Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I overreacted?

52 replies

purple12345 · 10/06/2017 16:20

Bear with me, there's quite a bit of back story and don't want to drip feed.

DH and I have been married for 18 months. Recently we're both shocked to find out we were pregnant. We weren't trying but both happy at the accident.

DH was originally going to go home (North Africa) and spend a year with his elderly parents having not been home in 10 years and then apply for a spousal visa for him to come back.

DH has now decided that he wants to stay in the U.K. and we will apply for that visa over here and visit his parents next year with baby.

Everything seemed to be going well, attending appointments and been buying little bits for new baby.

Had a lovely night last night and when we were lying in bed he suddenly comes out with he's not happy I'm pregnant! Naturally I got a bit upset at this (sobbed my heart out)!

He says I'm not taking his feelings into account as he's had to change his plans and he's upset with that. I'm being unreasonable getting upset!

I've told him to go home then, I never said he had to stay!

He can't see why I got upset with him and I'm starting to question whether it's just me overreacting due to the pregnancy hormones!

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 10/06/2017 17:34

Why has he got a home and a business in a country that he hasn't visited in 10 yrs - utterly bizarre .

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/06/2017 17:36

It doesn't matter how long you have known him. You are just a means to a visa. Friend is going through divorce proceedings atm and sounds exactly like your set up. They have known each other 25 years.

Sounds like he is definitely getting upset because you are spending money on baby instead of him and eventually his parents.
Given what my friend has been through I would run a mile. He also has another wife she has found out about.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2017 17:36

Have you seen this "own home and business" ?

expatinscotland · 10/06/2017 17:40

He'll invalidate his visa by being out of the country so long.

Schleeping · 10/06/2017 17:42

Sounds like a very immature and selfish thing to say. Both of you were equally complicit in making this baby. No one has forced him to change his plans. I think it's quite mean of him to say this to you, the woman carrying his child.

taky90 · 10/06/2017 17:42

Weird to get married then leave your spouse for a year! However if the pregnancy wasn't planned and you all agreed that he was going to go away for that long then maybe it's normal for him to not happy with the pregnancy....which is upsetting to you as I will be upset too if my husband didn't want our baby.

CoolCarrie · 10/06/2017 17:43

Sorry OP, but there is something off in his set up and I do think you are very naive. As pp said, have you seen the business of his? Have you meet his parents or siblings at all? Why hasn't he gone home to visit his family there in 10 years? That on its own is very odd. I am sorry but his whole story is odd. Don't be so trusting

unfortunateevents · 10/06/2017 17:45

Why can't he just now to visit his parents for a month or so? If his business is providing sufficient income for him to take a year off next year, then surely he can just go now for a month, see his parents and still be here to support you during the pregnancy?

Original poster
purple12345 · 10/06/2017 17:45

Thanks everyone you clearly know my husband better than me! I'll just get started on leaving the bastard then! For those who offered genuine advice about my actual question, heartfelt thanks!

OP posts:
runninggranny · 10/06/2017 17:46

The way things are at the moment, with the government wanting to cut down on emigration there is no guarantee he is going to get a visa on his return, or am I missing something?

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/06/2017 17:50

We don't need to know your dh tbh.

No one unless they are in the army and deployed buggers off for a year and leaves their wife behind.

Aren't you curious as to why his parents suddenly matter so much now when he's been quite happy to let his brothers and sisters get on with it up til now.

They can't matter that much to him or her not have left it 10 years.

And this business.... what no staff changes? no crisis? no mechanical failures? no meetings? No medical emergencies that have needed him at all?

It doesn't make sense at all

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/06/2017 18:00

Clearly you didn't like the replies on your first thread either. No matter how many threads you start, you'll get the same replies. You can ignore them if you like and we will still all be here to pick up the pieces when it happens because no matter how shitty you get with us, that's what we do 💐

Funnyfarmer · 10/06/2017 18:08

Think it's quite natural for men to have a wobble. Even I had a "wtf am I doing"
moment on my 1st.
You just have to keep taking it through with him.
Has he suggested that you terminate pregnancy or hinted towards it?
If not and you have an otherwise happy marriage I wouldn't worry too much.
As I said before most men have a panic after the initial shock sets in.
Your aloud to overreact for the 9, maybe 18 months Smile

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/06/2017 18:13

The reason he hasn't gone home in 10 years is because he might not have got back into the country.

Now he has a wife then there will be less hassle at immigration

indigox · 10/06/2017 18:17

I don't think you've overreacted but him disappearing for a year is crazy.

valeriej43 · 10/06/2017 18:18

If he is away for a year,he will miss the birth of his baby,which really should be important to him,
I tend to agree with the other posters, a year is a very long time,he could go for a couple of months and be here to support you through your pregnancy
I think he is being selfish, and doesnt care as much about you as he says

Farmerswifeupnorth81 · 10/06/2017 18:21

Why does he need to go back for a year ??? Surely he can go back for a monto then come home to be with his new wife. It sounds very odd he would want to go away for a year ??

Costacoffeeplease · 10/06/2017 18:21

What about your daughter that was in your previous thread?

Farmerswifeupnorth81 · 10/06/2017 18:22

Month not monto

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/06/2017 18:22

A whole year away !! He's up to no good if you ask me and a baby has put a spanner in the works.

Farmerswifeupnorth81 · 10/06/2017 18:23

Sounds like you have been his visa to uk op. Sorry to be blunt but sounds like he has used you as his meal ticket

Farmerswifeupnorth81 · 10/06/2017 18:24

Agree with Annieanonmouse

happypoobum · 10/06/2017 18:25

link to other thread anyone?

HotelEuphoria · 10/06/2017 18:33

Apologies if I am missing something here, but what visa is he here on at the moment? You usually have to apply for a spousal visa off shore, so is he here legally at the moment?

SavoyCabbage · 10/06/2017 18:35

You've got no chance on getting him back in the country if he is not an EU citizen. I am also married to a foreigner. We went to live abroad, stupidly not realising this invalidated dh's visa. Then we couldn't get him back in.

We'd been married for twelve years and lived together for all of it.
We owned a house in the UK
We have two British born children
Dh earns a lot of money
He had lived in the UK for over half his life, 19 years.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.