1 day's compassionate leave for the death of my Dad

[Pugwash1]

Hi everyone, longtime lurker here but never really had cause to post before as most things I have wondered about have been covered by past topics.
My dear Dad passed away 6 days ago after an 8 month illness. I live a few doors from him and mum and during the past 8 months I have been his primary carer going in before work to wash and dress him, change catheters, give medications (I am a nurse btw) and give breakfasts etc. I have been going in after work to them do the same but in reverse. Obviously my mum has needed a lot of support during this time too, as they have been married 55 years and before last year my Dad was supremely active and so her life had also changed dramatically.
I returned to work yesterday after having had 4 days off last week off, as my Dads condition really deteriorated and I knew my priorities lay with him at that point and not work. I have been told this evening as I was leaving work that last week was unpaid leave and that I will be allowed 1 day's compassionate leave for his funeral which is on Wednesady 21st June. I had requested the Thursday and Friday off as compassionate leave as I know I will really be in a mess at that point as it will all become very real.

I have done everything my company have asked. I work late when needed and never put in for the extra hours as I feel a bit of give and take is to be expected. I travel when asked to. I start work early every day without asking for extra pay as it is so busy (my choice, I know). I even returned to work 4 weeks early against my surgeon's advice after a bunion operation on my foot and offered to work from home if it would help out at all.

I am down in all documentation with all agencies as my Dad's main carer and his next of kin as my mum has been so overwhelmed with all this she has not been able to cope with anything.

AIBU to think my work are being complete arseholes about this? He was my DAD. The worse thing he ever did in his life was die and he was truly incredible on every level. I have been toId I can take the Thursday and Friday as Annual Leave but I work in such a stressful job and have had such a crummy 8 months AIBU to want to use my annual leave for rest and recuperation rather than being a snivelling snot heap? I am so disappointed in their attitude that it is taking every ounce of my willpower not to hand in my notice over this. I just don't know if it is me being unreasonable as like I mentioned earlier I returned to work 6 weeks ago after a month off recovering from surgery that they did really kindly me pay me for. Do I owe them this?

why would other employees have to know on what basis OP is having time off if she was given paid compassionate leave - no one else need know so it wouldn't create a precedent.

also - get a sick note to get some time off. Very stressful for you OP.

Companies shouldnt make up policies like this on the hoof. Check what it says. Unfortunately, policies will not take into account of how good an employee you are or your relationship with your dad. You will get what the policy states. If you do resign then any reference can legitimately say you left because you didnt like the agreed policy.

You can get signed off sick due to stress as you wont be much use in work anyway for those few days. And for the foreseeable future, only work your paid hours and dont work extra days. Use that time to be with your mum and also help yourself decompress.

Go to see your GP and ask to be off sick as you cant cope with your dad's death.
It wont be that far from the truth anyway.
And you need the time off, more than just one day, to recover from that.

Fwiw i suspect they've just done a big mistake but being a pain because they will either loose a good employee or will see you doing much less than you were doing before. (And sticking up to the rules too, so not coming in early, doing extra work with no pay etc...)
You just cant have it both ways!

My deepest sympathy op how horrible of them to a valuable employee.

I would get signed off and look for another job xxx

Condolences.

If you stay with the agency then make sure you claim every single minute you work and stop being flexible.

If you can get signed off, please do.

And stop going in early, stop staying late, stop taking on extra shifts/going back to work early when you aren't well, are healing, or just don't want to.

Stick to your contract, since that's all they're willing to abide by on their side, clearly. At least you know where you stand with them.

So sorry for your loss.

Firstly, my sincere condolences. I used to work for the NHS (senior nurse position). When my dad died, I took 6 months sick time off. My GP was happy to sign me off for that time. It was the worse time of my life and just could not cope with going in to work to care for others. I hope you decide to take some time for you if you are able.

for you. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad.

Yes, I do think that your employers are behaving poorly. DH was off for around a fortnight when each of his parents died. Several days were compassionate leave, and the rest they just gave him and nobody even questioned it. His is a big American insurance broker though, so money perhaps less of an issue than for smaller employers. Not that there is any excuse for lack of empathy such as you are experiencing.

Make no big decisions just yet. Get signed off in order to give yourself more time. When you go back keep your ear to the ground for other jobs. If you can get that sorted then right at the very end you will be able to tell them how fucked up their attitude to you has been. Get even that way.

I only took 5 days like you 4 before and then 1 afterwards

A week is fairly normal OP

I would not get too angry as you have enough on plate and 5 days is the fair amount xx

Go see your GP and ask to be signed off due to your grief. I can't think of any job anyone could do to their usual standard when they have just lost a loved one. You'll probably be signed off for two weeks, and then go back for another note after that one if you don't think you'd be able to perform your job properly.
So sorry for your loss and the situation.

Oh just saw last week was unpaid ! Sorry

Decent people would give their staff 5 days free leave in my books x

Sorry for your loss - weirdly I found going back to work Comforting and got me back to normality - but we are all different

``my dad died last year - and I definitely needed two weeks off... I was offered a second after I was clearly not ready after the first... it was unpaid but both sides recognised that any work I did would be substandard and ineffectual....

At my place we'd generally give a fortnight paid after the loss of a spouse. Similar for a late term miscarriage. Maybe more if someone lost an older child, thankfully that hasn't come up during my time there.

It would usually be less in the case of a parent, we'd try to take all the circumstances into account I suppose, e.g. I suppose we might give a single person who had relied on the parent in some way a bit longer than a married person.

I work with my dad so dreading the awful day because I won't be able to take any time off to grieve as the company will still have to continue :-(

I'm horrified by this OP. When my Dad died I called work and was told to take as long as I needed. I took a week off but then felt (after the funeral) that I would rather be back at work as it would take my mind off things. When I went in my boss was really shocked and said he would have expected me to be off 2 to 3 weeks and that was on full pay too!
Like others have said go and get yourself signed off as apart from anything else you must be exhausted.

for you and your dad.

I was a TA at a village primary when my dad passed away unexpectedly. My mother had discovered him dead upstairs. I'd worked at the school for 8 years.

Dad died on a Saturday evening at the of the Easter school break. There was a training day on the Monday and I rang them that day to tell them what had happened at the weekend. I reminded them i was an only child and my mum and i only had each other. We were both in shock and were devastated. I said i wouldn't be in the next day (Tuesday) but would be in touch. The school receptionist rang me later on Monday and told me i was putting pressure on everyone else and they needed me in the next day :( This was 10 years ago. I've never forgotten it. Or that bloody woman. I took a week off.

Some people love policies and procedures. I'm not sure it's cost effective though. This attitude doesn't pay off because people end up having to take the time off as sick leave and the company loses all the goodwill that makes people go that extra mile. Yanbu OP but your company definitely seems unreasonable.

How cowardly to wait until you were leaving work to say last week's time off was unpaid. Why not sit down and talk it through with you like a grown up rather than hiding behind policies. You may have been able to come to an accommodation, e.g you being able to do a few bits at home, if you really are that indispensable.

Another nurse here. My DM was killed suddenly in an accident last year. I just went off sick and the GP did me a note for 3 weeks, no questions asked. This is one of the worst and most important times of your life and you cannot possibly care properly for others so soon after having had such a significant bereavement. You owe them nothing, see your GP.

I would go to GP and explain how you are feeling. They will probably sign you off with episodic/reactive stress. You need time to grieve.

TFP that sounds thoughtful but really it's not ok to decide which person is suffering more when a parent dies than another. It would be better to set a time that's fair and allow flexibility with sick leave for longer absences. I never needed compassionate leave for miscarriages incidentally as always signed off for them - it should count as absence related to pg anyway.

I remember that bit in a well known TV series where a man returns to work too soon after his dd dies - he was an air traffic controller and messed up disastrously on his first day back. Does your employer really want you working while overcome with grief!

Iggy exactly! How many jobs out there can be done properly while being stricken with grief?

I really wonder how that woman at my school would have felt if i'd have gone in that Tuesday like she wanted and ended up breaking down in front of all the year one and two children.

I am so sorry about your dad OP.
As someone who worked in the NHS for many years and with an OH who still does I would say go to the GP and get yourself signed off. Don't think twice about it. Ignore anyone on here who thinks you would be wrong to do this. You are absolutely not.
NHS Trusts prominently display their Investors In People signs to show they treat their staff well. In theory they may tick all the boxes necessary to gain the award, but in practice it often means very little.
People think I'm lying when I tell the story of my OH whose father died suddenly on Christmas Eve. He was rostered to work the early shift on Christmas Day but the manager supposedly on call could not be contacted to arrange cover so OH had no choice but to work a full day on a ward of very ill patients were staffing was already at a minimum. He ended up working the Boxing Day too, and then received a very frosty reception when he submitted a request for 5 days compassionate leave!

Some employers are purely shit I'm sorry to say, and this may be the beginning of you changing things in your own life. I'm sorry for your loss.

My DF died on the Sunday and the company I was contracting for (and had been for 6+ years, renewed regularly) terminated my contract on the following Tuesday. I was stunned. I didn't shed any tears over that, but thanked my Dad for doing the right thing from 'up there'! I'm a bit skint now, but much, much, much happier, so they did me a favour.

They weren't pleasant and were a large corporate organisation and given I was a contractor, I wasn't paid for time off anyway. Nor was my presence critical at that point, so it was just a shitty, shitty thing to do. But I'm glad they did because I now work for myself and I'm free of constraints.