anything to upset her dad as he can be quite forceful about things (i.e anything that goes against his opinions)
I recently bought several outfits for him (at his request) so she had clothes to wear at his house.
I send clothes up for her when she stays at his.
DD asked me to message him.

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 10/06/2017 22:32

Are these clothes at your ex's house? If so then you should stay out of it. Your dd needs to recognize her father as an equal parent, especially if she lives with him half the time.

And why are you buying clothes for her to have at her father's house. He should be managing that.

Billben · 10/06/2017 22:33

Yes you ABU to get involved at all

How on earth can OP not get involved?

And what does it matter how old her DD is? If the clothes are not to her taste then she shouldn't be made to wear them. End of.

Original poster
Mari50 · 10/06/2017 22:47

She spends every other weekend with her dad.
He asked me to buy the clothes, it was no great hardship helping out and better that than leaving dd with no clothes, I also sent up some clothes from mine. I also send her with clothes whenever she goes to his.
I was just interested if this was something I should let lie or I should have intervened. DD is quite specific about me not contacting her dad about anything that upsets usually (he tends to undermine her feelings, disregard her or even gaslight her)

OP posts:
MommaGee · 11/06/2017 14:18

I am so confused by the concept that whilst a child is with the other parent, they suddenly are no concern of yours. That even though the child is upset and clearly not able to talk to the other parent that its tough. You're not under my roof so please go be unhappy quietly!
If DD is unhappy and has asked OP for support, why would you not?

If DD has sufficient there can she just not put them on? Presumably she dresses herself so perhaps validation from you that its ok to not wear them? Or is she getting hassle about not wearing them, other clothes taken away etc?

Original poster
Mari50 · 11/06/2017 14:54

I've told her to dress herself when she's at her dads and that I'll always make sure she has enough clothes of her own to choose from.
I haven't heard from her dad, which means he'll probably ask her but I know she'll deny everything -she told me as much. She's scared that he'll shout at her and she'll get in trouble (you know what he's like she said)
There's obviously a bigger picture here but the fact that she asked me to message her dad is important. Typically she doesn't want her dad to know if there are issues because of how he deals with things (he usually disregards her feelings or intimidates her into agreeing with him)
I feel like I'm sending her into the lions den when she goes to her dads, he has his own agenda and if anyone or anything deviates from his ideas then they are the problem. He has no empathy at all.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5919 · 11/06/2017 14:59

You were perfectly polite about it I don't see the issue.

The gf was trying to be kind but clothes are a personal taste and your dd isn't keen, fair enough. You were polite

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/06/2017 17:22

If these hand me downs are back at your house why didn't you just give them to charity without even telling him? You mentioned giving them bsck.

If they then asked you'd give the explanation that they weren't to her taste.

witsender · 11/06/2017 17:24

Why make a song and dance? Thanks very much, that's kind, shove to back of wardrobe until forgotten.

witsender · 11/06/2017 17:26

You have made an issue of this. Now he is likely to mention it to her isn't he?

29Palms · 11/06/2017 17:45

Since she's only there every other weekend, there's no need for the clothes to be kept at his house. The thing to do was get them packed up and brought back to your house. Then you could have just disposed of them quietly without anyone knowing.

BeepBeepMOVE · 11/06/2017 17:58

You could have said it much nicer. Didn't have to mention charity shop at all. Just thanks for the clothes, and then she wears others. 'm sure theres a t-shirt or cards she could wear once so as to appear gracious. Why are you trying to create drama?

Original poster
Mari50 · 11/06/2017 18:04

They're at his house, there's no way the clothes will be sent down to mine for me to discretely dispose.
I messaged him because dd asked me to, I think she wanted to preempt any issues and I know that she wouldn't be able to tell him she didn't want to wear them if he asked her to. He would just brush aside her feelings and tell her to put them on.
When I mentioned giving them back, I was meaning he isn't going to give them back to his gf as it might offend her that dd didn't like them. From dd's description he'd have known straight away she wouldn't have liked them.
Maybe he'll surprise me, he maybe accepted them cause he didn't want to upset gf but won't expect dd to wear them.

OP posts:
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