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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be honest that I don't want to date him because he's got a child

55 replies

user1496429410 · 04/06/2017 09:34

I'm not a natural Mother. It took me years to bond with my own child and I'm no longer the resident parent as I just struggled so much. I now see my son every weekend and we have a great relationship.

I could never be a step Mum. I'd be unable to love a child that wasn't biologically mine and I know to put myself in that position would be completely unfair.

I'd be jealous of his ex, annoyed if I was asked to be in the sole care of the child, annoyed when the child came over to stay. It would be unfair. I've seen so many of my friends date and even marry single dads only to really resent their step children.

I met a lovely guy and he is really in to me. He seemed perfect on paper but on our second date he told me he had a 4 year old son.

I didn't show anything but a positive reaction and thought I'd give him a chance.

After the third date I realised I just don't want to date someone with a child.

I have a child myself and have been told by men they were interested at first but don't want to date someone with a child. I always understood even if it is hurtful. Being a lone parent myself, I don't expect anyone to accept my child as I could never be a step mum.

I've been single since I left my sons dad years ago.
So would you be honest about the reason?

I really enjoy his company and would genuinely love to stay friends. We live near each other and have sons the same age.

I'm not sure if that would be something he'd want though.

OP posts:

siblingrevelryagain · 04/06/2017 09:37

I'd be honest with him, and I applaud your honesty and self-awareness.

pipsqueak25 · 04/06/2017 09:39

i expect he'll decide he's not that 'into you' once he knows the truth. but it's better to be honest with each other and move on.

LedaP · 04/06/2017 09:40

Be honest.

Even before i had kids i said i would not date a man with kids. Now i have kods even more so.

Being a step mum or blending a family is not something i want to do. Being single, is the preferable option to dating someone with kids.

I just know i would not make a great step parent.

Mrsglitterfairy · 04/06/2017 09:42

I agree, just be honest. He can only respect you for that. Nothing worse than carrying on with the relationship, getting serious and becoming step mother from hell like mine was!

IAmNotAWitch · 04/06/2017 09:42

I would feel the same.

Nothing wrong with that at all.

What would be wrong is continuing.

Slimthistime · 04/06/2017 09:43

Be honest
I never dated anyone with kids
When I was younger I had friends question that
Now they have kids they understand!

Just tell him. Never sacrifice the vital things in life for a relationship.

broodynmoody · 04/06/2017 09:43

Me honest with him as the previous poster said.
Is he the resident parent? What's his contact arrangement? If he is the non resident parent it may be doable. I was a step mum and I thought I had to love them but i don't. I cared for them, don't put any pressure on yourself.
A friend of mine is seeing someone with children but she doesn't see them as when her DP has them, he has them at his mams.
Id definitely have a think about it.

AyeAmarok · 04/06/2017 09:45

Yes, be honest and step away. If you feel that way, there is no chance of a harmonious relationship with him in future, resentment and bad feeling is inevitable. So it's better to call it a day now before you, he, and your respective DC get even more hurt.

Ethylred · 04/06/2017 09:47

YANBU, step away, you don't have to say why.

Junebugjr · 04/06/2017 09:54

Just be honest with him, and maybe it can turn into a good friendship.

And like the other poster said, you have very good self awareness.
I wouldn't get seriously involved with a man with children, as I've seen too many of my friends having to completely take over contact with their partners children so the men can continue their hobbies/live their life untroubled with the care of children.
Of course this isn't all men, but I've seen enough to put me off.

Slimthistime · 04/06/2017 09:55

PS i also asked before going on a date. How awful to find out on the second date after deciding you like him.

Fairylea · 04/06/2017 10:03

I think you should just cool it off and let it fade quietly. I wouldn't say it was because of his child, I would imagine he will probably realise that anyway.

I was a single mum and when I was dating I also knew I didn't want to date anyone with children. Possibly hypocritical of me but we are free to date who we choose and I didn't want to add another ex / contract thing into the mix etc etc. I met my now dh on plenty of fish 7 years ago. We now have a son together and he is an amazing step dad to dd.

There are lots of people who do want to be step parents and lots who don't. Nothing wrong with being honest with yourself about whatever camp you fit into.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/06/2017 10:05

Is this the same bloke who was cocky so you gave him your number?

JuicyStrawberry · 04/06/2017 10:07

Be honest absolutely!!
It doesn't make you a bad person to not want to be in a relationship with a man because he has children. You are well within your rights to not want that sort of life.

But that means you shouldn't carry on with the relationship. There are plenty more fish in the sea who don't come with baggage

Mermaidinthesea123 · 04/06/2017 10:07

I wouldn't date anyone with a child at home either, I've done all my child rearing and don't want to look after anyone elses now.
Best to be honest as it doesn't sound as if it will work.

LottieandMia · 04/06/2017 10:08

YANBU - you are being very sensible and honest with yourself as well as him.

chickenowner · 04/06/2017 10:08

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with children - I feel the same and it was an important factor for me when I was going internet dating a few years ago.

In my case I felt that I have decided that I don't want children, so I don't want to be a stepmum to someone elses!

TealStar · 04/06/2017 10:09

If I were to find myself single again I would probably be ok to date someone with older kids, but not younger ones. I don't think I'd want to go through all that again with children I have no connection with. I know it probably makes me seem like a child-hating ogre (I'm not) I'm just being realistic.

Op I admire your self-awareness too, and I think it's good that you're being realistic about a situation that will only get more challenging once real life kicks in. But I'd be honest about it. I'm sure he'd appreciate that.

NotHotDogMum · 04/06/2017 10:12

I'd be completely honest with him.

You are obviously very self aware, he deserves the truth and not left speculating why things didn't work.

Epipgab · 04/06/2017 10:19

Yes, be honest. Then he can continue looking for someone who suits him.

Pinkheart5919 · 04/06/2017 10:21

Be honest! It's better to say it how it is than lie and make him think something else was the issue

It's perfectly ok to not want to date someone with children and your obviously very self aware with I think is great

GabsAlot · 04/06/2017 10:31

dfinitly b honest

i thought very carefully if i should carry on seeing my now dh when he first told me had kids

weve had a few things happen along the years but hs never had resiency so not somthing i had to deal with

EeekWhat · 04/06/2017 10:34

It perfectly ok not to want to date someone with a child. I'd be gently honest about it. - I guess he wasn't perfect on paper after all 😩

expatinscotland · 04/06/2017 10:34

What Slime said. When I was childfree and single, I wouldn't date someone with kids and also asked if they asked me out. Not for me. Tell him the truth and look at friendship.

EeekWhat · 04/06/2017 10:36

It perfectly ok not to want to date someone with a child. I'd be gently honest about it. - I guess he wasn't perfect on paper after all 😩

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