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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit disappointed on my birthday

68 replies

Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 11:35

Birthday today. Not a big one. DP got up with DC2, gave me homemade cards from them both. Nothing from him, he's "been really busy", and thought I wouldn't mind.

Supposed to all go swimming together this morning, but he decided he didn't want to go, if I didn't mind. Just texted him, he doesn't want to go for lunch as he's "not feeling great."

So now I've been looking after the DC (5 and 2) solo all morning while he has stayed in bed. If I say anything I'll just get "I asked if you minded..."

AIBU to think it is fucking obvious I would mind not getting a present and spending the entire fucking morning on my own? It just feels like an extension of the "mental load" debate, he's abdicating responsibility by asking if I mind, because I'll look like the unreasonable one if I do object :(

OP posts:
Redredredrose · 04/06/2017 11:37

YANBU at all to my mind, he's being lazy and thoughtless and selfish. But often the MN hive mind reckons that birthdays are for children only and expecting even a card is entitled, so be prepared for some YABUs.

TheStoic · 04/06/2017 11:41

What did you say when he asked if you minded?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 11:42

Thanks red. He is of the view that it's not about the actual day and he will get me something. I think given Amazon and online shopping there's no excuse for missing birthdays. And it's obvious I would like some adult company for the day...

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 04/06/2017 11:44

Maybe he's generally unwell?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 11:44

About the present: nothing, just tried not to look too disappointed. About swimming, just said, "Well, ok..." about lunch: not replied.

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 04/06/2017 11:45

I would be really fed up! It's the one day a year where you expect a bit of effort to be made to make you have a happy relaxing day

Teddy6767 · 04/06/2017 11:45

What was he like on past birthdays?

Louiselouie0890 · 04/06/2017 11:46

Unless he's actually I'll you need to tell him your not happy

Oldraver · 04/06/2017 11:46

Have you told him you do mind ? Is he actually properly unwell or just shirking ?

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 11:47

He spent the afternoon yesterday gardening, no complains of illness then...

OP posts:
lightcola · 04/06/2017 11:48

If I were you I would take the kids out anyway whether it be lunch, ice cream, play in the park. It will make you feel better and leave him at home feeling guilty and sorry for himself. I would also make a mental note not to make any effort for his birthday.

MsHopey · 04/06/2017 11:48

My husband is the a card, flowers and present kind of guy. That's okay with me, I love him for him and he's soon good in many ways. He'll let me pick something for myself or take me shopping. But no matter how he felt he wouldn't go back to bed and leave me with DC on my birthday and cancel all birthday related plans. Just no. Do you think if the situation was reversed he "wouldn't mind" if you stayed in bed on his birthday whole he looked after DC?

lightcola · 04/06/2017 11:48

Happy birthday by the way.

cheesydoesit · 04/06/2017 11:48

Happy birthday OP! Flowers Cake What happens on his birthdays? Nothing this year I hope.

MsHopey · 04/06/2017 11:48

*isn't card

Underthemoonlight · 04/06/2017 11:49

TBH people can generally wake up ill dispite being ok the previous day. I've woken up with dreadful flu. If it was my DH I would just rearrange for another day if he was poorly

TheStoic · 04/06/2017 11:50

Stand up for yourself, OP.

'Do you mind?'
'Yes of course I do. It's my birthday, and I want to .'

YouTheCat · 04/06/2017 11:50

Is he still in bed then?

Could you leave the kids with him and see if a mate fancies lunch?

luckylucky24 · 04/06/2017 11:50

I would be pissed off at this. Don't reply but take your kids out for something fun to eat like a pancake house or a nice restaurant followed by icecream. Stuff them full so that they don't need tea later and make sure you cook nothing for "D"H. When he asks what is for tea just say "oh me and the kids had a large lunch so aren't hungry. You don't mind do you?"

daisychain01 · 04/06/2017 11:51

He isn't making a lot of effort for you, but presumably the homemade cards from your two DC 5 and 2 were organised by him? So I wouldn't completely trash his efforts.

Probably 6/10 and "could try harder"

Have a lovely day anyway Flowers

altiara · 04/06/2017 11:52

I'd say yes actually I do mind, then take kids out somewhere for a nice lunch although at that age I'm thinking garden centre with play area while you get afternoon tea or something. Then takeaway for 1 this evening with a "didn't think you'd mind as you're feeling poorly"

Taylor22 · 04/06/2017 11:53

If you know he's going to say that then you need to go up to him now and say actually I do kind. This is my birthday and I you will not spend it in bed doing nothing. At the very least he can take the reins with the kids.
If you say nothing then it's on you. You can't moan when you're not communicating with him.

Happy Birthday Op.

AnathemaPulsifer · 04/06/2017 11:55

That sucks. I'd be tempted to reply 'I'd have been happy with family time or a bit of quiet time to myself on my birthday, but it seems a bit unkind for you to opt out of my entire birthday. No gifts, staying home in bed... Wouldn't you mind if the position were reversed on your birthday?'

Polomintini · 04/06/2017 11:56

I have a theory that you get the Birthday that you ask for. I'm not that big on birthdays now I'm older, but I make sure a couple of weeks in advance I've laid out my expectations interns of a couple of gift ideas and some ideas of things might be nice to do together such as a nice lunch etc. Yes they should know that you don't want to be on your own with no present so YANBU but just make it clear where your standards are and make him live up to it...you've let him off a bit lightly. Go home, tell him he's been a bit of a dick and that he's on duty for rest of day and cooking dinner, you're off to put your feet up. Happy Birthday x

chaplin1409 · 04/06/2017 11:56

Happy birthday. I know how you feel it seems to be the same for me every year. I get cards from the kids but that's it. Same with wedding anniversary that was on Friday just gone. He had not forgotten about it as he mentioned it but still no card flowers nothing at all.

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