Taking DD to visit her dad in psychiatric ward

[Natsku]

Really not sure what to do and am probably BU to even consider not taking her but here goes - hasn't seen her for a year and phone contact has been sporadic and for the last two months no contact at all, he completely disappeared. Out of the blue he calls me from the hospital yesterday and asked me to take her to visit him there. He has a long history of mental health problems which have caused a lot of problems for me and DD.

I got more information from him when we called back later so she could talk to him, he only got to the hospital on Thursday and has no explanation for his two month disappearance so I'm sure he's not mentally stable yet which is putting me off taking DD there as I'm not sure what the positive is for her to see her dad when he's still unstable and heavily drugged, but on the other hand I know it would be positive for him and probably aid in his recovery and of course he is her dad and she has missed him. She isn't expressing any interest in going to visit him though. I just can't decide whether I'm reluctant to take her because deep down I know its not the best idea right now or because I'm just being unreasonable and convincing myself its not the best idea.

On a less relevant note its difficult to get there (three hours on the bus and would have to stay overnight in a hotel) and I've just started to get morning sickness so the idea of long bus journeys is really off-putting.

So would I be unreasonable to not take her yet and wait for a couple of weeks at least?

How old is your DD? Think that's quite relevant

I don't know how old your daughter is but if possible, I'd suggest that you go first and see how it is. A few of us went to visit a university friend in a secure mental hospital years ago after he'd been sectioned. Your OH will be in with people with a whole range of problems who will all react in very different ways - and some will probably be fairly drugged up on sedatives etc. You'd be safe but I think I'd go and see what you think and then decide whether your daughter would be up to it You'd also be able then to explain better to her what to expect so it didn't come as a surprise.

I'd wait a couple of weeks until he is a bit more stable, if he only got there on Thursday chances are that he may not have even seen the consultant properly yet to get medication sorted/ changed if not working and also get him a good care plan in place.

If he hasn't seen her for so long a couple of weeks won't make that much of a difference time wise - but could make so much of a difference to how well he is and his presentation when she visits

they should have a family room which will be away from the main ward area i would speak to the staff and ask them wether he is well enough to see her right now if he is the visit should take place in the family room im a former mental health nurse i worked on acute mental health wards for years the family room on the wards i worked on had easy chairs toys a machine for tea and coffee he might well be accompanied by staff who will be as discreet as possible.

I wouldn't.

If he'd been a constant, reliable father who had hit mental health issues I'd have her in there every day.

But in these circumstances? Not a chance.

Some psychiatric facilities do not allow children to visit as far as I'm aware anyway so first step would be to find that out.

Have you ever visited an in patient facility?

My DF was sectioned when I was six or seven. Female parental unit (FPU) didn't want us to see him (ill or not) but DGM took us anyway.
It was explained to us as a ward for people with brain injuries.
DF still seemed like DF, I wasn't scared in the slightest.
In hindsight, I think it was the right thing to do. DF did not need any more isolation than he was experiencing already. Not to mention that the reason for his sectioning was FPU leaving while he was at work and kidnapping us in the process so knowing he could still see us was important

My view is that we should treat mental illness like any other medical condition - and that includes visiting people in hospital.

I don't think it is a reasonable request until his situation becomes a bit more stable, and that answer is dependent very much on age of DD- under about 10 and I wouldn't, unless I had visited myself first to see what state he's in, so that she is not frightened, whether by her father or another patient, or even the place itself.

And 3 hours each way plus overnight stay? Ummmm, school? Expense?

Sorry forgot to say, she's 6 years old.

I would go without her first so you can assess the situation, speak to the staff etc. How old is DD?

having actually worked on mental health wards for many years many children visit their parents in hospital regardless of age as i said before most units provide a family room now so hopefully you would not be expected to be on the actual wards however you really need to discuss this with your daughters fathers team to see how stable he is and wether he is well enough for a visit should you deceide to take her.

This will sound harsh but WTF? No, I wouldn't visit him or take your daughter. When he is out and better, then he can resume contact. But why put yourselves through all that. You owe him nothing and as you say, your daughter doesn't seem bothered. Send him a card or encourage her to write with news of what she has been doing, school etc. Anything more - no.

My view is that we should treat mental illness like any other medical condition - and that includes visiting people in hospital.

This. Think about what you would do if he was in for a physical injury/illness and there's your answer. Although a 3 hour journey and an overnight stay at a hotel does sound like a lot.

I've never visited a place like that before and don't know if there's a family room or not, there's not any information on the hospital website except the general hospital rules about visiting. I asked to speak to a nurse on the phone but he didn't understand me really (part the drugged upness and part bad phone connection).

We'd have to go at a weekend because I have work during the week (otherwise it wouldn't be an overnight stay, its just at the weekend there's only one bus a day).

She knows that he has an illness but she's never seen him on heavy medication, I'm worried it might scare her a bit, but I do want her to be able to understand her dad and his illness and not avoid it if you know what I mean.

Very sporadic contact for a year with a six year old, no contact in two months. So she isn't that important to him normally. Now he's in hospital he wants a cuddle or to have a visitor, or other agenda that benefits him. This is all about him, not dd. He's not interested In how the experience will be for her at all. No, I wouldn't put her three hours on the bus with an overnight - is that your whole weekend gone or would she miss school?- because right now it suits him. I would be concerned about what I was exposing her to if he's unwell enough to be hospitalised, and from what I hear it's unusual for impatient MH treatment to be that long stay so he'll probably be out again soon and can see her then.

Get her to make a card and send it. Phone call or Skype.

Not at 6, no. I would be cautious about taking my DD aged 6 to visit a close relative in hospital suffering from a physical problem with that journey and overnight stay!!

Cross post. So that is her whole weekend gone seeing the man she rarely has contact with in a strange place, unwell, with no guarantee that he'll bother with contact again when he gets out.

It's all well and good treating it like any other illness, but not when he's been no sort of father to her.

She's six and hasn't seen him in months.

yes i understand get the number for the ward and phone the ward [you can phone the hospital switchboard and ask them to put you through]directly and ask to speak to his named nurse or the ward manager [the ward managers are usually avaible mon-fri 9-5ime] and ask their advice [he may not even be allowed visitors yet ]about when to visit .

I would say don't take her. I was sectioned when DD was seven - it was a sectioning that only lasted three days but was one of the most frightening experiences of my life and, while admittedly 12 years ago, I wouldn't have dreamt of wanting her to see me there. My ex H has never had any involvement and she stayed with my parents for those days.

You also said that your DD didn't seem to want to go (I think). Ask your DD to draw him a picture - if possible, you visit him and take it to him. I genuinely don't think that such hospitals are great places for such a young child - I appreciate that this view is based on my personal experience but the police were called several times during my very short stay.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

my hubby was in a mental health unit a couple of years ago very unwell .my sons went to visit but they were teenagers/ early twenties .i dont think they liked seeing there father in such a state confused heavily sedated .BUT my hubby was and is a good father and the boys knew that .but i would not take a small child into these places
you may be in a family room but you are still in the ward and she may be frightened if others start shouting /fighting .and if he has,nt seen her in a year he can wait a while longer .sorry but at 6 its whats best for her not him .

I'm an inpatient mental health nurse. Most wards should have a family room off the ward suitable for family visits. Normally I'd advise you going to see him first to see how stable you think he is, and then decide if you think a visit with your DD is appropriate, but as it sounds like you live a long way from the hospital so that may not be practical. In which case phone the ward and ask to speak to the ward staff for advice. Bear in mind too that due to the way the inpatient services now run, he may not necessarily be in the ward for that long anyway as there's a push to get people to leave hospital asap with community team support wherever possible because they can't afford to jeep them in until they're fully recovered anymore so you may want to wait until he's discharged home to do the visit if you feel more comfortable.

not on the wards i worked on aprillanne the family room is on the unit but not on the ward visitors did not come into contact with other pts as all wards are locked theses days with keypads to get out

X2BOYS .see the ward my hubby on was strange they had a corridor with rooms for visits but a lot of the patients could just ask to walk down there for exercise then sometimes things happened that no child of such a young age should see .

You sound nice to be considering this but your priority is your dd not your ex. I cannot see a single positive for her in this. A very long journey to see a very unwell and possibly unpredictable stranger? At six, if she hasn't seen him for a year and only sporadically before that,he is a stranger.

Wish him well and send updates of your dd by all means but you have clearly built a new stable life for yourselves and I wouldn't be looking to change that. He clearly hasn't been a good dad when well/wellish so now is not the time to try to establish a better relationship.

Good luck, you are nice to be considering this but I really wouldn't.