Taking DD to visit her dad in psychiatric ward

[Natsku]

Really not sure what to do and am probably BU to even consider not taking her but here goes - hasn't seen her for a year and phone contact has been sporadic and for the last two months no contact at all, he completely disappeared. Out of the blue he calls me from the hospital yesterday and asked me to take her to visit him there. He has a long history of mental health problems which have caused a lot of problems for me and DD.

I got more information from him when we called back later so she could talk to him, he only got to the hospital on Thursday and has no explanation for his two month disappearance so I'm sure he's not mentally stable yet which is putting me off taking DD there as I'm not sure what the positive is for her to see her dad when he's still unstable and heavily drugged, but on the other hand I know it would be positive for him and probably aid in his recovery and of course he is her dad and she has missed him. She isn't expressing any interest in going to visit him though. I just can't decide whether I'm reluctant to take her because deep down I know its not the best idea right now or because I'm just being unreasonable and convincing myself its not the best idea.

On a less relevant note its difficult to get there (three hours on the bus and would have to stay overnight in a hotel) and I've just started to get morning sickness so the idea of long bus journeys is really off-putting.

So would I be unreasonable to not take her yet and wait for a couple of weeks at least?

I would take her. She will just think its a hospital. I would call and ask to speak to Dr first to check he's stable and when the best time to visit is that matches his medication schedule.

I think PP are being awful saying he hasn't been a good dad because he hasn't seen her, when it is clearly due to mental health reasons. You mentioned these are long term issues so guessing you were aware of them when you were together and had DD?

For a six year old visiting someone in hospital can be an alien and uncomfortable experience even without the mental health context.

My mil has cancer and has become very ill very quickly, lost the use of her legs, a lot of her memory, a lot of her hearing... As well as her hair and more besides. My youngest is able to cope with the rapid change well when she is home, and cuddles her on the sofa, chats to her naturally etc. When she's in hospital he becomes shy and withdrawn when we visit and says afterwards that he feels as though she's a stranger. It's not the illness, it's the hospital, even though it's a "nice" friendly, clean, bright, calm one as hospitals go. He's also 6.

Even my 9 yo is similarly cowed by hospital - only my 11 year old is unphased by the environment and a "good" visitor. DH now only takes the eldest to visit in hospital and the younger two visit whenever she's allowed home.

Given your DH has not been part of her day to day life recently I wouldn't take her to the hospital. It would be different if he'd been living as part of your family before hospitalisation, though she still might not get any benefit from visiting, but in that case it would be something that you'd do for him. Not in this case though.

If you want to visit call the hospital first. Nearly every one will have a room for young children to visit in that is full of toys and has sofa's etc. You wouldn't be taking her onto the ward itself. The visit should be supervised by staff if you want. The staff should also be able to advise on the appropriateness of the visit - in terms of is he well enough to see her etc.

I dont know your history but if he is now in hospital that implies he is very unwell, he may have been getting more and more unwell over the last year which could explain his lack of contact. Was he a decent dad before this?

No!

He hasn't bothered with her before he got ill. Why would you even consider it?

To clarify the illness is the reason he hasn't seen her, too ill to be allowed unsupervised contact and the nature of his illness makes him think supervised visits are a conspiracy against him. The two months disappearance is not normal though (he's disappeared before but never for that long) so I think the illness is worse this time but when he is healthy he really does love DD and sees her as much as he can. But he did choose to go off his meds even though he was warned that he would get ill again if he did that (I don't know if that counts as self-inflicted as I've never been in that position so shouldn't judge him on that although I do)

He'll most likely be in there for three months as that's how long they can keep him without a court order (not in the UK) and that's how long he's been in the previous times (he didn't ask us to visit the previous times, I think this time is different because its been so long since he's seen her). I've asked her social worker to come by this afternoon so I can talk to her about it and see what she thinks. Will try to give the ward a call now too though if the connection is as bad as yesterday I might not get the information.

He is asking to see her for his benefit not hers. There is no way I would agree to it.

My view is that we should treat mental illness like any other medical condition - and that includes visiting people in hospital - I agree, and I'd be concerned about taking a 6 year old to see people in hospital with various other conditions not just mental health.

Mental health problems can be so varied I think you need to find out the exact nature of the problem if you don't already. It could be that he's suicidal or he may be having auditory hallucinations etc. My dad has been hospitalised under the mental act several times. The first time I was in my early teens and my mum didn't want me to go and see him but I skipped school and went anyway. When I arrived he started shouting at me to grab his lighter ... he was pointing to a bar of soap. I was terrified so grabbed the soap and put it in my pocket. He then wrapped a blanket around himself and said we were going to 'escape' and proceeded to stumble around down the hall and stairs and I had to quickly alert a member of staff.

I was so frightened by it all. Mostly because I just didn't see, at the time, how someone could ever be well again after something like that. He didn't even look like him. His eyes were wild and even his mannerisms were way off. I didn't see him much growing up either.

I wouldn't want a 6 year old to see someone the way my dad was but as I say, there are so many different mental health conditions and without knowing what exactly is wrong with him it's difficult to say. You really need to speak with someone on the ward (as has been suggested) and find out what his behaviour is like at the moment.

No way. Definitely not.

I think you would be mad to consider it without first speaking to his doctor or a nurse and finding out the situation. I cannot see any positive for your dd in this and that surely Hs to be to be your priority. It may aid in his recovery but it may not and frankly it is not your dd's job to do that. Hopefully he is in the right place to get better with the help of professionals

Natsku Sorry cross posted with your update. So it sounds like he is paranoid about conspiracies against him? My dad has also had that and I had to have him hospitalised after he started making 'weapons' (a chair leg with razor blades nailed into them) to 'protect' himself. The problem is you don't know who they're going to see as a 'threat'. It's very scary.

Could you perhaps write letters back and forth, send pictures and have phone calls? Might be best for now. It's good that you'll be speaking with a social worker about it though. I hope he gets well soon, very difficult situation for you all but you sound like a very understanding person and I'm sure whatever happens your DD will be okay as she has you.

My father was hospitalised when I was very young for mental health issues. We were taking to visit him and seeing him in such a confused and distressing state had a subtle but profound negative effect on me that I carried for many years.

Every situation is different obviously but I would suggest you err on the side of caution. If you are considering taking her, perhaps do as a PP suggested and go and see him on your own first and assess whether he is in a state that might unduly upset your DD. Also bear in mind he will not be the only patient there and your daughter will be exposed to others who may be quite disturbing to her even if her dad is OK.

Phone the ward and speak to the staff. If he starts to harass you, they need to know.
He can speak to her on the phone if you think its ok, with you monitoring the call. He doesnt need to see her face to face.

My uncle is schizophrenic, I remember seeing him as an 8 year old in a psychiatric hospital. It's your decision ofc and it's obvious you're not taking it lightly, but wouldn't take her if she was my daughter.

your mental health is also important i would concentrate on your weekend as being as relaxing as possible. Bringing up children whilst working is stressful and as your in a dilema over this your already experiencing some of the stress that mental health issues bring to the rest of the family. my advice would be to stay strong for your little girl by avoiding this type if stress ..travelling financing accommodation and let the experts deal with her father. how much pressure can you take in your stride? If you start suffering your child will too.
i know it sounds harsh but life is full of difficult decisions and sometimes there is no wrong or right answer. just your gut instincts as a mother as to whats best for your and her wellbeing. its not selfish its unfortunatley survival in life today. being strong[confused for wen hes better is the best thing you can do in this situation i feel. take care of you and dd.

If he was a good, loving father then yes. But

he hasn't seen her for a year and phone contact has been sporadic and for the last two months no contact at all, he completely disappeared

No way. She's 6 - that's no way to treat a child.

She could send him a card. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he sees his dd.

Not a chance unless you've discussed it with his medical team first. An acute male psychiatric unit is no place for a six year old. To take her there would be totally irresponsible. You have no idea of how distressing it could be for her so soon after his admission.
If you ring the ward and ask to speak to the charge nurse, explain the situation and take their lead.

Don't take her.

If he was a good, loving father then yes. But

he hasn't seen her for a year and phone contact has been sporadic and for the last two months no contact at all, he completely disappeared

No way. She's 6 - that's no way to treat a child

She could send him a card. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he sees his dd

OP has explained that this was due to his illness though. Surely people shouldn't be cut off or 'punished' for being unwell?

I think from what you describe that this is something that needs to be planned between you and the staff. Work out with them how he would benefit from seeing either you or both of you, whether he is likely to be able to start building more of a relationship with your daughter, and start to create a longer term plan to do that if so. Any visit should be part of that longer plan and carefully thought through.

Like many others my instincts are saying this is probably not the right time. Best wishes, it sounds difficult.

I called the nurse and found out I got it wrong, he's not actually in the psychiatric ward, he's in the acute neurology ward so now I'm really confused. The nurse told me to call back in an hour after the doctor has done their rounds so she'll have more information about his state then.

I was made do this when I was a little older than your DD. Please don't do it to her. The memories still haunt me.

It depends on what kind of ward he's on. If he's in an Intensive Psychiatric Care Unit I wouldn't. I visited my daughter there every weekend for 6 months. Not a good environment for children. There was a feeling of "It could all kick off at any minute." The visiting room was the dining room and all the patients and their visitors were there.
If it's an open ward with a family room then it would be better. Psychiatric hospitals are not fun and happy places. My daughter has been in different ones for 8 years. My son (from age 11) would come with me on visits to the less intense wards when his sister was doing better and sometimes she was able to spend an afternoon out with us.
Sometimes we'd go and visit and she couldn't cope with us visiting for long even though she did want to see us. Be prepared for a long journey and a possible short visit.
I'd phone and see what the ward staff say.

If he has only gone in on Thursday and is likely to stay 3 months then there is no immediate rush. He may really want her there now, but will so little recent contact I think from her POV a couple more weeks would not make a big difference.

I think you have to consider that if he is unwell enough for admission, that it may take some time for medication to work and for him to improve.

In the meantime if you are trying to prepare her for possible future visits, could she send a card, could he video call her? Could you ask any family members who have visited him how he is?

My DS was sectioned, visited him, found it was depressing, (am very claustrophobic) and locked in first door in glass area, on the way out, they "forgot" to unlock, I was terrified, very sad place lots of people sedated, staff dont wear uniform, cannot tell who is a patient, course it might be different where you DH is, I frankly would take your DD, go see him first. Ring and ask questions about what the place is going to be like. This was a speciliast "mental health unit". I had been nursing over 40 years and most thing dont phase me.

sorry that was meant to say "I would NOT" take your daughter, go first, have a chat with her when you see her next, she may say she wants to go and see him.