Am I being selfish

[whatalifethisis]

I'm quite prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but I'm so tired I can't think straight and would welcome other opinions.

My dp has back problem. It's long standing but has been particularly bad for the last 10 weeks. he's in a lot of pain and I have done my best to make life easier for him i.e. most household chores, walking dogs etc.

Every single day of the last 10 weeks he has described in detail the pain i.e. where it is, where it travels, the type of pain, what helps, what doesn't, it is getting better, it's not getting better etc. etc. etc.

In addition to this every single day for the last week he has described the side effects of his medication.

I am sympathetic but I've run out of things to say.

Tonight he has come in from work and gone to bed because he feels sick.

About 3 months ago I had to go back on anti depressants after I thought I had managed to come off them (slowly over a period of 2 years) One night when I was very low he told me that I should get to the doctor because 'I was just dragging everyone else down' He apologised afterwards and it was an uncharacteristic thing for him to say.

Since that night I have not mentioned my mental health or how I am feeling at all, i have just tried to get on with things. I am taking my medication but still feel very low at times.

He knew there were times when I felt suicidal and that I only went to the doctor after spending 3 hours trying to think of a way to kill myself yet make it look like an accident because I couldn't do it to my daughter. I don't feel like that now and would get help if I ever felt like that again.

I just feel that because I feel unwell mentally it's just forgotten. I'm not really sure what I'm asking for but I guess a 'how are you feeling now?' would be nice. I'm not trying to 'out ill' him I just feel like he's so self absorbed he doesn't even think to ask how I am.

He's not usually like this at all so I'm guessing it's because he's in a lot of pain.

At last to my aibu! Do you think it would be unreasonable to take myself off for a few days (spa) so that I can just concentrate on myself? I sometimes do go away for a few days so it wouldn't be that unusual. Should I explain how I feel or just go like I do any other time and not make a fuss? Am I being selfish?

I have a good job, lots of friends but I feel very alone.

Thank you if you got this far.

thank you TheWorldHasGoneToCake
he has just asked if we can speak and try and sort this out.

I said I am happy to speak but I can't take any more of his temper.

Apparently he didn't lose his temper, he was just loud, it's not like he was throwing things about or smashing things up.

I asked if he would be happy for his daughter to be treated like that and he said if the worse that happened was someone was loud and threw a few 'fucks' around it wouldn't bother him.

I am gobsmacked that he thinks all he was was a 'bit loud'

It's my fault because I lied. He says he did ask me how I was frequently. Yes he did but with about as much empathy as he would ask a cashier in Tesco. I probably shouldn't have said he never asks, he did but it was always a casual 'you ok?'He had already told me I was dragging him down but now he gets to choose how I react to a comment like that and I have to say how I'm feeling.

It's also my fault because I chose to start this when he was ill (there's never a time when he's not ill!)

Whatever the rights and wrongs I just can't get past the fact that he thinks it is ok to shout and swear at me like that.

Maybe it is me....I don't know anything anymore.

When someone has you questioning your own sanity, it's time for them to go. It's fairly clear here that the problem is him, not you. If you don't make each other happy, what's the point?

It's not you, it's him. Its all him. He's gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you. I expect if you no longer had him dragging you down and making you tread on eggshells you'd see an improvement in your own state of mind.

gingerscot thank you for your reply. I would be happy to talk and even admit I may not have worded things right. However, I can't talk because the minute I say something he disagrees with he starts shouting over the top of me. I can't think of any circumstances where this is ok but he doesn't see anything wrong at all.

I'm horrified that he wouldn't mind if his daughter was treated this way. Perhaps he wouldn't mind if his granddaughter was treated this way either....where does it end?

I suppose I was hoping that he would have apologised and said he was out of order and then we could have discussed things like adults. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that he verbally abused me like that or the fact that he thinks it's ok.

He speaks very loudly anyway (years of working with loud machines) but this was really aggressive....he was puce with rage.

I can't get past the fact that he knows he intimidated me but has done nothing to reassure me that it won't happen again.

He knows it's the one thing I can't bear....my mother shouted at me for most of my childhood.

He has a way of twisting things round so that it seems like he is being reasonable.

Am I wrong in thinking that whatever the problem is or whatever he thinks I have done wrong that it's not ok to treat someone like this (4 times in 3 weeks)?

Thank you Alittlepotofrosie I am really wobbly right now

No he shouldn't be treating you like this. Nobody should, and you know this. Stick to what you know. The basis for any decent relationship is mutual love and respect. He doesnt respect you at all. It doesnt matter a jot what he is like 95% of the time if the other 5% of the time he is deliberately scaring you.

It sounds to me like he's pushing to see what your boundaries are. If he was aghast at himself and falling over himself to apologise for intimidating you that's one thing. But he's not. He will just keep doing this and may even escalate. You don't have to live like that. How easy would it be to separate? A few weeks apart might help you to focus your thoughts without him breathing down your neck and making you doubt yourself.

Alittlepottofrosie it would be very easy to separate....it's my house.

I guess I just don't want to believe that what I thought was this kind and gentle man isn't who I thought he was.

I'm sure that in order to have a 'discussion' it's necessary to let the other person say a complete sentence.

I'm waiting for the line'Go back to your fucking Mumsnet and you can talk about gaslighting or whatever it fucking is' ....or something along those lines.

If you imagine what it would be like to be to separate. Think about a couple of weeks afterwards, when you've started to get over the change in circs. What's your over riding feeling? Relief? Happiness? Being able to walk around your own house without treading on eggshells?

This isn't to say end it forever. But he's show you that he doesn't value you. He doesn't ask how you are and he belittles your mental health problems in favour of moaning constantly about his own problems and probably looking for sympathy. When you try and talk about yourself he kicks off at you and goes puce with rage. Maybe it's the pain talking. If so he should leave while he gets himself under control and then you can talk to him in an impartial location such as couples counselling. If he won't go to counseling then clearly he doesn't believe that your opinion on anything is important because he only wants to hear his own voice speak.

Him not recognising that he's being aggressive is a huge problem. I've had severe, chronic back pain for over five years and take a lot of medication. As far as I recall I have never shouted at dh in this sort of way. If anything I am more pleasant as I know he's taking up the slack for me.

He needs to own his condition. It's highly unlikely to resolve on its own and pain management is a jigsaw of components. Meds have a place but aren't magic...increasing doses is useless as the pain just catches up. Rest, specific exercises, mindfulness, a good diet. All of this and much more but ONLY if the person is committed to self help.

In many ways there are similarities to depression. You both need help from your GP. You sound far more self aware. If he simply won't take any responsibility for his health then I'm afraid you need to simply concentrate on yourself. If the relationship was good until now I would encourage him to seek more help and take time off work to recover. If you cannot go on then he needs to leave and decide for himself whether to carry on in misery or not.

I have a good life with many friends and pleasures. I also have severe,crippling back pain.

Very best wishes.

So he is minimising his behaviour. Classic abuser. I feel for you OP. I know what it is like.
(I left the bastard)

I could have written your post a few years ago. Dh had to have an op on his back and was on the same meds as your dh. It was horrendous. Obviously he was in a lot of pain but he was awful to live with. I couldn't do anything right and despite working full time while he was off sick for months, looking after our two small dc and running the house, I wasn't supporting him. He also got really paranoid that I was having an affair and said he kept having suicidal thoughts but the rational part of him knew this was caused by the gabapentin.

We got to crisis point and I said I was leaving him if he didn't stop treating me the way he was. He did start making an effort again after that. I think he got so wrapped up in pain and self pity that anyone who wasn't in his situation was fair game to take it out on.

I also remember a relative asking how I was one day and I nearly burst into tears because no one else had ever asked that, they all asked after dh but never seemed to realise that I was also living an absolute nightmare of stress and worry.

Sounds like he's not interested in helping himself get better tbh - exercise will help, being active will help. Painkillers don't make you better. Too much rest will make things worse.
I agree with other posters about trying different meds, has he been referred to a pain specialist? They might take him down the route of ADs to alter the brains perception of the brain e.g. Amitriptyline.
The side effects of the meds can really mess with your head, so he needs to be trying different ones until he finds something that works the best for him - his gp is not going to know they're no good unless he tells them so.
He also needs to be asking for physio help to tell him which exercises he can do at home to help. Best thing a physio told me about my back pain is that pain when moving doesn't mean damage is being done - quite the opposite in fact. I'm hoping the same applies to your 'd'H.
Chiropractors are worth their weight in gold btw - worth every penny IME.
Bad side effects and pain or not - being such a gold standard arsehole is not acceptable - he needs to exercise something other than his mouth.

He's clearly not interested in changing if he can't acknowledge he's wrong. I've been married to one of those - it's exhausting.

If it is your house and you're not married etc then just go for it. I bet it will be a relief not to walk on eggshells or do have to do all the extra work he generates while not being well enough to help though well enough to shout and swear at you

I also agree that your mental health is probably linked to being treated so badly by him.

Take care

Sweetie I really hate to say this but I think you need to tell him to move out for a few weeks. It might be the shock he needs to realise how very much he is in the wrong and get help. If he doesn't then I think you have to consider moving on.

Talk to your daughter about this - tell her that you still love him but he has become impossible to live with. Make it clear you don't expect or want her to take sides but that she needs to know what's going on. Just because she is an adult doesn't mean she will find this easy but that shouldn't put you off - right now you need to put yourself first.

This is going to be very hard whatever happens. Remember you are not alone - we're all here if you need advice , a handhold or simply to vent. Hugs.

You can't carry on like this. You know it, and he needs to know it.

Even when he 'listened', he didn't hear you. His feelings and thoughts are the only ones which count, it seems.

Thank you so much everyone. Sorry I haven't been back but have been talking to him for hours. yesterday there were a lot of angry texts throughout the day but we agreed to talk when I got home from work. The understanding was that if he raised his voice he was out and that would be it.

Unbeknown to me he took himself to the doctor yesterday morning and explained what was happening. He explained that in the beginning on these tablets he felt 'spaced out' . That feeling has gone but now he feels 'wound up' The doctor explained that as the spaced out feelings had gone so would the wound up feelings as his body adjusts. He has already tried Amiltryptiline which didn't touch the nerve pain. He was violently sick last week when he cut his dose in half immediately because of his feelings. That was daft because he is on a very high dose...but he thinks he is invincible.

I have made an appointment to see my GP on Monday to talk about my medication. My depression was triggered by the death of my dear dad 6 years ago (although I had suffered in the past) I have gone through the grieving process yet every time I try to come off the tablets the depression returns. I don't understand it and dp wonders whether some of it may be linked to the menopause which coincided with the death of my dad.

He has apologised and acknowledged that he was very wrong. He comes from a very shouty family where it was considered the norm to speak to each other like that. I've cut him some slack because I do believe the medication has played a part and also because he has been to seek help. However, he knows if it happens again that is it. I grew up with an abusive mother....I don't intend to be abused again.

I will talk to him about physiotherapy because it doesn't seem to have been mentioned .

We talked for hours last night and he listened. he apologised for telling me that I was dragging him down. He says he thought it would spur me on to get help because at that time I hadn't restarted my medication. He understands why I totally withdrew then.

It was an honest discussion and I hope has resolved things. We have been together 10 years and he has always been my rock but he is in no doubt that rock or not he will have to leave if it happens again.

I have a couple of weeks off work coming up and I am going to take myself off to a spa for a few days recuperation while he looks after the 4 furry kids.

Thank you so much for all your support, I really have had a wobbly few days and it helped me so much. thank you.

@whatalifethisis it sounds like the talk may have worked. He must've known something wasn't right to take himself without you knowing. Good luck with everything OP, I hope you feel sorted soon!

That's really good news op. I'm so glad he's got himself some help and knows he was in the wrong. Keep talking to each other every day, communication is key.

Very glad things are improving. Keep an eye out for slips back and look after yourself. It's ok to put yourself first.

Thinking of you.

Well done for getting him to pay attention! I hope he follows through. Stay strong.