Am I being selfish

[whatalifethisis]

I'm quite prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but I'm so tired I can't think straight and would welcome other opinions.

My dp has back problem. It's long standing but has been particularly bad for the last 10 weeks. he's in a lot of pain and I have done my best to make life easier for him i.e. most household chores, walking dogs etc.

Every single day of the last 10 weeks he has described in detail the pain i.e. where it is, where it travels, the type of pain, what helps, what doesn't, it is getting better, it's not getting better etc. etc. etc.

In addition to this every single day for the last week he has described the side effects of his medication.

I am sympathetic but I've run out of things to say.

Tonight he has come in from work and gone to bed because he feels sick.

About 3 months ago I had to go back on anti depressants after I thought I had managed to come off them (slowly over a period of 2 years) One night when I was very low he told me that I should get to the doctor because 'I was just dragging everyone else down' He apologised afterwards and it was an uncharacteristic thing for him to say.

Since that night I have not mentioned my mental health or how I am feeling at all, i have just tried to get on with things. I am taking my medication but still feel very low at times.

He knew there were times when I felt suicidal and that I only went to the doctor after spending 3 hours trying to think of a way to kill myself yet make it look like an accident because I couldn't do it to my daughter. I don't feel like that now and would get help if I ever felt like that again.

I just feel that because I feel unwell mentally it's just forgotten. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for but I guess a 'how are you feeling now?' would be nice. I'm not trying to 'out ill' him I just feel like he's so self absorbed he doesn't even think to ask how I am.

He's not usually like this at all so I'm guessing it's because he's in a lot of pain.

At last to my aibu! Do you think it would be unreasonable to take myself off for a few days (spa) so that I can just concentrate on myself? I sometimes do go away for a few days so it wouldn't be that unusual. Should I explain how I feel or just go like I do any other time and not make a fuss? Am I being selfish?

I have a good job, lots of friends but I feel very alone.

Thank you if you got this far.

YANBU do it.

Of course you should go and treat yourself, you bloody deserve it and have done so well to cope.

His comment was awful, also his self pity. Bad problems especially need a positive outlook - lying around complaining about it (too much) doesn't help the body heal itself.

Anyway, you would not be selfish. Have a great time

*Back not bad

Go on your Spa day and have a lovely time.

Tell him that he's bumming you out next time he whinges, but in a subtle way "I know that you're in a lot of pain and I do empathise, but just like my depression - you can't drag us all down with you".

Not so subtle, but fuck it.

Does he see a doctor for his back pain?

I think it would be great for you to get away. I hope you're not feeling so low now.

Do you think his illness is what's making you feel depressed? It sounds as though it's a massive burden on you.

YABU

Think all subtlety is about to go out of the window allthatnonsense as I'm at the end of my tether!

Imperialblether he is under the doctor and takes Tramadol for the pain when it is bad. He was recently prescribed Gabapenten (sp?) for the nerve pain and that is what's he is experiencing side effects with. Over the years he has had some kind of injections. There is an op he can have but the prognosis is not good with a 50% chance of him being unable to walk after.

My depression isn't anything to do with him or his illness but I don't think it's helping when he doesn't even ask how I am knowing how bad I was feeling.

I don't feel so bad now but I do feel as though I am withdrawing into myself if that makes sense.

I have to say this is really unlike him. Maybe he has just forgotten how bad I was feeling because I don't talk about it. Maybe he thinks I feel better because I don't mention it....I don't know. I do know that I felt like I'd been punched when he said what he did about me dragging everyone down .I don't think I do, I hide it well, I just feel my home is a place I shouldn't have to hide it although I do get it can be hard to see someone feeling low and not know what to do.

So now, I just pretend. I go to work, walk my dogs, crochet, swim, read...anything to keep myself occupied.

Thank you for all your replies.

Why do you think I am being unreasonable expat?

It sounds like you both need help, do you have family nearby? When you are suffering from depression you need to put yourself first but he also sounds like he is in a lot of pain and needs support x

No family nearby (or anywhere come to that) littlehandcuffs

I'll continue to support him because I love him and hate seeing him in pain. I just wish once in a while he would ask how I am or acknowledge in some way that I don't feel 100%, I think I'm just having a bad night.

Have arranged to see very good friend for lunch on Saturday so I'll try and focus on things to look forward to.

Thank you for your reply

My mil had this issue with my fil, huge detail of the pain he was in, the meds he took, for years. I'm afraid we became a little immune to it and frankly pissed off after years. We felt very bad for him, paid for every possible consultation/procedure and we knew he was in a lot of pain, but there's only so much you can take.

I feel hugely for you, OP. Get yourself to a spa and take as much time as you need.

Your poor mil Siwdmae (and the rest of you)

I am just looking up spas (shocking prices if you are single!) I don't know whether to tell him how I feel or just bugger off!

tell him this is something for you as you need a break, sorry but what does your dh do for work , if that's not indiscreet to ask] i don't understand with such severe back pain but he is working ? .

sorry if i'm being a bit dim

Oh OP I could have written your post, except my DH has kidney stones and currently has a renal stent fitted. He's had 2 failed ops and we are waiting for a 3rd now to take the stent out and try to break them up with ultrasound rather than laser. Been off work sick for 3 months so we are starting to get to the worrying about money stage too.

I'm back on the ADs for the first time in 7 years, but despite me having to listen to his woes every day he never asks how I am. I'm working extra hours at work to make up the money shortfall, as well as doing all the domestic shit because he can't walk more than a few yards without it making him piss blood. I'm not coping. We have a "bucket list" holiday to the US booked, we go on Saturday, it's taken us 2 years to save for and I'm literally dreading it. I just want to take some time out on my own for a few days and not have to worry about anything. Instead I have to drive a muscle car that HE wanted through downtown Los Angeles on the wrong side of the road and with lane markings I don't understand and I am a crap, nervous driver.

Which spa do you fancy? I'll come. We can read, and drinbk wine, and not even talk to each other if you like.

If he's always been there in the past, I think perhaps his own pain means he is focussing on himself (quite understandable).

I think, honestly, you I think feel low. You comment about how much he talks about his bad back, but perhaps he feels the same about the way you (used?) to talk about your depression?

In short, I think you're both poorly and as such neither of you are BU, but both if you need love and support.

pipsqueak he is a carpenter and joiner . Therein lies the problem...nearly 40 years of lugging heavy oak doors etc. around, Doesn't help that he's 6ft 3 and built like a silverback as I'm sure that also puts a strain on his back. Not quite so bad now as he does a lot more management and joinery not so much carpentry.

yambabe I feel your pain, that sounds like a horrible situation. How is he going on holiday if he can't walk more than a few yards? I take it he can't drive either? Do you have insurance? would cancelling be an option and going when he is better so less strain on you?

I will book the spa and we'll escape together....maybe we'll go back...maybe we won't

thezeppo I think you are right that he can only focus on himself at the moment. However, even at the height of my depression didn't talk about it all the time (I try not to it bores me rigid!)I just tried to get on with things. I guess we are all different.

Maybe I just need a short break and maybe he could use a break away from me too.

Ah yes we have insurance but I had to declare his kidney stones as a pre-existing condition so if we cancel we lose everything. He can drive for a bit, I might get him to do the city parts and I'll do the countryside! Re the walking we have airport assistance and it's a road trip so not much walking involved as we get to each days destination.

He has oxycodone, tramadol and codeine. We'll manage. But it wont be the dream I was expecting when we booked sadly, and I will still want to escape when we get back!

Fwiw I've got a bad back (started when I was 10 and fractured in 2 places a few years ago so it has since got worse).

I also have chronic depression.

I'd rather have a bad back.

Please get a break- in any way that you possibly can, and as soon as you possibly can.

I think YABa bit U ... and I say this as someone who struggles with anxiety and depression and have been medicated for it since I was a teenager.

You say that he's complaining a lot because of his physical pain but isn't enquiring about your psychological pain ... but you aren't telling him that you are struggling.

He is being "proactive" about sharing his problem and so therefore you are more than aware of how much pain he is in, not because you have asked, but because he has decided to tell you.

You on the other hand seem to be struggling but rather than saying "Actually, I've had a really bad day and I'm really struggling at the moment" you're silently suffering but then also resenting him for not asking how you are despite acknowledging that his main focus is on his own pain.

I know how hard it is to actually reach out to other people and admit that you're struggling and having a really bad time, but you then can't get angry or upset if people don't realise your struggling when you're just plodding along and getting on with it.

I think you need to sit down with your DP and tell him that you're really struggling and so have booked yourself a weekend away to get some space and pampering time just for you. I think you also need to set up expectations of when you come back - obviously the break is going to be beneficial for you to both have a break from each other and time for yourselves - with regards to how you respond to each other. So when you come back, you both need to be mindful of the other's pain and maybe something small like your DP not listing each and every ache and pain every day so that you don't feel inundated with his issues and instead makes sure to ask how you feel after his general malady summary; and you let him list a few issues but then also be honest with him if he asks how you feel - so if you are in a bad place you tell him that don't pretend to be fine.

💐

I think a comment along the lines of 'What was it you said to me love? Oh that's right 'there's no need to bring us all down''...and thank you for asking but I'm feeling really crap as it happens'.

Is he doing daily exercises for his back?

YWNBU to go away.

melj I did speak to him until he told me I was dragging him down....I just can't now

Annie he doesn't do any exercises for his back (well not that I know of) We have a state of the art back massager that he uses which helps.

Well last night went well....I tried to talk to him about how I felt and was treated to another session of him shouting and swearing at me...and again this morning. I've had texts all day about how stressed he is.

I've now tolerated 4 sessions of him shouting and swearing at me in 3 weeks. He ignores me when I ask if he thinks that's ok and would he scream at his daughter and granddaughter like that. He doesn't let me speak he just shouts and swears over the top of me. He's a huge man with a voice to match and I can't stand it. My mother used to scream at me....he knows I can't stand it...I just go to pieces.

I came in from work and said hello and he ignored me. He then switched the tv off and went to bed in the spare room.

I am about to book a hotel in the country for me and the dogs tomorrow night.

I am numb....I don't care anymore. I don't care what the rights and wrongs of this are I don't believe I deserve to be screamed at like that.

I am so sad.

Being absolutely lovely 95% of the time doesn't make it ok to swear, shout and intimidate me the other 5% of the time....does it?

Nothing to suggest but wanted you to know you're not alone.

Thank you MipMipMip

At the moment I'm in a hotel miles from home with my two dogs for company