Am I being selfish

[whatalifethisis]

I'm quite prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but I'm so tired I can't think straight and would welcome other opinions.

My dp has back problem. It's long standing but has been particularly bad for the last 10 weeks. he's in a lot of pain and I have done my best to make life easier for him i.e. most household chores, walking dogs etc.

Every single day of the last 10 weeks he has described in detail the pain i.e. where it is, where it travels, the type of pain, what helps, what doesn't, it is getting better, it's not getting better etc. etc. etc.

In addition to this every single day for the last week he has described the side effects of his medication.

I am sympathetic but I've run out of things to say.

Tonight he has come in from work and gone to bed because he feels sick.

About 3 months ago I had to go back on anti depressants after I thought I had managed to come off them (slowly over a period of 2 years) One night when I was very low he told me that I should get to the doctor because 'I was just dragging everyone else down' He apologised afterwards and it was an uncharacteristic thing for him to say.

Since that night I have not mentioned my mental health or how I am feeling at all, i have just tried to get on with things. I am taking my medication but still feel very low at times.

He knew there were times when I felt suicidal and that I only went to the doctor after spending 3 hours trying to think of a way to kill myself yet make it look like an accident because I couldn't do it to my daughter. I don't feel like that now and would get help if I ever felt like that again.

I just feel that because I feel unwell mentally it's just forgotten. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for but I guess a 'how are you feeling now?' would be nice. I'm not trying to 'out ill' him I just feel like he's so self absorbed he doesn't even think to ask how I am.

He's not usually like this at all so I'm guessing it's because he's in a lot of pain.

At last to my aibu! Do you think it would be unreasonable to take myself off for a few days (spa) so that I can just concentrate on myself? I sometimes do go away for a few days so it wouldn't be that unusual. Should I explain how I feel or just go like I do any other time and not make a fuss? Am I being selfish?

I have a good job, lots of friends but I feel very alone.

Thank you if you got this far.

It sounds to me like perhaps part of your depression has been caused by him dragging you down over his back problems. Exercise is recommended if you have back problems - taking to your bed or sofa doesn't help and can actually make things worse. If he is having bad side effects from medication instead of complaining to you why hasnt he been back to his gp to change them for something else?
Have a lovely break with the dogs, they are probably giving you more attention than he would have anyway. Take care of yourself and let him do the same x

Health issues are no reason to speak to someone the way you have been spoken too! I hope this breakaway makes you feel better and hopefully he'll realises he's being massively unreasonable!!!

Take your pick OP!

Shouting and screaming at you is domestic abuse, the emotional abuse type. However, lovely he is this is not a one off occurrence. I am not saying leave the bastard but I think it is worth you looking at what support is available in your local area for domestic abuse. Our local one offers counselling and they don't force you to leave someone you love but will help you manage the situation you are in safely and consider your options. While at your hotel do some googling around domestic emotional abuse and maybe look at the freedom programme online.

Just because he is in pain is doesn't give him the right to yell abuse at you when you have given him so much support
have a lovely break with the dogs and as pp^^ said look for some support for yourself so that your depression doesn't get a total grip of you

Thank you so much for all your replies, it really helps.

I don't know what's got into him i really don't. I know he's in pain and we have worries over his daughter and her housing situation but it's like he's possessed. This isn't the first time it's happened but it is the worst and usually it's been a one off and I've just left him to calm down. Yesterday he threw his glasses and broke them and looked like he was going to spontaneously combust while he was shouting. He literally will not let me say a single sentence before he shouts and swears over the top of me.

In a text I asked if he would treat his daughter or granddaughter like that or if he thought it would be ok for anyone else to do that to them but he just ignored the question.

He thinks it is absolutely ok to tell me in one breath that I'm dragging him down and in the next breath wants me to tell him how I'm feeling, that feels like a total head fuck! I get so I don't know which way is up any more.

He has always been supportive of me, loving, takes days off to take me to the dentist when I need sedation, my world....except for when he gets like this.

I have a feeling he will be gone when I get home...hey ho. I don't think I can take it even if it's only very rarely. I get raised voices , I don't expect anyone to have a row in whispers but this is something else.

Palace he does have an appt with his GP to discuss the meds and has started cutting them down himself.

Goldenhedgehogs thank you, I am going to look at the Freedom Programme now

Archie can I have them all please?

Sorry for the long rant but feels better even just to write it down so I can try and make sense of it

Bloody hell

Pain or no pain, that is not acceptable AT ALL. Who the fuck does he think he is?

If this seems like a real change from his "normal" then I'd suggest contacting his GP and describing what's happening, or writing a brief note for them. It might help them to assess the medication side effects and make some changes. Tramadol in particular I have heard can do some pretty weird things to some people; don't really know the details though.

Hope the time on your own gives you the breathing space you need to make some coherent plans and keep going, one way or another.

I'd be suggesting that his back pain would be greatly improved if he had a more positive mental outlook.... And also booking a holiday for myself.

GrassWillBeGreener it is quite often the norm if we row but we hardly ever row so I don't see it that often if that makes sense? We had a long text exchange yesterday and in 8 separate texts I mentioned his verbal abuse in one way or another and he hasn't even acknowledged it. He has been on Tramadol for a long time but recently started Gabapenten. I know one of the side effects is mood changes but he doesn't even begin to acknowledge that it it so wrong to shout and swear like that.

Instead he blames me saying that I've been saying I'm ok when he knows I'm not and that he can't believe him saying one tiny thing like ' 'you're dragging me down' is a reason for me not to talk about how I'm feeling. He says he's been waiting for me to tell him it's over because I'm clearly not right. He can't seem to understand that the world doesn't revolve around him and that I can be low without him being the reason and wanting to split up. I have really tried hard when I'm feeling low. I swim, walk the dogs, have just learnt to crochet so I'm not sitting around weeping and wailing and feeling sorry for myself (although I'd sometimes like to be able to without feeling I'm a burden)

kokusai I will be booking a holiday soon as...this is just a little taster. have just taken the dogs for a walk along the beach.

ohfourfoxache I was wondering that myself

Oh sweetie, I'm sending you hugs.

I think it's worth contacting his doctor and telling him what's happening. It could be down to the medication in which case he needs an urgent review. The doctor obviously won't be able to tell you anything but he can use the information you give. Ask him to tell your DH it's a standard thing with the medicine so he doesn't know you rang. Hopefully your husband will be able to admit to the doc that he's not quite right so that things can get sorted.

In the meantime you really need to look after yourself. Do whatever you need, be it stuffing yourself with chocolate or walking your dogs. Or any and everything else. Only go home if you feel you will be safe.

Thinking of you.

You're in a horrible situation. We call this "who is having the harder time?". It's important not to compete but it's really hard when you're suffering but your OH is suffering too.

If life were fair we would take it in turns. We both have chronic illnesses which sometimes flare together. All either of you wants is for someone to say "poor you".

The best thing you can do is acknowledge that you're in a rotten place. Discuss with him how you feel and just keep communicating. Both of you will sometimes say the wrong thing.

He probably doesn't realise he whinges as much as he does. I'm guilty of that sometimes but it is just venting. I have had 5 babies but when I hurt my back it was so excruciating I have developed new respect for long term sufferers. Maybe you can both try to have something to look forward to, you your spa day and something for him?

If you need to go back on the anti-depressants for a short time that seems sensible use of them to me.

Poor you two!

No not fair on you at all. I'm very disabled now due to the unexpected onset of a chronic condition. Pain is very hard to get under control. It does effect everything, but he sneeds reminding that he's not the only person suffering and that there's room for more than one person who's ill or struggling in the family.

By the way, I wonder if he could try Pregabalin? It's the newer relative in the same family as Gabapentin, and is better for side effects...

I have to say this is really unlike him. Maybe he has just forgotten how bad I was feeling because I don't talk about it. Maybe he thinks I feel better because I don't mention it

Maybe so .... but that's not being kind or loving. Maybe he needs to grow up and stop making everything about him. Back pain is nasty. So is depression. I'd tell him how you feel and take some time for you.

Sorry - I missed the shouty sweary bit. I'd speak to his doctor. And take time for you.

Sorry but surely if the medication was causing mood changes then he would shout at work colleagues, his mum, daughter, friends. Is he shouting at his boss?

You say he has always been like this but you rarely argue. Are you sure you do not give in for an easy life?

With the back pain, is he the correct weight for his height? Has he tried Pilates or physio? Swimming? Is he helping himself?

If it were me...

I would sign him up for a yoga class. Both DH and me had terrible back problems. However, since taking up yoga a few months ago, they have gone. We have no problems at all now with our backs.

I would say, "go to yoga or stop moaning".

Wow, that doesn't sound like a fair relationship where you give and take. You've taken on the physical aspects that he would struggle with and listened to the emotional side of things too and got nothing back - not even thanks!

Hope that your breathing space helps you to decide how to move forwards.

All this is unacceptable, and can't be allowed to carry on.

Back pain is depressing because it directly affects the central nervous system. It is awful. That said, no matter how much pain I've been in, I've never shouted sworn at DH. If I have behaved badly, I apologise later.

Tell his GP about the mood swings and ask if medication could be causing it.

lazycrazyhazy that's just it, there is no communication. there would be if I just shut up and didn't try to explain anything that was wrong. As soon as I even try to explain things from my point of view that is when he shouts and swears.

Sorry if I don't get all your names but I need to check out of this hotel soon.

I swim and I've asked him to come with me but he says he won't while he's the size he is because he's self conscious

No, he is absolutely not the correct weight for his height. he is 6 ft 3 and probably about 21 stone. He won't eat properly and then every so often goes on some fad diet like Slimfast and then wonders why he has no energy to work! He blames most of his weight on his thyroid for which he takes medication. Nothing to do with beer, pasties, takeaways, chocolate, lack of exercise?? Nope...just the thyroid.

No he isn't shouting anyone else....saves that treat for me.

I'e totally lost my way now because I can't even think what we need to discuss because I can't get past the fact that he is doing this and sees nothing wrong. If he were to apologise and recognise that it's unacceptable I'd work with him, go to the GP etc. but I can't reach him. If I can ever have a full 10 seconds to speak I'll mention the Pregabalin.

In our text exchange I suggested counselling, he totally ignored that.

Once in a blue moon I could cope with but the fact is he's lost control 4 times in 3 weeks and doesn't see that it's wrong.

I'm sorry if I haven't answered all the questions. I'll come back to the thread. I was hoping to wake with a clearer head but sadly I'm more confused than ever.

. He seems to have got it into his head that I was planning to leave him (because I couldn't possibly feel low and it be nothing to do with him!) I know him well....if he thinks something bad is going to happen he will just take charge and wreck it anyway so that at least he knows where he stands.

i am fully expecting him to have left by the time I get home.

I'm sorry this is rambly but I really do appreciate your support.

@whatalifethisis sending you big hugs. I hope the situation sorts itself soon he needs to realise the impact on you and that you aren't just there for him to rant and rave to!

TBH I hope he has left by the time you get home. Sounds like you need the space away from him.

Sadly he hasn't left. I have spent the afternoon in the garden crocheting and am now in bed mumsnetting :)

As far as I'm concerned if he doesn't address this verbal abuse it's over. It may be over anyway but I can't think straight at the moment.

The only words spoken have been when he asked if I wanted a coffee. I refrained from telling him to stick his coffee in a shady place and went into the garden.

I actually feel on edge......in my own bloody home!

Just sending you a hug. You don't have to wait for him to leave, you can end the relationship if it isn't working any more. You should feel safe in your own home and loved, valued and supported by your other half.

Theworld has summed up my thoughts perfectly.