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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

1 day's compassionate leave for the death of my Dad

68 replies

Pugwash1 · 06/06/2017 18:04

Hi everyone, longtime lurker here but never really had cause to post before as most things I have wondered about have been covered by past topics.
My dear Dad passed away 6 days ago after an 8 month illness. I live a few doors from him and mum and during the past 8 months I have been his primary carer going in before work to wash and dress him, change catheters, give medications (I am a nurse btw) and give breakfasts etc. I have been going in after work to them do the same but in reverse. Obviously my mum has needed a lot of support during this time too, as they have been married 55 years and before last year my Dad was supremely active and so her life had also changed dramatically.
I returned to work yesterday after having had 4 days off last week off, as my Dads condition really deteriorated and I knew my priorities lay with him at that point and not work. I have been told this evening as I was leaving work that last week was unpaid leave and that I will be allowed 1 day's compassionate leave for his funeral which is on Wednesady 21st June. I had requested the Thursday and Friday off as compassionate leave as I know I will really be in a mess at that point as it will all become very real.

I have done everything my company have asked. I work late when needed and never put in for the extra hours as I feel a bit of give and take is to be expected. I travel when asked to. I start work early every day without asking for extra pay as it is so busy (my choice, I know). I even returned to work 4 weeks early against my surgeon's advice after a bunion operation on my foot and offered to work from home if it would help out at all.

I am down in all documentation with all agencies as my Dad's main carer and his next of kin as my mum has been so overwhelmed with all this she has not been able to cope with anything.

AIBU to think my work are being complete arseholes about this? He was my DAD. The worse thing he ever did in his life was die and he was truly incredible on every level. I have been toId I can take the Thursday and Friday as Annual Leave but I work in such a stressful job and have had such a crummy 8 months AIBU to want to use my annual leave for rest and recuperation rather than being a snivelling snot heap? I am so disappointed in their attitude that it is taking every ounce of my willpower not to hand in my notice over this. I just don't know if it is me being unreasonable as like I mentioned earlier I returned to work 6 weeks ago after a month off recovering from surgery that they did really kindly me pay me for. Do I owe them this?

OP posts:

thatdearoctopus · 06/06/2017 19:46

I'm so sorry to hear this. You're right; it is very mean and unfair and hardly helps towards job satisfaction. My mum died three weeks ago -
I'm a teacher, which some report as being difficult to get time off from, but my HT granted me as much time as I wanted/needed. I expect she knew I'd take the minimum I could and not take the piss and it has made all the difference to my grief.

to you.

Rossigigi · 06/06/2017 19:49

Just want to say I'm sorry to hear your dad passed away

magicalmimi · 06/06/2017 20:19

Love and best wishes to you OP. I got signed off for 5 weeks when my Dad died. I needed that time to support my mum, and to do the practicalities that come with the sudden death of a loved one. Take what time you need and be really kind to yourself as bereavement is a real roller coaster of emotions xxx

Original poster

Pugwash1 · 06/06/2017 20:23

Oh my goodness. You have all made me cry with being so kind. I think what I will do is make an appointment to see my manager. I will explain it in idiots terms of no more than 3 syllables ( he is non clinical and very young and the other one is clinical but a new manager and trying very hard to make a good impression at the expense of the employees health) as to why it would not be in mine or their best interest to have me back at work immediately after the funeral.

I no longer work in the NHS but work for a large American corporation where we conduct face to face assessments with people who are already very anxious, often depressed and who really need someone firing on all cylinders to do them the justice they need at assessment. As a side note if we make mistakes on the assessments then the company gets fined £20,000 for each assessment which is not perfect ( yes, you did read that correctly) so I might gently remind them that 2 days at work seeing 6 clients a day when I will be a big snotty mess...I will let them do the maths.

It definitely has not sunk in yet. At the moment I just feel relief my Dad is not in any more pain but defienatly not relief he has gone. I feel numb and have managed to get everything organised last week and have just this moment come from a meeting with the minister about his funeral so am hoping this doesn't suddenly hit me full on in the future if I do not give myself the time now to grieve properly. If all else fails then sick leave it is, as my Dad and I shared the same GP so he knows what we have been going through as a family as has been very supportive to us. Thanks everyone. I don't know how to do the kissy thing but if I could then I would xx

OP posts:

Giddyaunt18 · 06/06/2017 20:48

I am sorry for your loss op I lost my mum 2 years ago and lost pay that month as only 3 days were allowed: 2 after th death and one for the funeral. I was totally green about sick notes etc, never had one.Like you I had stood in for people at short notice, worked late to help out etc and it felt such a kick in the teeth to lose my mum, have extra expense such as funeral costs, suitable clothing for the funeral etc, visitors staying with us and then less money in my pay. I have looked at work differently since then.

Giddyaunt18 · 06/06/2017 20:51

By the way, I had 2 weeks off in the end, I just wasn't capable of working but I believe I returned too soon, 2 days after the funeral. It was only after my return that a colleague said I should have got signed off by GP as she had done in the past.

BeeThirtythree · 06/06/2017 21:12

Sorry for your troubles, the loss of a parent is one of the hardest things we have to experience. You have spent time looking after your father and done your best to keep him comfortable.
Just one day? Grief does not have a time limit. Aside from which, trying to sort paperwork/funeral etc can not be done in a single day. I agree with PP, I think you need to be signed off, take time for yourself, seeing your father in a poorly way after seeing him being so active is a lot to take, being the support for your mother and all while working as well.
You seem to give a lot at work and maybe try to do as much as is reasonable.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/06/2017 21:21

I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad 💐

You are doing very well not to have told them to shove their job where the sun don't shine. I wouldn't have had the self control when my Dad died.

Do as you've said, go anfpd talk to the twat manager. See how it goes...

Decide before hand if you can afford to tell him to shove it or not if he says no.

Let us know how you get on xx

pinotnoirismyjam · 06/06/2017 21:40

I am so, so sorry to hear your sad news - my thoughts are with you

Unfortunately there's no legal entitlement to compassionate leave, but I would expect an employer to be considerate and allow you to take unexpected annual leave at the least, rather than decreeing it unpaid leave. There's some guidance online here: www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/your-rights.

In your situation, given your responsibilities and the fact that your employer seems unsympathetic, it may be worth seeing your GP to see if you can be signed off of work until you feel more capable of returning (I assume you get occupational sick pay).

I hope you can find a way to give yourself time to grieve properly, and I'm sorry your employers are being such cold-hearted arseholes xx

CressidaTheHeathen · 06/06/2017 21:42

My work paid me three weeks compassionate leave after my DM died unexpectedly. I ended up off work for a total of 3 months (signed off sick) as I had a total breakdown. There was a lot of other stuff going on too.

Even without the other stuff, I'm gobsmacked employers only offer a day or two paid even for a "normal", non complex bereavement, I couldn't function like a proper human for weeks!

Sorry for your loss

Lynnm63 · 10/06/2017 21:35

I hope your manager saw sense. So sorry for your loss

Musicaltheatremum · 10/06/2017 21:50

We need to realise these short term absences are just that. You need time to grieve. I have a member of staff off just now as her ex husband is dying. Her ex husband is the father of her daughter. She lost her son to cystic fibrosis. This is a good worker and she will be back soon. I feel letting her have time off will pay dividends in years to come.. I am a GP she is one of my receptionists.

ffsnotthisagain · 11/06/2017 09:51

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your employer is being an absolute bell end.
In your shoes I would likely go to my GP and ask for a sickline. Is that an option for you? That way the burden of stressing about the leave and all the anguish you are feeling relating to that is lifted.

LardLizard · 12/06/2017 18:22

So sorry for your loss

LardLizard · 12/06/2017 18:23

Personally I'd get signed off and just to piss them off take off longer than you would have if they had been helpful

Mehfruittea · 12/06/2017 18:41

So sorry for your loss

As a manager, I can confirm this is normal policy. Either 1 or 3 days is standard. It's also normal to get a sick note in these circumstances and have it back dated.

No one can tell you how long you need to grieve for, or when you will be fit to return to work. Everyone is an individual. A business cannot decide on a case by case basis who gets what. So sick pay is the only way to be fair to everyone in terms of paid leave and support to return. Those who need months off will also need more support to return. The best way to access the support is via HR and the return to work process.

Please see your GP and I hope work are then jolly decent to you after that. Don't give your employer more of your emotional investment than you are willing to lose. People will be genuinely grateful, but businesses are not.

MatildaTheCat · 12/06/2017 19:02

Don't bother seeing your manager,must get the sick note and get it backdated to cover the time they have said is unpaid. If company policy is one day then he probably doesn't have any wriggle room.

It's such a hard one. Large companies seem to often have the most inflexible policies. When I was NHS employees were allowed 3 days a year for family emergencies. You could go 20 years without taking one day but if you needed more in year 21 there was no chance.

One person I knew had to take unpaid leave to attend the trial of the murderers of one of her parents. That was pretty shit.

So just go sick and grieve in your own time.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/06/2017 19:14

So sorry for your loss - losing a parent is awful.

Your employers are absolute arses.. They don't deserve you! I've come across this so much with employers.. Who seem to expect /take lot of goodwill but then shit on employees when they are most in need.

Yup.. Go to GP... Get signed off... It will take a while until it feels even real.

I hope all goes as well as possible.

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