To wonder about this gesture

[Poisongirl81]

My stepmother has offered to pay for private school for my son if he can get in. He's already been accepted to a state school. He is very very bright so I do see the benefits. My issue is we aren't wealthy I'm not....would he struggle as everyone is rich and a different social circle? Do you think for an exceptionally bright child it would benefit him?

I've spoken to him and said it's his choice. He sees advantages to his education but doesn't really want to leave his friends.

It depends on the school. Go and check some out - what do they offer, what's the atmosphere, what's the intake, what's the head like?

If the state secondary is good and he wants to go there, then he should.

On the other hand, secondary can be a bear-pit, his mates might not be in his tutor group, and funding is shit.

Hard one. He could always switch to private perhaps if he wants?

I don't know it's just been mentioned and he starts in September so I haven't had a chance to look or think about it. My initial reaction was no as he has it sorted will be with friends etc it's only after I spoke to him he is keener than I thought.

There is a good one nearby but most are boarders I think. I just worry he won't fit in..we aren't wealthy live in a 3 bed ex council house. I'm sure to kids it doesn't matter it's just me worrying. I wonder if his education will be significantly better or not?

And he won't know anyone and will leave his friends. He's looking to me for what's best and I don't know..

Is she fully committed to paying for your sons entire education up until he's 16? Would she leave you/him in the situation when it's his turn to do GCSEs and she decides it's now too expensive.
Have you considered private tutoring instead? He gets to spend his time with his friends, but gets the additional academic benefits.

I think she will be fully committed yes...shes been generous in the past. That may be an idea. Do kids still have private tutors if they are bright? I always thought it was if they struggled.

Also.i have a younger daughter who isn't particularly bright so she said she will be fine at a state school and doesn't need the extra pushing. How will that work? Is that not a bit mean and awkward having them at differe schools

He won't be the only working class or not well off child but there will be expensive school trips...will MIL pay for those too?

Oh...I could not accept for my son if there were not a similar offer for my daughter.

That will cause a LOT of resentment. Tell MIL she can't do it.

Oh, not fair if DD can't have. So that's a line in the sand.

She insinuated a superior education would be wasted on her? Rude!

Our school is very wealthy - I would say the majority of families are on £250k+ and most have 3+ DC at the school. They mostly drive 4x4 but some kids are chauffeured and there are some Bentleys / supercars.

There are a few parents (including me) who are not wealthy and have family members paying the fees. I've honestly never ever had any trouble fitting in from a financial point of view and nor have any of the other non-rich parents. In fact, I'd say everyone goes out of their way to be pleasant and inclusive and to treat everyone equally. Whenever group outings are suggested they are always to very affordable venues. Fortunately, it's considered very bad form at our school to flash your cash, though there is another local school where I believe the opposite is true. I think providing you avoid this second kind you will have absolutely no problems.

My issue is we aren't wealthy I'm not....would he struggle as everyone is rich and a different social circle?

It really depends on what prep school is it, and where it is located, DS attends a very well known prep school in central london, a lot of children are either dropped off by their nannies/au pairs or by chauffeurs, so they really says it all, there is really no interaction with the other parents as there is no school gate.

There is a good chance that it will be too late already for any academically selective independent school by now. Assuming your DS is Y6 now, most Indies with a Y7 entry point will have already had their entrance exams at the beginning of this year. If he is very bright, then a non-selective isn't necessarily going to be a good fit academically (although the extramural options may still be fabulous).

I wouldn't worry about where you live. No one ever knows the details of other's finances and whether grandparents are paying etc. I would be more concerned that the offer is no strings attached and will keep going to A level, not just GCSE.

Looks as if I crossed posted with @FuzzyPillow

Hi op -who said your dd will be fine at state school? Your stepmother or your dd herself? If the former, that seems very unfair IMO, although I do think the opportunity of a private school education would probably benefit your ds. Smaller class sizes and high academic standards I would imagine.

She doesn't think she needs the pushing and better education as my son is very very bright he's just bored at school now. She's fine and enjoys school so I kind of see they are different academically

Ok, just seen the post about your daughter. Decline the offer. What kind of message does it send to your DD?

If anything, I would say the less capable child is the one who needs the potential leg up more than the very bright one. But, it is both or neither.

Tbh if you can get a child into an independent school, age 11 , then broadly speaking there's not going to be any educational advantage. Cause its not a good school.

If the offers not open to both your children, don't consider it.

I agree with the above - your dd is probably the one in need.

It's either both or nothing, in my view.

No way would I have my son going and not my daughter (or vice versa). You could argue that if she is less academic she needs more input for her education not less.

I was that child, non wealthy in a private school. It was hard. The academic side was amazing but the social side, it became very apparent very quickly that I didn't quite fit. It's something to consider

Yes tigger that's what worries me

@Poisongirl81 as I read more, if I were you I would decline the offer.

You're very unlikely to get a place at a good private school now I'm afraid. I went to one and wouldn't send by children private - there's a lot of negatives to them in terms of mental health.

Also, my aunt sent her child to a private school but wasn't very well off and there was some very nasty bullying - I didn't experience that but my parents were a bit better off and also better at playing the games over appearing so /being more "cultured" without actually spending any money.

And that's without addressing the whole thing about not funding your daughter - that's appalling.