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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave a 12 year old alone all day?

93 replies

streetface · 05/06/2017 13:33

I work full time as does my husband. We have no family nearby to help with childcare. Previously we have had holiday clubs, family etc to help but next year we don't have these things (new area, new school). The holiday clubs here are for primary aged kids.

I can only take a certain amount of time off as can my husband. We could probably cover half the summer hols at a push. I am dreading next summer hols already. What does everyone else do with their teens in the summer hols when you are working?

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 05/06/2017 14:02

I stayed home alone from that age. My mum rang once a day and if I wanted to go out with friends/to the shops I had to text when I was leaving, say when I'd be home, and then text when I got home as well.

The deal was I had to be home when my parents got home from work (around 5pm) unless agreed the day before. I could go out again afterwards, though.

I hated holiday clubs and most didn't take kids over 12/13, and my parents had no way of dropping me off at activity weeks as the starting times never matched up with their work times, and public transport in our area was impractical and expensive.

All my friends did the same - this was 2001 onwards.

Stickerrocks · 05/06/2017 14:02

Fairthorne Manor near Fareham?

Dearlittleflo · 05/06/2017 14:03

I don;t think it's unreasonable for the odd day here and there. However, I know my son (similar age) would be bored stupid and end up just playing computer games all day. I think that in itself is a reason to find an alternative if you can.

A holiday club really would be better if it's possible, even if he doesn't love it. Near us there are all sorts of activities on, from tennis to cookery to programming- there must be something he would find interesting!

snowgirl1 · 05/06/2017 14:03

If you left him knowing he falls into the 'no way' category, then yes I'd think you were BU.

If you have the space at home, could you look into a male au-pair for the summer holidays? Someone to be at home with him (and go out with him) to ensure he doesn't do anything daft.

Alternatively, is there a friend of your DS's who has working parents that you could offer to have at your house for the weeks you/DH are at home in turn for them having your DS for a few weeks?

BadTasteFlump · 05/06/2017 14:04

OP it's confusing because if you have family looking after one of your DC, it would usually follow that they would look after both of them?

londonmummy1966 · 05/06/2017 14:04

Only you know your son OP and therefore know if he is OK to be left alone. If he is sensible then yes - both my dds were fine to leave alone at this age. What is he interested in as there is bound to be something he could do some of the time which isn't a traditional "holiday camp"? eg my two are musical so go on an orchestra camp and spend days sailing at a local boating centre. There are usually coding courses for kids into IT and many local councils run arts award courses etc aimed at secondary school children and which are nothing like traditional holiday camps. He could also perhaps take himself there and enjoy the independence?

ssd · 05/06/2017 14:05

no streetface, in your first post you said

We have no family nearby to help with childcare

then you said

Only family near us is my mum. She is 70 and already has my toddler one day a week

DawnOfTheMombie · 05/06/2017 14:07

Your Mum would be better off with your 12YO and toddler. 12YO can help with toddler. Surely?!

NoSquirrels · 05/06/2017 14:08

If this is over a year away you have all this summer to look around for interesting courses and activities, and then you have all of next year when he's at school (presume starting secondary) for him to make friends he can hang out with at least some of the time, for you to prep him on being more independent, and for you to organise your holiday allocation. Don't worry too much.

If you still need to sort this summer, though, best to start making plans...

blueskyinmarch · 05/06/2017 14:08

I still don’t understand why your DM can’t have your 12 yo too. My DM used to have all the GC when they were little no matter what age. She wouldn’t have dreamed of only having one of them and not the other.

DarkFloodRises · 05/06/2017 14:08

An hour's drive away from the childcare options is fine in my opinion. DH and I both commute so we're always an hour or so away if there was an emergency with one of my DC. I think that would be better than leaving him alone at home all day.

Original poster
streetface · 05/06/2017 14:08

I don't like to ask mum as she only manages with the toddler one day a week as it is, takes her to baby groups and always comments on what a handful she is. I will ask though. You're right he could help.

He used to be ok with holiday clubs but then I was on maternity leave for month and now he is in year 6 he is absolutely non-stop moaning about going. He is too old, everyone else is much younger etc etc. He may be mature enough by then I will have to reassess at the time. We have moved a very long way away from everyone we know and all our family but as all the family we have other than my mum work full time anyway we never really had much help anyway. Thanks for all your suggestions. I will look up some alternative holiday camps. Like PP said, he might be pleasantly surprised!

OP posts:
ssd · 05/06/2017 14:09

agree with dawn, your toddler can go to a childminders and your mum can keep an eye on the teenager

TroubleInSnowland · 05/06/2017 14:09

I've had to bite the bullet this year and leave my 12 year old on his own. I leave him in bed and give him a list of jobs to do ( just simple things like make bed, load dishwasher etc). Then he gets to play on the computer. I let the neighbour know that he's on his own so she can keep an eye on the house and we have strict rules over opening the door, answering the phone and using hot things. For the long school holidays I I'll take 2 weeks off, DH will take 2 weeks off and he will go his grandmothers for a week ( we can't do this for every holiday as mil looks after her other grandchildren and I don't want to burden her more than needed).
Speaking to other parents it seems a lot of people are in the same position.

caffeinestream · 05/06/2017 14:09

Yes, why can't your mum have them both? Surely the 12yo can help with the toddler and make it a bit less difficult for her?

arbrighton · 05/06/2017 14:10

how much 'looking after' would a 12 year old add for your mum in comparison with a toddler.

He needs half an eye kept on him and a sandwich shoving down him at lunch. Perhaps your mum can have some jobs for him to do. Maybe not his ideal summer holiday but if you can't leave him home alone....

YABU to not ask your mum.
And it was VERY unclear seeing as you said no family around and then oh your mum has your toddler

Hissy · 05/06/2017 14:11

I live in north hampshire and my ds goes to Ultimate Activity, he loves it, survival skills etc.. I work in berkshire tho, so it's closer to where I work than where I live. Would that be a better approach for you? to look closer to work than home? means it has less impact on the working hours if the drop off times are close to when you need to be at work?

do any of the places here help?
www.gethampshire.co.uk/whats-on/family-kids-news/summer-holiday-things-kids---7541871

Original poster
streetface · 05/06/2017 14:11

ssd. The 'family' (my mum) we have nearby CANNOT help with childcare.This post is about my 12 year old. So my statement is correct.

We have NO FAMILY that can help with CHILDCARE perhaps I should have added "OF MY 12 YEAR OLD" if it makes it clearer for you.

OP posts:
JuicyStrawberry · 05/06/2017 14:12

YANBU. It does depend on the child though but you know your child and know if they are sensible/won't be scared etc..
At that age I was on my own all day a lot when my dad had to work Saturdays.

NoSquirrels · 05/06/2017 14:12

Courses for secondary age/young teens and up are much better than the primary school holiday club when you're Year 6. I think you can find stuff to keep him amused, don't worry.

Pigflewpast · 05/06/2017 14:13

If I'm right you're looking at next year for this? You might find he is much more mature after a year at high school and you'll be happy to leave him at home, they can change a lot in that year.

Original poster
streetface · 05/06/2017 14:13

Hissy you are a star. Thank you for the link!! Fantastic.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 05/06/2017 14:13

No, it doesn't make sense.

If she can manage a toddler, why on earth can't she watch your 12yo as well? Toddlers take a lot more supervision and energy than pre-teens.

mum11970 · 05/06/2017 14:13

Can your mum not look after your toddler in your house? My 12 year old needs no actual looking after but would rather not be left completely alone for the day.

CountessOfStrathearn · 05/06/2017 14:15

"To have a 12 year old at the same time is a bit of an ask."

I'm not sure why having a 12 year old around is "a bit of an ask". A 12 year old should be fairly independent with things and should be able to find things for them to do. I am a Guide leader and see my Guides (10-14 year olds) cooking over fire at camp so I am pretty sure that a NT 12 year old can help his grandmother with the cooking at home, or he could manage to do some baking, read on his own, perhaps learn to do a bit of gardening, learn computer programming, play with the toddler, build some complicated Lego creation, visit a museum for an afternoon, do the laundry, learn about photography on a smartphone or proper camera, make a film about something, learn to play the guitar