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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit disappointed on my birthday

68 replies

Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 11:35

Birthday today. Not a big one. DP got up with DC2, gave me homemade cards from them both. Nothing from him, he's "been really busy", and thought I wouldn't mind.

Supposed to all go swimming together this morning, but he decided he didn't want to go, if I didn't mind. Just texted him, he doesn't want to go for lunch as he's "not feeling great."

So now I've been looking after the DC (5 and 2) solo all morning while he has stayed in bed. If I say anything I'll just get "I asked if you minded..."

AIBU to think it is fucking obvious I would mind not getting a present and spending the entire fucking morning on my own? It just feels like an extension of the "mental load" debate, he's abdicating responsibility by asking if I mind, because I'll look like the unreasonable one if I do object :(

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/06/2017 11:57

Make sure you treat him the same way on his birthday.

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 11:59

I know I need to communicate with him. Just feel a bit childish spelling it out. And really just wondered if AIBU to think I shouldn't have to.

His birthday is very close to Christmas, I have never missed it so hard to say if he'd mind.

OP posts:
Kerberos · 04/06/2017 12:00

Happy Birthday OP Cake

I'd be yelling by now. He's being a dick and needs to be reminded of it. Yes you do bloody mind.

Emboo19 · 04/06/2017 12:00

I agree you need to tell him you do mind! I don't go for that abdicating responsibility rubbish. If my boyfriend asks if I mind or I'm ok with something I tell him the truth, if he doesn't like my answer he shouldn't ask me. It only becomes a thing if you don't answer honestly.

HelenaJustina · 04/06/2017 12:01

Happy Birthday!

Pack up the kids and go out for lunch anyway, it might not be the same restaurant you'd go to if you had two adults to kid-wrestle but you won't have to cook...

Have a delicious desert and maybe go to a park to run the legs off the kids afterwards.

Don't let your mindset spoil your day, if you want a nice day - that's in your hands.

Treat yourself to flowers or something else you fancy, pick up a cake and have it for tea with the DC.

Let him wallow and don't let him see the impact that his behaviour is having in you.

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 12:01

Thanks for the birthday wishes BTW :)

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 04/06/2017 12:02

And no you shouldn't have to spell it out to him! But he's asking so do!!

Happy birthday CakeFlowers

cheesydoesit · 04/06/2017 12:05

Well miss it this year. Tell him you've been busy with the run up to Christmas and had too much on your mind. That would never happen though would it because grabbing a card and a gift and making a cup of tea in the morning for someone you love isn't really that much trouble to go to? Is it the first birthday that's been overlooked? Definitely 'forget' or at least scale back his.

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 12:05

Polomintini, I thought I had! I thought presents was a given, then we were going swimming, then for lunch. Just thought we were going as a family, not just me and the DC!

OP posts:
Chottie · 04/06/2017 12:06

Happy birthday, take your DCs out and celebrate. Tell them it's a special lunch for mummy's birthday and share a birthday pudding together.

Buy a bunch of lovely flowers too :)

AnathemaPulsifer · 04/06/2017 12:09

You shouldn't have to tell him, but he's being an arse so you need to spell it out. If you're asked if you mind something and you do mind then just SAY you mind - 'of course I'd mind, doesn't sound like much of a birthday'.

Greenkit · 04/06/2017 12:14

Take the kids up to him and go out and treat yourself. Don't come back till after the kids are in bed..

Happy Birthday Flowers

FlouncingInTheRain · 04/06/2017 12:15

Happy birthday. You have the choice to let it get to you or deal with today being a good one.

What would be a good middle ground with the DC for going out - chips out the bag, icecream and a run along a beach, empty the bread bin and feed the ducks, go out for icecream. Go to the suppermarket buy a big chocolate iced cake and loads of bags of sweets come home and decorate it.

Homemade cards takesome effort (not good enough, but its not nothing). Teach the DC that you have value too and get out and celebrate.

Tonight you could always order in a really nice takeaway open a bottle of something and invite your (D)P to join you. Leave the dishes in the sink until tomorrow.

Next year be a lot clearer in your expectations.

EnglandKeepMyBones · 04/06/2017 12:15

Happy Birthday!

Reply to his text telling him he is being a shit.

marmitecrumpets · 04/06/2017 12:17

Happy birthday!

thelonelyhamster · 04/06/2017 12:20

Happy birthday!!

I'd either be taking the kids out somewhere nice for a walk/lunch/ice-cream and cake and probably not even bothering to tell him we'd gone (after all he's not feeling great, best not to disturb!).

Or, taking the kids up to him, leaving them with him for the rest of the day (you dont mind looking after the kids while I just...) and then go and do something nice just for yourself, or with a friend if you can find someone at short notice!

Original poster
Bearsinmotion · 04/06/2017 12:21

Thanks all. Have had lunch with the DC, now going home for a nice long shower then take myself off shopping and assume DP won't mind Hmm

OP posts:
diddl · 04/06/2017 12:22

Well you obviously do mind, so why didn't you say so?

Yes, the onus shouldn't be on you he should realise that you would mind, but he wanted you to make the decision & it seems that he knew that you would say it was OK?

minionsrule · 04/06/2017 12:22

Happy b'day OP. Tbh he nay genuinely be ill. If he has done something from the dc's he obv isn't a complete arse. I have previously cxld family plans on my own b'day when i wasn't feeling great, we just did something the following weekend

littlemissneela · 04/06/2017 12:22

He is being an arse, but instead of feeling down about his lack of inaction, why not take the kids swimming and then treat you and them to some drinks and cake at a lovely cafe?
Not a birthday one, but Mothers Day. My dh many years ago asked what I would like for mothers day, and I said (LIKE A FOOL) oh nothing! Thats what I got. Nothing. No card, pressie, special treats. I was in tears by the end of the day. I made sure ever since, and he has, that its never happened again! I think you need to have a chat with him and explain how you feel, and find out why he did this.

Happy Birthday, Bearsinmotion Cake Flowers Wine

diddl · 04/06/2017 12:23

"take myself off shopping and assume DP won't mind"

That might depend on if he'll still be left in peace or need to look after the kids!Grin

Nikephorus · 04/06/2017 12:27

Well he should have managed a card at least - anyone can buy that, you can do it online for crying out loud. Present - not necessarily, depends on whether you're present kind of people. And if he's genuinely feeling ill then maybe not doing anything but I would have expected apologies and promises of rescheduling something nice since you did have specific plans.
Happy Birthday though Cake Flowers

innagazing · 04/06/2017 12:31

"take myself off shopping and assume DP won't mind" if I buy myself a great Big Fuck Off Birthday present!
Happy Birthday Bear! Flowers
Your husband doing nothing for your birthday sounds very passive aggressive to me.

innagazing · 04/06/2017 12:32
  • I'd buy' not 'if I'
ragdoll700 · 04/06/2017 12:36

I buy my own birthday gifts as he would just get jewellery and I'm not really into it well not a lot anyway. But I do get a sleep in and dinner cooked for me even if he was feeling crap he'd do that so YANBU.

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