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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Taking DD to visit her dad in psychiatric ward

77 replies

Natsku · 06/06/2017 08:46

Really not sure what to do and am probably BU to even consider not taking her but here goes - hasn't seen her for a year and phone contact has been sporadic and for the last two months no contact at all, he completely disappeared. Out of the blue he calls me from the hospital yesterday and asked me to take her to visit him there. He has a long history of mental health problems which have caused a lot of problems for me and DD.

I got more information from him when we called back later so she could talk to him, he only got to the hospital on Thursday and has no explanation for his two month disappearance so I'm sure he's not mentally stable yet which is putting me off taking DD there as I'm not sure what the positive is for her to see her dad when he's still unstable and heavily drugged, but on the other hand I know it would be positive for him and probably aid in his recovery and of course he is her dad and she has missed him. She isn't expressing any interest in going to visit him though. I just can't decide whether I'm reluctant to take her because deep down I know its not the best idea right now or because I'm just being unreasonable and convincing myself its not the best idea.

On a less relevant note its difficult to get there (three hours on the bus and would have to stay overnight in a hotel) and I've just started to get morning sickness so the idea of long bus journeys is really off-putting.

So would I be unreasonable to not take her yet and wait for a couple of weeks at least?

OP posts:

FlaviaAlbia · 06/06/2017 10:04

But isn't this the man who refused permission for your daughter to get the therapy she needs after she was assaulted? And you were looking at removing his parental rights?

I wouldn't. It wouldn't be for your daughters benefit.

CountryCaterpillar · 06/06/2017 10:05

My mum was ill on and off through my life and I often visited her in the psych unit (wasn't family rooms then!!)

I've taken my small children in when my mum's been in hospital (not physical when she was unconscious, but when able to speak a little or sit up) and to the psych unit but only to the family room and with ward discussion first.

Her dad didn't choose to be ill. My mum often came off mens as her illness told her she was fine/didn't need them. It's all part of the illness sadly.

I would definitely take her if the ward staff agree. He may not be the most well person but it's her dad and who he is. If he struggles long term with mental health there may never be a perfect time. While he's in hospital it's at least safe. Id aim for supervised contact when he's out too.

I seem to go against the grain though. I love my mum even when she's jll and it's confusing I'd hate to have been denied a relationship with her.

CountryCaterpillar · 06/06/2017 10:07

To those who've visited relatives in dining rooms etc. I've done that as an adult but if you have a child they won't let you, there's a room you have to reserve at our hospital with kids soft toys, colouring in etc.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2017 10:11

I think an incapacitated grandparent is different Caterpillar. No way would I take a 6 yr old, who hasn't seen him for over a year. It could be incredibly damaging and have an impact for the rest of her life.

I'd wait until he were more stable. Or ideally once he's been released and he can visit her for a very short time in a neutral place and have an ice cream together or some such. I hope you get to the bottom of why he's in neurology.

CountryCaterpillar · 06/06/2017 10:16

I've already said I regularly visited my mother in a psych unit over the years as I was growing up haven't I? I mentioned taking the kids now as it's changed and although I used to go on the wards (as a teen I used to just go and sit in the common room with my mum! Wouldn't happen now.) now kids are taken to a special room.

I think denying a child any contact with aparent as they are long term mentally ill is difficult. It's different if they're usually well and then just had a few days in a psych unit but if like my mum it's a regular thing I'm happy I grew up knowing my mum

eelbecomingforyou · 06/06/2017 10:17

Semi - OP has explained that this was due to his illness though. Surely people shouldn't be cut off or 'punished' for being unwell?

No, but OP has also said that he has come off his meds, against advice. And the fact is that the dd still hasn't seen her dad for a year, no matter whose fault it is.

CountryCaterpillar · 06/06/2017 10:17

I missed he was in neurology. As ever I'd be guided by ward staff. I hope he's okay

CountryCaterpillar · 06/06/2017 10:19

Eel. Coming off meds is something some mentally ill people do. It's part of the illness rather than a conscious choice. I'm familiar with quite ill people with bipolar (not all people with bipolar are as ill..) and it's part of the cycle for some of them sadly. They can get on a high, believe everything's fine and they don't need meds. Or the voices tell them bot to take it.

Original poster

Natsku · 06/06/2017 10:24

But isn't this the man who refused permission for your daughter to get the therapy she needs after she was assaulted? And you were looking at removing his parental rights?

Yeah that's him but a big part of why he behaves the way he does is because of his illness (the other part is because he's abusive to me). I don't know how much the illness controls him and how much is him doing things because he's a cunt but I don't want DD to grow up thinking I kept her away from him or anything like that.

But now I found it its the neurology ward I am unsure as its the acute ward so he won't be there for long and I have no idea why he is in there, if he's had an accident or gotten a serious illness or if its his mental illness presenting as a neurological issue (although I assume the doctors would check his medical records and would consider that). Hopefully the nurse will be able to tell me something when I call again (I suppose it depends on whether he has given permission for me to be told anything)

OP posts:

MrKaplan · 06/06/2017 10:26

It's a no from me. Been there. Wish I hadn't.
I was 8, my brother was 6. Went on for years.

mumhas1syllable · 06/06/2017 10:27

Natsku - I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. My DD is also 6 and my ex suffers mental health problems and alcoholism. He also checked himself into a secure hospital for a period and a I have to say I made the decision to take my child to visit him. For both of their benefit I suppose. I have always made a point of informing my DD that her father was very poorly, but in the head and just because you cant see an illness doesn't mean a person isn't in pain. They had a family room available and the facilities weren't great but they enjoyed some colouring together. It was 3 hours away for me also but I drove there. A huge inconvenience but I suppose for me I just felt I had to try to help them both in every way possible. Patients popped their heads in sometimes which I wasn't particularly comfortable with but I spoke to the ward staff and this was quickly stopped. Sorry if that doesn't help your decision but I have been in your position and it's all about doing what YOU feel is best xx

Squirmy65ghyg · 06/06/2017 10:30

You WANT you daughter to grow up knowing you shielded her from abuse. This is a good thing, honest!

CiliatedEpithelium · 06/06/2017 10:31

I was taken to see my DMum in the Roundway when I was seven and it has stayed with me all my life. I was very upset by what I saw and heard there. It was a bad decision on behalf of my DDad to take me and I was close to DMum. I had nightmares of her being in that place for a very long time I can tell you and it was half a century ago but I can still remember it like it was yesterday.

FlaviaAlbia · 06/06/2017 10:51

I still think it'd be more for his benefit than hers though. No good father is abusive to the mother of his children and what he's put her though already is terrible.

Original poster

Natsku · 06/06/2017 12:01

Called again and the nurse said its ok to come visit but they don't know how long he'll be on the ward for so don't know if he'll be there still at the weekend. Didn't get any more clarifying information than that but he's talking to DD on the phone now and doesn't sound as drugged up as earlier.

OP posts:

heateallthebuns · 06/06/2017 12:01

Did you speak to the hospital again? Is this hospital also a weekend overnight journey?

Original poster

Natsku · 06/06/2017 12:16

Yeah its the same hospital, different ward. The nurse didn't think her visiting would be an issue and just said there's no set hours so we can come at any time but she doesn't know how long he'll be on the ward for as its a day-by-day thing.

OP posts:

Squirmy65ghyg · 06/06/2017 12:16

I honestly don't know why you'd do this. Seriously.

Sabsy1 · 06/06/2017 12:26

Absolutely not. I was 10 when i visited my mother in psychiatry first time and it was horrific.

Sabsy1 · 06/06/2017 12:26

Absolutely not. I was 10 when i visited my mother in psychiatry first time and it was horrific.

Maudlinmaud · 06/06/2017 12:34

Natsku my late father was admitted to a neuro ward before he was sedated and taken to ICU. It was really frightening and I was an adult. There where lots of patients with head injuries who where quite loud and aggressive through no fault of their own, just ill. I have also been a patient on a neuro ward and again saw lots of distressing things. I met my dc in a family room when they visited and I was allowed out of bed.

FlossyMooToo · 06/06/2017 12:40

The way some posters are viweing mental health is pretty sickening.

Trevorthebikethief · 06/06/2017 12:44

I visited a mental health ward many years ago when I was about 11 years old. Although we were ushered into a family room, we could still see other patients. To be honest it put the fear of God in me and I've never forgotten it to this day.

ElsaMars · 06/06/2017 12:50

My Dad and stepmum took me to see my much older step brother in prison (who I was not remotely interested in) when I was about 6 or 7. I know it's not the exact situation you're faced with but if it helps, I didn't find it scary, odd but not scary.

Now I'm that they took me and have been nc for years but that's not related to the above.

Anyway, just trying to say that your 6 year old is likely to find it ok if she wants to go. Don't make her do it though if she's not keen.

sunshinesupermum · 06/06/2017 12:52

I was fourteen when I went to visit my mother ina psychiatric hospital. The memories have remained. Strapped to a bed to stop her falling out.

Six years old is too young imho even if he is in a neurological ward now.
Better to go alone yourself, discuss the situation with his medical staff.

Good luck. Hope he recovers soon

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