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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be honest that I don't want to date him because he's got a child

55 replies

user1496429410 · 04/06/2017 09:34

I'm not a natural Mother. It took me years to bond with my own child and I'm no longer the resident parent as I just struggled so much. I now see my son every weekend and we have a great relationship.

I could never be a step Mum. I'd be unable to love a child that wasn't biologically mine and I know to put myself in that position would be completely unfair.

I'd be jealous of his ex, annoyed if I was asked to be in the sole care of the child, annoyed when the child came over to stay. It would be unfair. I've seen so many of my friends date and even marry single dads only to really resent their step children.

I met a lovely guy and he is really in to me. He seemed perfect on paper but on our second date he told me he had a 4 year old son.

I didn't show anything but a positive reaction and thought I'd give him a chance.

After the third date I realised I just don't want to date someone with a child.

I have a child myself and have been told by men they were interested at first but don't want to date someone with a child. I always understood even if it is hurtful. Being a lone parent myself, I don't expect anyone to accept my child as I could never be a step mum.

I've been single since I left my sons dad years ago.
So would you be honest about the reason?

I really enjoy his company and would genuinely love to stay friends. We live near each other and have sons the same age.

I'm not sure if that would be something he'd want though.

OP posts:

ForalltheSaints · 04/06/2017 10:37

Be honest as soon as possible. Your feelings are not a crime.

cupthejunction · 04/06/2017 10:45

Yadnbu it's best in the long run for you and the child.
I adore kids but being a step parent is much much higher ask than I ever anticipated and I went into my role as a step parent after 2 years with my partner without even introducing myself to his DD just to make extra extra sure I was going to be able to do it.
It's very hard and I have a very good relationship with DSDs mum and Dsd. You'd be wise to step back.

finnthepink · 04/06/2017 10:46

Plenty of men are clear that they don't want to date a woman who has children; I see no reason why a woman shouldn't feel free to say the same about a man.

Like other posters, I applaud your self-awareness.

Just in case you are having any feelings of self-doubt: there is nothing wrong with you. It's ok to not really like kids in general or to want to share your life with them. Even if you are a woman .

cupthejunction · 04/06/2017 10:51

Ps go to the step parenting threads that should be enough to firm up your decision! 😜

montgomerie11 · 04/06/2017 10:53

You're not being unreasonable but generally people say you'll meet someone new no problem is that not true

Saracen · 04/06/2017 10:55

YANBU. You are being very sensible. It would be helpful for him to know the reason for your decision.

HangingRock · 04/06/2017 10:58

I would be honest but i don't think you should try and stay friends with him. It may develop into more which wouldn't be fair on his child.

MorrisZapp · 04/06/2017 10:58

He spent a whole first date with you and didn't mention his kid? That's no man I'd like to be friends with.

Colacolaaddict · 04/06/2017 10:58

Sometimes I think honesty is overrated, but here I think you're absolutely right to step away now and be honest about why. You may lose him as a friend, but I'm afraid that's a risk you'll have to take.

It sounds like it is also the right thing for your son.

HildaOg · 04/06/2017 11:01

Be honest with him. He's not the right person for you.

ClopySow · 04/06/2017 11:10

I feel the same. For me, life is complicated enough with my own children, shared care arrangements. I'd resent having someone elses children when i don't have my own at home. For that reason, i've basically had a no young children rume when it comes to potential partners.

My friend who has two children, was outraged at my attitude...until she started seeing a guy with 2 young children. It did her head in.

SeaCabbage · 04/06/2017 11:15

Whilst I have no wish to be a stepmother, I do wonder what it would be like to date a man who hadn't had children. How could he relate to you and your day to day life if he has no idea what living with children is like?

I always imagine that a childless man would assume children should be seen and not heard and would have no idea about realistic expected behaviour etc.

You would be expecting him to accept your child with no experience of what children can be like.

I also am perplexed about how you didn't know. Doesn't it say on his profile whether or not he has children and also, how do you get through a first date without at least them being mentioned?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 04/06/2017 11:17

The OP is a NRP so I imagine that's less of an issue

Brogadoccio · 04/06/2017 11:19

that is fair enough I think. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Original poster

user1496429410 · 04/06/2017 11:24

We didn't meet online.

I don't ever discuss my son until a few dates in. He took the second date to say anything.

OP posts:

Brogadoccio · 04/06/2017 11:25

I have dc and dated a man with dc for a while and although I saw our time together as breakaway, dc-free time, and I didn't talk about my children, he did so I felt bored. He saw his children and everything to do with them as more complex, more interesting, more important...
It was irritating, and I had kids myself.

Slimthistime · 04/06/2017 12:25

OP so he doesn't know you have DC?

Bloody hell, I'm glad I always asked before bothering with a date.

Ameliablue · 04/06/2017 12:28

Better to be honest now.

happypoobum · 04/06/2017 12:38

I would be honest as otherwise he might be worrying and wondering about what went wrong.

FWIW there is no way I would date anyone with DC either.............

Birdsgottaf1y · 04/06/2017 12:46

My DD really liked a guy that she was dating, but he had two very young children and she knows that she doesn't want children, or spend time with pre-school children, so she ended it.

It's fine for children to be a deal breaker.

Don't stay friends, it won't end well. If you finish,then bump into him and a friendship starts, that's different. If he really likes you, he'll think that you will come round to the idea and then your DS is going to lose a friend. Or it will end when you get a new bf and your DS blames him for it.

MorrisZapp · 04/06/2017 13:02

I just don't understand how you can spend an evening on 'getting to know you' chat and not mention your kid at all. I find both of your behaviour really odd but none of my beeswax I guess.

Waltermittythesequel · 04/06/2017 13:07

I love my dh very much but if we were to split, I wouldn't touch a man with kids with a barge pole!

So YANBU. But I would tell him that kids are deal breaker so everyone knows where they stand.

HildaOg · 04/06/2017 13:16

It's a waste of time not to reveal that you have kids upfront. You're treating it as something to hide. It's a dealbreaker for some people so why go on a dating charade with someone who's never going to be? Always ask whether they have kids, how long they've been single, are they separated/divorced, what they're looking for before meeting up. That way you don't end up dating someone who is not what you want and there are no hurt feelings.

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 04/06/2017 17:43

I have dc and dated a man with dc for a while and although I saw our time together as breakaway, dc-free time, and I didn't talk about my children, he did so I felt bored. He saw his children and everything to do with them as more complex, more interesting, more important...
It was irritating, and I had kids myself.

I find myself in this situation.

Did this bloke have residency?

Trills · 04/06/2017 17:49

You are allowed to choose to not date someone for any reason at all.

It doesn't have to be a "good" reason.

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