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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She's not my mom but, calls herself Nana

117 replies

MomtoOneMarvelousBubba · 03/06/2017 23:39

My Dad recently married the woman he has been seeing since my mom died 10 years ago.
The relationship between me and my dad collapsed after my mom died so I only met his wife 3 or so times over the years before they were married. Like most people i love my mom to bits, i was fotunate as she was a really good mother and I know i wouldnt be the woman I am today without her.

Since the marriage and falling pregnant and then having my LO (shes 4 months), I have made an effort to be inclusive but, still now even though it's been so long every time I see my dads wife I feel so sad it's not my mom stood there and I just can't help it. I should add she's a perfectly nice lady im happy for my dad - losing my mom was a tragedy but, I was in my twenties when this happened so not in need of a stepmother and I will never develop this kind of relationship with her which makes me feel a bit funny that shes just snatched up the title of grandmother so thoughtlessly. I want to bring my daughter up knowing as much as she can of my mom (home vids, pics and funny stories etc) So my question is AIBU to ask her to stop calling herself nana...

Any suggestions on how to go about the convo or, actual experience of this kind of situation. I would be most grateful xx

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 04/06/2017 21:11

Last week we buried my grandpa, my late granny's husband, my dad's stepfather.

He taught me about trees. He taught me to drive. He taught me how to listen to people. He taught me how to be optimistic.

As pps said, children can't have "too many" people to love them. If Nana is the name your mother would have had, choosing an alternative name would be ideal. My grandpa was "Grandpa FirstName" when we were children and just his name when we were adults.

RaspberryPi1 · 04/06/2017 21:33

By your own post she is a perfectly nice lady. You might not need a step mother, but her being a grandmother figure to your kids doesn't take anything away from your mum.

FoxSticks · 04/06/2017 21:38

She can be a grandmother type role without the title though. I had a grandfather who I always called by his first name. It wasn't odd as that's how I'd always known him.

Isadora2007 · 04/06/2017 21:42

While it is very sad you don't have a Mum in your life any more. I can't see how you can make the fact your little one won't have a Nana in her life when there is someone there to be playing that role for her seem
Okay?
If Nana would have been your mums name, then suggest Grandma Pat or Nanny Pat and mention your mum as Nana. Or whatever.

But don't shut this woman out as this role for her could be the door opening up for you to have a relationship with her too.

LiveLongAndProspero · 04/06/2017 21:54

Its not about playing the role, its about taking the name without even asking.
I can't believe people don't understand that.

And btw, you can't start any sentence with basically "your mums dead but......." and not sound really bad.

Isadora2007 · 04/06/2017 22:01

The woman is married to the grandfather. Maybe she has made an assumption but one based on a reasonable premis.
Like if I was married to a man who had a sister who had a baby- I would assume I would be auntie. If he had had another sister who'd died I'd like to think I would have thought to speak to them about it. But maybe I wouldn't, I don't know.

It's just a shame that a child could
Miss out on that role In their life when so many others don't have them at all.

By all means talking about the Nana who is dead is important, but it's sad as well. I know i got into trouble for telling the Priest I didn't like God as he had "taken the fun grandad and left the boring one" as I heard so many tales of what a wonderful man my late grandad was... and my other grandad who was alive was a normal old man who wasn't really
Fussed for a 7 year old! 😂😂

FoxSticks · 04/06/2017 22:03

Completely agree with LiveLong it's unreasonable to allude that the OP is denying her child somehow.

Freckles1978 · 04/06/2017 22:06

My children have step grandparents who they call Nana and Grandad but add their first names in too. It's a different situation though as they have stepgrandparents due to their grandparents divorcing and remarrying.

user1495025590 · 04/06/2017 22:09

The relationship between me and my dad collapsed after my mom died so I only met his wife 3 or so times over the years before they were married
You don't think this lady is trying to take an interest in your DC to try and bring your dad back into the fold?It must be a great sadness to your poor dad to lose his wife and then fall out with his daughter.

FoxSticks · 04/06/2017 22:12

We don't know why the relationship collapsed. I'm sure it was devastating MomtoOne for her mother to die and to also loose that relationship with her Father. There seems to be a real lack of empathy on here.

LiveLongAndProspero · 04/06/2017 22:15

The woman is married to the grandfather. Maybe she has made an assumption but one based on a reasonable premise

It's not a reasonable premise. OP barely knows this woman, who has now assumed a name that she's not entitled to. Grandmother means mothers or fathers mother, it does not mean anyone married to a grandparent.
If people choose to call non related people granny etc, that is fine for them. But you don't take a title like that without consultation, unless you're being a bit twatty.

Madwoman5 · 04/06/2017 22:17

Gran, grandma, granny, nan, nana, nanny, nanna every one can be suffixed by her name without causing offence. If you have a traditional or preferred name for your mum, save it for her when you tell you dh about her.

LiveLongAndProspero · 04/06/2017 22:19

Also, just her name is fine too.

UnicornSparkles1 · 04/06/2017 22:26

My dad's mum died when he was young and my grandad remarried. His new wife was my Nana and I was always aware that she wasn't my dad's mum, even though it all happened long before I was born. On my mum's side I had Grandma. The difference was tangible to me even as a young child, but it gave my Nana a role and an identity of her own.

I hope you can find something that works for you and your family

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/06/2017 22:26

my mum died almost 3yrs ago,i am now a mummy to an almost 10wk baby after 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf

df parents are both dead,so only my dad as 1/4 typical grandparents :(

i would be overjoyed if dad met someone, as its bloody lonely when your partner dies (my husband died 6yrs ago after being together 19yrs so sadly i know how my dad feels,tho i was lucky enough to find love again)

my parents were together almost 50 yrs and then if dad met someone and in a serious relationship/married my baby would have a nanna,granny, grandma etc

a child can never have too many people to love them

on the other hand,df has 3 older children,if they ever had children,i would be hurt if i had no role in their childs life,and not called a term of affection, obv df dd mum would get the choice of how to be first

your relationship faltered with your dad when your mum died,this is not his new wifes fault she hasnt seen a lot of you.its you and your dads fault

you said she was nice,give her a chance and also your dd a chnace to have a nanna/granny/grandma etc

Tylee · 04/06/2017 22:53

Its not about playing the role, its about taking the name without even asking.

This. At no point has OP said she isn't happy for this woman to be a grandparent figure in her child's life. (Which tbh is pretty generous given that she's only bloody met her three times.) She's saying she wishes she hadn't chosen a name that causes her pain without asking first.

For God's sake, my son's biological grandparents all asked very seriously what name we'd like him to call them and would be alright to be X or did the other grandparents want that etc? As it happened it was very straightforward as mine wanted granny and grandad and his wanted grandma and grandpa, but none of them assumed anything and they bloody asked and they bloody raised us!

Everyone agrees it's great that she wants to be involved in this child's life. That's not what's being asked here.

Applesandpears23 · 04/06/2017 23:05

I only had one set of living grand parents when I was a child but my daughter has two. To avoid it being confusing each set has their own names granny/grandad and nanny/gramps. Can you think of a name you are happy with your daughter using? Whatever you call her to your child will become the name she uses when she gets older. My friend calls her step grandmother Aunty Her name under similar circumstances.

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