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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to leave a 12 year old alone all day?

93 replies

streetface · 05/06/2017 13:33

I work full time as does my husband. We have no family nearby to help with childcare. Previously we have had holiday clubs, family etc to help but next year we don't have these things (new area, new school). The holiday clubs here are for primary aged kids.

I can only take a certain amount of time off as can my husband. We could probably cover half the summer hols at a push. I am dreading next summer hols already. What does everyone else do with their teens in the summer hols when you are working?

OP posts:

Hissy · 05/06/2017 14:34

My ds is 11, he outgrew his usual holiday activity, so it costs a lot more to send him where he goes now, but OMG it's such a great environment.

I think you might be local to me?

Notso · 05/06/2017 14:34

Mine doesn't like being on his own for longer than a couple of hours. He would do without complaint if he had to but would probably be on the PC all day and pining like a puppy when we got home. I wouldn't for a whole summer holidays.

caffeinestream · 05/06/2017 14:36

I don't think a childminder is appropriate for a 12yo unless there are other children of the same age there.

Are there activity days nearby? Most schools or sports centres will run some kind of summer camp, even if it's just for a week. Or he could have one week at home with a day at your mums, one week at camp, and just keep alternating? Maybe a couple of different camps if you can afford it.

Hissy · 05/06/2017 14:40

I would happily leave DS alone for a couple of hours, but he would be happy with this - practically shoving me out of the door tbh!, but your DS might not be happy about this.

THAT SAID...

if he is at secondary school next year, a lot will change in terms of independence etc. I'm not sure I'd want to leave ds for a whole day though, perhaps things will be different next year though, kids change so quickly!

TitsalinaBumSquash · 05/06/2017 14:41

I have a 12 yr old lad, also Hampshire way. I'd leave him all day, I leave out a huge tray of food that he's allowed (otherwise he'd eat the whole house) and he hangs out watching a film or 2 or reading/playing Xbox. I don't like him going out while I'm gone though so he also has a local friend of his that I trust in. We've run through what to do in an emergency and I leave him with a fully charged phone, he quite likes the responsibility and does a few jobs round the house for me while I'm gone.

teaandakitkat · 05/06/2017 14:43

If you're thinking now about next summer that gives you lots of time to get organised and get him 'trained up'. If you're talking about suddenly leaving a kid who's never been on his own much for 5 long days a week then YWBU, but if you sort of work up to it and break it up a bit for him then I think it will be fine.

I left my 11 yr old over the easter holidays by himself while I was at work from 9 till 1 three days each week. I only work 10 minutes away so could get home quickly if need be.

We planned him things to do, like he went to the swimming pool one morning, one time he walked to the library to return some books. Twice he cycled to my office and we sat outside in the sunshine and had a cup of tea in my tea break then he cycled home. One morning he went to the kids cinema showing with his friend.

That's the most I would be happy leaving him right now, full days would be too much. But by next summer I probably would, he could go swimming in the morning, come and have lunch with me, by the time he got home he'd only have a couple of hours till I was heading home. By age 12 he could get a bus into town and have lunch with his dad, that sort of thing. If it was going to be quite a few days in a row I'd book him into an activity of some sort one of the days even if he wasn't keen.

Start letting him do stuff on his own over this next year and I'm sure you'll be fine.

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/06/2017 14:52

I think all day at 12 is probably ok as a one off but day after whole day alone is too much. It would be lonely and probably very unproductive for him . I wouldn't be happy with 12 year old friends coming round either.Structure the week so that DS has things to do for half days at least eg going to granny/ tennis lesson/ swimming with friends/ trip to Isle of Wight with a friend/ cycle to another friend/ cinema/ stay night with someone....
I sympathise ... the long holidays are really difficult and I always resented having to take holiday at different times to DH to cover them

WrongShui · 05/06/2017 14:52

I would advise start preparing him now for being able to manage alone. Secondary does force Kids to go beyond their comfort zone for Sure. That will definitely help. He may surprise you by how much he matures over this next year. Give him opportunities to prove he is sensible.

Look into activities now so you know the rough options and Costs if you need them.

Spread holidays out so he isn't alone several days in a row.

WrongShui · 05/06/2017 14:54

Also encourage new friends. You may find by the end of next year he has friends whom
You can do swaps with so you have 2-3 boys on your day off then the other parents do the same so it splits that childcare. I know a few people with secondary age kids who do this.

titchy · 05/06/2017 14:56

Given that he's currently year 6 I really wouldn't worry too much - this time next year he will be a completely different, far more independent child. They grow up massively between year 6 and year 7, even though it doesn't seem believable right now.

Scouts by the way usually have summer camps if he's interested.

Seeline · 05/06/2017 15:01

I agree- a year is a long time in a child's life - especially when that year is their first year at secondary school. You won't believe the difference in your DS this time next year.
I think it is a good idea to have a look round this summer to see what is available for next summer, but I think you will need to reassess things come next Easter to see what you/your DS really want/need.

Chocolatecake12 · 05/06/2017 15:09

Enrol him in scouts now! They often run camps for a week in the summer holidays. They are amazing giving up their own holiday to look after other people's children.
Also I would say that 12 is the right age to leave them for a day if they are sensible etc.l, but not every day fur weeks on end as they will get bored and lonely.
You will hopefully find that by this age they are making arrangements to meet up with friends anyway.
Do you have any friends with similar age children? Could you offer to look after their child and then they return the favour.
So - over the 6 weeks holiday, possibly one week at camp or holiday club. One week with your annual leave and one week with your dh's. That only leaves 3 weeks - 15 days to sort out.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/06/2017 15:24

The other thing to bear in mind is that his secondary school may have a holiday programme - ours does and there are theme park trips and days to the park interspersed with sporting activities, drama clubs, cookery classes etc so something for everyone. Only things that cost are the trips. DS sometimes goes to one or two of the activities but at 17 he's outgrown most of them now.

teenagetantrums · 05/06/2017 15:33

I left mine at 12. To be honest they didn't get up till late and l was,back by 6pm. Rules were no friends in house. They could go out if they told me where they were going. No cooking only toast nd microwave meals. Couldn't trust my son to remember to turn it off. It was all fine except when l cane home one day and front door was wide open...wasn't happy about that . At 11 they were going 30mins on bus to school and him alone for a,few hours after school so quite independent. I wouldn't do it for 6weeks but every other week is,what l did, between my holiday and staying with grandparents it worked for other3. Would your 12 year old go to your mums and help out with toddler, you could pay him with a treat at end off week.

Kokusai · 05/06/2017 15:38

I think 12 is a bit young to be left ALL day EVERY day for half the holidays.

Unless he has a lot of local mates he can kick around with he'll be lonely.

BITCAT · 05/06/2017 15:40

I really think it depends on the child in question. My daughter's would be totally fine. Whereas my boys not so sure, couple of hours they would be fine but a whole day probably not.

Kokusai · 05/06/2017 15:40

I used to go on at least 2x 1 weeks camps - either PGL, science, drama, art, music - whatever.

so e.g. we had 2 weeks of family hols, 2 weeks of camps, 1 week with my gran or aunt and then mum and dad would cover the rest so might leave me on my own for most of the day but try and finish early and be home for 16.00 or something.

mummytime · 05/06/2017 16:02

I've known teenagers/students who are employed to provide some child care over the summer. Where I am in Surrey there is also a summer scheme specifically for 11-16 which is a mixture of trips and activities together with hanging around with others.
Do you know any other parents? Even if they don't have an issue they may be able to suggest ideas.

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