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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I overreacted?

52 replies

purple12345 · 10/06/2017 16:20

Bear with me, there's quite a bit of back story and don't want to drip feed.

DH and I have been married for 18 months. Recently we're both shocked to find out we were pregnant. We weren't trying but both happy at the accident.

DH was originally going to go home (North Africa) and spend a year with his elderly parents having not been home in 10 years and then apply for a spousal visa for him to come back.

DH has now decided that he wants to stay in the U.K. and we will apply for that visa over here and visit his parents next year with baby.

Everything seemed to be going well, attending appointments and been buying little bits for new baby.

Had a lovely night last night and when we were lying in bed he suddenly comes out with he's not happy I'm pregnant! Naturally I got a bit upset at this (sobbed my heart out)!

He says I'm not taking his feelings into account as he's had to change his plans and he's upset with that. I'm being unreasonable getting upset!

I've told him to go home then, I never said he had to stay!

He can't see why I got upset with him and I'm starting to question whether it's just me overreacting due to the pregnancy hormones!

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 10/06/2017 16:23

He can be happy about the baby and upset that he's not getting his year at home at the same time.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/06/2017 16:24

Erm - you're asking if it's hormones making you upset that basically your DH has said he doesn't want your baby as it prevents him from leaving you for a year to go back home?

Personally I don't understand why you'd want to leave your new wife for a year anyway? But certainly it's a very strange reaction from him towards his wife and mother of his unborn child.

fanfrickintastic · 10/06/2017 16:25

Whilst he is allowed to voice his fears and concerns, I don't think you over reacted.

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/06/2017 16:32

Two people made this baby.

It's very odd he was planning on going away for a year having just got married. Yanbu to be upset. It's extremely unfair to hold you responsible for a decision he made all by himself due to consequences of actions between both of you. He surely knows that unless you don't have sex at all pregnancy is always a possibility.

Why does he want to go home for an entire yr. Doesn't sound like your anything bit a visa to him tbh

OlennasWimple · 10/06/2017 16:35

Sounds like he's getting cold feet (understandable! I think most first time parents to be have moments of wobbling, especially when the pregnancy has had a major impact on plans). But it doesn't mean that he doesn't want the baby, or that he isn't happy about it deep down.

More to the point, you need to have a calm conversation about what you both really feel about the pregnancy and take it from there.

FilledSoda · 10/06/2017 16:36

Well if avoiding pregnancy was that important to him he could have taken steps to do exactly that. It seems unfair to put all the responsibility at your door.
Honestly though the most shocking thing in your post is that he was planning to go away for a year, a whole year?
That's mad !

Original poster
purple12345 · 10/06/2017 16:40

The year home was basically because he hasn't been home for 10 years, we had originally wanted to both go but I decided to focus on my job (I've a good chance of managers job and progression) and would fly out and have long hold with him etc. I understood that because it's his family, parents are old and I would want to do the same in his position!

As for him using me for a visa we have actually known each other for 9 years so I totally trust that he is with me for me not a visa.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 10/06/2017 16:52

But why now?

I mean he could have gone at any time. Why choose to go when you should be settling into married life.

I mean im.pretty lenient I am not bothered when do goes to stay with his family for a few days or to dog sit while they go away.

But even I'd be annoyed if he buggered off for a yr. If going home hasn't mattered at all in the last ten years why does it matter nore than his wife and baby now.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/06/2017 16:59

What happened to your other thread about this?

LedaP · 10/06/2017 17:00

They have been married 18 months. Its not new.

Op yanbu to be upset. But i dont think he is unreasonable to be a bit upset he cant go home as planned (if you were happy with the plans for him to go, it really doesnt matter what others think) and to have cold feet.

I had cold feet over both my pregnancies and both were planned. I still get a bit miffed at stuff i cant do because of the kids. But then i get over it.

But i do see how this could be upsetting for you too.

AfunaMbatata · 10/06/2017 17:02

A whole year is a bloody long time! Can't he just visit for 2 months like most do?

This might sounds terrible but are you sure he isn't planning on finding a second wife there? Just seems very odd..

happypoobum · 10/06/2017 17:04

I get why he would want to see his family if he hasn't been home for ten years, but why would he have to go back for an entire year? Confused

Can he not go and spend a week with them like anybody else?

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 10/06/2017 17:06

The year away plan was really bizarre.

Did he actually say he isn't happy about the baby, or just that he isn't happy about changing his plans?

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 10/06/2017 17:15

Why hasn't he been home for so long and why would he need to go for a year? It only takes about 5 hours to fly to North Africa so anyone can easily visit for regular holidays.

diddl · 10/06/2017 17:18

A year long visit?

Can't quite get my head around that tbh.

How did it get to being 10yrs since his last visit?

When you've got to 10yrs, what difference will one more honestly make?

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 10/06/2017 17:19

so he doesn't actually already have a permanent visa/stay?
why can't you apply for his spousal visa whilst he's here?

Having seen this happen plenty of times before, i think you're rather naive.
The year he spends there would be typically used to tie up loose ends/assets etc.....so once he's got his own permanent UK stay he can apply to bring his parents over.

He would need a 'sponsor' to get his visa - which is you.
You have to be earning X amount to be his sponsor - so i can understand why he's been 'supportive' of your career advancement.
The same when he brings his parents over (typically on a 6 month visa), your earnings will be used to sponsor them.

Have you spoken about how he will manage care for his parents etc as they grow older?

As for the pregnancy - well of course it's YOUR fault you got pregnant and scuppered his well thought out plans.....you're a woman afterall and it isn't the man's responsibility to 'take care' of these things Hmm

Your finances will be supporting your new arrival - not him or his parents.
i can understand why he's upset....

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 10/06/2017 17:21

From what i know, it can take up to a year to get the spousal visa sorted.

BabsGanoush · 10/06/2017 17:23

What's he going to do about work whilst he is away? Is he taking a year off?

What is he going to do for money whilst he is away?

AnyFucker · 10/06/2017 17:25

Who is funding this year long jolly ?

SimplyNigella · 10/06/2017 17:25

I'm confused, does he not have a spousal visa now?

Funnyfarmer · 10/06/2017 17:27

How far along are you?

Funnyfarmer · 10/06/2017 17:28

What was his initial reaction?

Original poster
purple12345 · 10/06/2017 17:28

No I don't think he is going over to get himself another wife! Originally I was going to take a year break in my career and do charity work over there for experience however I decided to concentrate on my potential management post, NOT HIM.

He does not want his parents to come over here, they are elderly and unwell and he is panicking in case anything happens to them and he has not seen them! He has 10 siblings who share the care... I suppose he wants to feel like he has done his bit.

He owns his own home over there and a small business which provides us with more income than my job does, so he does pay his way.

OP posts:
Original poster
purple12345 · 10/06/2017 17:30

Im just 12 weeks. He was initially shocked but happy, as was I!

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 10/06/2017 17:32

So The parents are well looked after there is plenty of money.

Then why a year. Why not a month.why can't his family just call him if they get sicker.

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