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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

1 day's compassionate leave for the death of my Dad

68 replies

Pugwash1 · 06/06/2017 18:04

Hi everyone, longtime lurker here but never really had cause to post before as most things I have wondered about have been covered by past topics.
My dear Dad passed away 6 days ago after an 8 month illness. I live a few doors from him and mum and during the past 8 months I have been his primary carer going in before work to wash and dress him, change catheters, give medications (I am a nurse btw) and give breakfasts etc. I have been going in after work to them do the same but in reverse. Obviously my mum has needed a lot of support during this time too, as they have been married 55 years and before last year my Dad was supremely active and so her life had also changed dramatically.
I returned to work yesterday after having had 4 days off last week off, as my Dads condition really deteriorated and I knew my priorities lay with him at that point and not work. I have been told this evening as I was leaving work that last week was unpaid leave and that I will be allowed 1 day's compassionate leave for his funeral which is on Wednesady 21st June. I had requested the Thursday and Friday off as compassionate leave as I know I will really be in a mess at that point as it will all become very real.

I have done everything my company have asked. I work late when needed and never put in for the extra hours as I feel a bit of give and take is to be expected. I travel when asked to. I start work early every day without asking for extra pay as it is so busy (my choice, I know). I even returned to work 4 weeks early against my surgeon's advice after a bunion operation on my foot and offered to work from home if it would help out at all.

I am down in all documentation with all agencies as my Dad's main carer and his next of kin as my mum has been so overwhelmed with all this she has not been able to cope with anything.

AIBU to think my work are being complete arseholes about this? He was my DAD. The worse thing he ever did in his life was die and he was truly incredible on every level. I have been toId I can take the Thursday and Friday as Annual Leave but I work in such a stressful job and have had such a crummy 8 months AIBU to want to use my annual leave for rest and recuperation rather than being a snivelling snot heap? I am so disappointed in their attitude that it is taking every ounce of my willpower not to hand in my notice over this. I just don't know if it is me being unreasonable as like I mentioned earlier I returned to work 6 weeks ago after a month off recovering from surgery that they did really kindly me pay me for. Do I owe them this?

OP posts:

CherieBabySpliffUp · 06/06/2017 18:06

What does your contract say regarding compassionate leave?

jelliebelly · 06/06/2017 18:08

YANBU but many employers stick rigidly to the rules - all you can do is take time off ill as I'm sure any doctor would be able to see you're not fit for work.

ThePinkOcelot · 06/06/2017 18:09

I think I would be getting a sick note OP. Your dad has just died. You need to give yourself some time. So sorry for your loss x

youaredeluded · 06/06/2017 18:10

Go get signed off. If they are a small business they might not be able to afford to just let you have loads of time off - regardless of the situation. Sorry for what you are going through though :(

Wornoutbear · 06/06/2017 18:11

Looking at the ACAS guide I would have thought you could have, at least, unpaid time off - www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3963.
Do you have a union rep you can speak to? If not maybe contact ACAS?

noshit · 06/06/2017 18:13

Firstly condolences for your loss. You sound a lovely daughter to look after your dad like you did.

I lost my mum 18 months ago. It's a sad, sad time and you must make time for yourself and your mum to grieve. Plus there is the paperwork and funeral arrangements which take up time too.

Get signed off my your GP then work can't do anything. I agree with you work arrangements for bereavement time off sucks.

agentdaisy · 06/06/2017 18:13

Sadly you're only entitled to one or two days compassionate leave, even for the death of a parent. You're 'lucky' that they've offered to let you use annual leave to take the two days off as many companies won't even do that at such short notice. It doesn't help you and it doesn't make it easier but unfortunately that's the way it is with most companies.

Slimthistime · 06/06/2017 18:14

YANBU
I am sorry for your loss
If you feel like handing in your notice and can afford to do, I would. However, I dont know what your contract says. Why was your last week unpaid?

Some companies I've worked for have max three days so if you are there when a person is dying you can actually run out of days and have to switch to annual leave before the funeral even takes place.

Sorry but fir future reference, never do a company a favour unless they do you one first. Decent companies are very rare sadly.

Hugs

glitterglitters · 06/06/2017 18:14

Get signed off. Your mental health is paramount at this point and it won't necessarily hit you straight away.

I actually quit a temporary job when my mum died because they said surely I should have"come to terms with it" by the time the funeral had happened. It was working for the BBC no less (they were absolutely great, the agency I was employed through were shite).

I think my exact words to the recruitment guy were "Fuck off you utter c**tbadger"

FadedRed · 06/06/2017 18:14

Sorry for your loss
If you get sick pay, then get signed off by your GP for bereavement related stress.
Remember the 'compassion' your employers showed next time they need you to go above and beyond your contract.

sweetbitter · 06/06/2017 18:14

I'd see a doctor and get a sick note. I think your work sound unreasonable.

Ktown · 06/06/2017 18:16

This is rubbish but can you take annual leave?
I do this to attend funerals (not of family members) as my company only allows 1 day compassionate leave.

PaintingByNumbers · 06/06/2017 18:16

yanbu and im so sorry about your dad. in your shoes, I would take sick leave for several weeks as you will have a lot to sort out, and think about how you feel about the company/leaving later on, once your initial grief has lessened.

LouieLou2013 · 06/06/2017 18:17

Self cert for the 4 days last week. Going forward get signed off

Butterymuffin · 06/06/2017 18:17

Stop doing all the extra goodwill stuff you do at work. Sadly many organisations will gladly take this but not want to give it out in return when staff need it. Foolish of them as often they are reliant on staff goodwill when it comes down to it. Arrive on time, leave on time, stick to your contract.

I have just read the bit about your sickleave after surgery, but am I missing something here? Surely you're entitled to sick leave to recover from surgery? I don't think you should 'owe' them for that.

RandomDent · 06/06/2017 18:19

So sorry for your loss. Take it as sick, nobody minds, I promise you. My area has something similar but bereaved people are encouraged to take sick leave. Bereavement leave is more to get on with the practical stuff.

Sunnymeg · 06/06/2017 18:20

Yes definitely get signed off. DH had a similar situation when his Mum died. He had a day off for the funeral (although they actually wanted him to just take half a day, as he'd had a morning off to register the death)and went back the very next day and made a horrendous mistake which resulted in him being disciplined. It was wholly unnecessary and has really coloured his attitude to his employer.

Osolea · 06/06/2017 18:25

So sorry for your loss.

I was shocked to learn I'd only get three days leave when my dh died suddenly and unexpectedly. It's a ridiculous situation, and no way was I capable of doing my job just three days later, I'd have been a complete liability. My GP signed me off over the phone no problem though, so I at least got sick pay.

BalloonDinosaur · 06/06/2017 18:26

So sorry for your loss OP

When my dad died I had 4 days compassionate/family leave, which by chance took me up to some pre-booked annual leave, but the majority of my colleagues in a similar situation had to get signed off sick.

Take time to grieve and spend time with your mum.
Look after yourself x

madamginger · 06/06/2017 18:26

That's rubbish, I'd take the time off sick.
My FIL died recently and I took 8 days off to be with my DH and MIL, my employer is a large multinational and I was paid in full, then my grandmother died 2 weeks ago and I took another 4 days off fully paid.
For all their faults they've really looked after me this last 6 weeks.

bungle99 · 06/06/2017 18:28

YANBU

if it's a small company they may not be able to give you too much.
However, i worked for a large company, my DF died very suddenly with no warning at all at a young age. I was told to 'take as much time as i needed' by senior work colleague. My manager rang me a week later and asked me why i was not back in work as the funeral was 2 days before her phone call. I got 4 compassionate days off (funeral was on the 4th day) and they reluctantly gave the other 2 days as sick leave (as i'd caught a chest infection). I was basically made to feel like i was being a slacker by my manager.
Since then my DH and several of my friends have lost a parent and they've all been given weeks of compassionate leave. They were quite shocked about my experience within my old company.
I just think some people do not understand and are not particularly compassionate. Going into work the day after one of your parents funeral is nonsense.

QuiteLikely5 · 06/06/2017 18:29

Sick note is what I would be seeking

missymayhemsmum · 06/06/2017 18:30

Sorry for your loss, OP.
From a manager's point of view, this is a hard one. Presumably there is a policy, and they are stuck with it. If they give you more paid time off than the policy allows (or there isn't a policy) you can bet someone who works less hard will be watching and creating a precedent next time they have a domestic emergency. So they end up not supporting you as you deserve instead.

If you work for a big employer they should have a carers policy. You should have been allowed to bank the extra hours you were working to take time off in an emergency. Perhaps if you draw to your manager's attention that you are owed so many hours that will enable them to pay you for a decent time off. Alternatively just call in sick for a while and go back when you are ready.

When you have just been bereaved is no time to make any major decision, which includes jacking in your job. But from now on record and claim any time off in lieu you are entitled to, so you can continue to support your mum.

LaGattaNera · 06/06/2017 18:30

They may be adhering to the rules but yes they are being unreasonable and find their attitude disgraceful. Ok for them to have extra hours from you and sounds like your job could not be done without you doing extra.
Employers can be flexible if they want. Get signed off and look after yourself. So sorry for your loss x

happypoobum · 06/06/2017 18:32

Sorry for your loss

When my father died I had the contractual compassionate leave but then was signed off sick for another two weeks as I was in no fit state to work.

I don't think you can say your employers are being unreasonable as they have allowed you all the time off you have asked for. If they only provide one day paid CL then that is all you get. The rest would have to be unpaid.

The fact you have chosen to work for free so often is irrelevant here too, although I would review that stance if I were you - you now know it isn't winning you any favours.

Most people in your position who are unfit to work due to grief take the time off under the sickness policy. You don't have to be "sick" but "unfit to work" which you probably are. I hope you get it sorted, but please don't resign in a huff.

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