To wonder about this gesture

[Poisongirl81]

My stepmother has offered to pay for private school for my son if he can get in. He's already been accepted to a state school. He is very very bright so I do see the benefits. My issue is we aren't wealthy I'm not....would he struggle as everyone is rich and a different social circle? Do you think for an exceptionally bright child it would benefit him?

I've spoken to him and said it's his choice. He sees advantages to his education but doesn't really want to leave his friends.

I got a scholarship to a private school, and always felt like I smelled of dog shit. Everyone ends had ponies and boats or foreign holidays.
Also my oh is a secondary teacher, and he says really bright kids are well catered for in the state sector.

I was that child, non wealthy in a private school. It was hard. The academic side was amazing but the social side, it became very apparent very quickly that I didn't quite fit. It's something to consider

Yes, me too. I had a scholarship, which paid most of the fees, but it certainly didn't make anything equal.

My school friends all had skiing holidays, Med holidays, road trips to the US. I had a week in Norfolk, which was lovely, but I soon learned that it was better to say I hadn't been on holiday (for some reason that was ok).

I did fine academically (RG uni, PhD) but I never felt that I fitted in.

Could he go to state school and get money for stints in France to improve speaking french when he is older or other such eduactional advantages and challenges. Or maybe she can pay for university. For both of course.

Either both children go or say no. Your sm has no clue whatsoever who's brighter, etc. And stop labeling your own children "very very bright" and "not so bright" !!

Very offensive. You yourself have no clue what your daughter's potential is, stop labeling her and start encouraging her. She can go must further than you could ever dream possible. That goes for both of your children.

Much not must

If she's as nice as you say, would she consider paying for tutors for both your children. It would help your son excel and might help your daughter blossom. I think if you send your son to private school and not your daughter, she will end up resenting you, further down the line. Teenagers are tough enough, without having a ready made excuse of feeling life's 'not fair'.

Also, just to add, that if private school is all about 'pushing', then it might be wise to think carefully.
Do you want to push your DS through his school life?
Does pushing bring out the best (and if so, why not apply it to less able students)?
Did you respond well to being pushed? Do you still?
What happens when the pushing is over and your child enters life as a young adult and has to access his own learning/education?

I don't think you're too late for private school - round here they transfer after year 7 for various private schools. I would start your son at secondary with his friends and meanwhile explore his options for transferring to private.

My DS is very able and was bored rigid at primary, but is engaged and challenged at the local outstanding comprehensive. We tentatively considered private options when he was miserable at primary school, but he preferred to stay with his friends. It's proven the right choice for him and he is very happy.

She is quite snobby...I appreciate the gesture but yes don't like the way my dd would feel later on. He wouldn't have much in common with the wealthy kids I expect.....he gets on well with his pals now.

Interesting that everyone is talking about Private schools as though they're all one homogeneous identical being!

I think OP, it depends a lot on the school in question. Mine, I think is wonderful (as a non rich parent). The other down the road I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Bty, my middle child has dyslexia and dyscalcua. He was considered 'not very bright' by his birth parents and teachers. He came to me as a young teen and is graduating this summer with a first in computer sciences and his placement manager was so impressed with him that he was asked to stay on part time and then full time when leaving uni. This is in a very good company on an amazing wage. -yes I am boasting- Don't sell your daughter short. Maybe she just hasn't found her 'passion' yet.

And stop labeling your own children "very very bright" and "not so bright" !!

This! My stepsisters were labelled like this and proved their parents very wrong. They're equally intelligent but with very different interests and it's not the one their parents thought was academic who went to uni and excelled.

I wouldn't be able to accept for one if the offer wasn't there for both. Maybe suggest that MIL pays for long term private tutor for both children. Would be beneficial for both and wouldn't cost any where near as much

Have a proper think about this. Take into consideration how extremely expensive school uniforms, after school clubs and class trips will be. Speaking for experience my parents pay for my sister's child to go to a private school and it is far more expensive for events than they ever expected. Think about it in the long run, would you be able to support him going to events or would it be the bare minimum when going to the private school. There are also so so many pluses of having the opportunity of going to a private school. Both have their pros and cons. If that makes sense.

Two reasons why I wouldnt....the offer must be for both or neither. Also because all it takes is one falling out and she could withdraw funding at any time.

If she wants to invest in BOTH kids education suggest a trust to pay for their living costs at Uni. There is no point paying his fees (check out MSE website for why this is a bad idea) but paying for his accomodation and food etc will leave them able to focus on their studies instead ofneeding to ge a part time job in order to make ends meet/have even a basic social life.

DD is at Uni and I wish I could afford to help her out more.

With everything you have said, I would decline, but ask if instead would she be happy to pay for extra tutoring for both children.

I was in this situation growing and can honestly say school was horrible for me. Dances/ field trips/ after school outings. Socialising was very difficult and being there actually affected my grades.

Also if it's not offered to dd as well then just no. Your stepmother could rather save and invest the money for their tertiary education and do an even split.

Some random thoughts in no particular order:

• You can’t judge the quality of the education or the extent to which your DS would fit in socially without visiting and finding out as much as you can about the school in question. Private schools vary wildly and private doesn’t automatically = high quality education. Likewise, socially, private schools can be hell for kids from less moneyed backgrounds – e.g. different expectations around holidays, optional trips, consumer goods, plus, as a parent, you may find yourself wondering how well parented some of the peer group is if the parents are permanently out of the picture earning all the money they can to pay for it all. But it needn’t be like that – it sounds like at least one pp has had a much better experience.

• Agree with pp that anywhere remotely selective (i.e. academically robust) is unlikely to have places for this September.

• Lots of kids are bored by the end of primary because they’ve just grown out of the regime – doesn’t necessarily mean the state system is inherently not challenging them enough.

• Not wanting to leave friends is less important than you might think, especially if this is an 11+ picture. At that age, friendships and groups break up and move around constantly and kids they were joined at the hip with at the beginning of Y7 can be a complete irrelevance a term or two in.

• I would have huge concerns about whether this offer came with strings attached. Will your stepmother have an opinion about what school you choose, what subjects DS opts for, what extracurricular stuff he gets involved in, whether he stays there for sixth form or goes back into the state system, how hard he works and how well he does, what you spend your own money on, etc etc. What if you do something unrelated that displeases her?

• I would have fewer concerns than pp about (not) sending DD to private school too, except in the sense that it makes my feminist antennae flap. The important thing imo is to send a child to the school that’s right for them. If that is the private one for DS and the local comp for DD then that’s fine. The trouble comes if she would benefit from private education too and your stepmother either won't wear it or can’t afford it. That could cause a lot of trouble down the line. But one in private and one in state isn’t inherently ‘mean’ if all are happy and catered for imo.

• Can your stepmother sustain this financially? What if she dies? What if she needs long-term care or ceases to be competent to manage her own affairs?

• Having had kids in pretty much every sector, my own feeling, all things being equal, is that the state system offers a more rounded growing up experience, in terms of meeting a variety of people and learning to negotiate the real world, resilience, initiative etc. An elite education can be a bubble. But you may have a child that needs to be kept in a bit of a bubble or a local comp that offers altogether more real world experience than you’re comfortable with.

• Also, having done the private thing, I have been very refreshed by the way the state sector operates within a framework of statutory duties and rights. Your child gets what they get because it’s their entitlement and because it’s the school’s job – whether that’s being offered an exciting opportunity or being protected from the effects of bullying. Private schools in my experience have a subtle pecking order in which children/families who are considered ‘assets’ get better treatment, which can pile on the pressure to perform well, either inside the classroom or extra-curricularly. An elite school will also cull plodders mercilessly pre-GCSE in order to keep the stats up. Must be brutal for confidence and wreak havoc with family arrangements to be told in Y9 or 10 that you’d be better off at a less, ahem, demanding school.

• Finally, you should probably refrain from any decision until after Thursday, as, however good your local state school is, its resources are probably going to be severely truncated if we have another Conservative government. I am broadly down on the private sector tbh, unless there are special circs, but in that event you’d probably want to grab the offer with both hands.

Sorry for such a long post, wanted to be as helpful as possible.

I think you're asking the wrong question. Social fit and the individual qualities of the school are neither here nor there if your SM is only offering it to one of your children.

If you were to pick one who'd benefit more, that would probably be the less academically able one. The bright spark will get As anyway. But picking one over the other, especially for being brainy or having a willy, is awful. You're DD's mum, it's on you* to do right by your daughter.

In your position, I'd say no. It would have to be both of them, or neither.

Also.i have a younger daughter who isn't particularly bright so she said she will be fine at a state school and doesn't need the extra pushing. How will that work? Is that not a bit mean and awkward having them at differe schools

This makes it a no brainer. Unless she is prepared to treat both your children equally, then the answer is absolutely no. Anyone who treated my children so disproportionately would be cut off.

With her attitude, I wouldn't trust her to follow through with the DD's education after the DS had already started, so I wouldn't even take up the initial offer.

I have to wonder where MIL has gained the attitude/information that one child is "quite bright" and the other isn't. It sounds like it comes from you, OP, judging by your comments. I feel sorry for your DD.

I'd have thought the so-called 'less bright' one would be the one who would benefit the most from being sent to the best possible available school, but there you go.

Yes to considering a range of private schools to find the right fit. Stepmother should also put money aside for extra curricular activities so he can participate fully - needs to be the full package or stay at state I think.

Also, I don't think your DD should have to go to private school just because your son does, but she should have some money set aside for her too so she can have extra support/ investment in something. She might not be as acaemic (or maybe she isn't yet) but she should have money for a hobby or activities outside academia, or extra tutoring that will add something special to her life and broaden her life chances. She might also benefit from a more creative-type private school and lets hope her views aren't already coloured by feeling hse shouldn'';t try to achieve becasue she is a girl. but academic achievement isn;t everything.

If there isn't a pot of money available for both then I would decline. I don't think it has to be exactly equal (so much in life is not equal) but there should not be big distinctions made between them. If your DS was very unhappy then maybe different.

Also, I think the money to support DS' education needs to be there until he is 18 as the years 15+ are when it may notice most from an acheivement point of view. It could be a big change for DS to go to a state school for A levels when he is used to private school, unless you find a very good grammar school. And even then, who needs to be changing freindship groups at this time. The whole point (academically) will be A level grades and geting into a good uni, so if he does go private, he should have the chance to stay until he is through to Uni.

Perhaps the money could be set aside in a trust just to make sure it can't suddenly be taken away or disappear? And make sure it comes with no strings. Families and money - argh!

My ex decided when DS was in year six that he wanted him to sit entrance exams for local independent schools. DS had no interest as he wanted to go to same school as his friends and needless to say failed the entrance exams! He went to local comp and did pretty well. I soon realised they had only suggested private for DS because his wife had a daughter who was very bright and they wanted her to go private. The following year her daughter passed the entrance exams and they turned round and told her if she went they would have no holidays or days out etc. They talked her out of going and she went to the local comp where she got in with a bad lot and left with just a few GCSEs.

The following year it was my DDS turn but by this time ex had no interest. I felt DD should have the same chance. DD was awarded a bursary .Ex refused to contribute and told DD they would all be snobs. I worked overtime etc to pay her fees. It was hard but she left school a confident and very capable young woman with decent qualifications. She remains friends with her school colleagues some of whom had very wealthy parents. I checked with DS if he minded before she went but he was fine with it and he went on trips abroad with his hobby instead. I think you just need to find the right fit for your child.