Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not my mom but, calls herself Nana

117 replies

MomtoOneMarvelousBubba · 03/06/2017 23:39

My Dad recently married the woman he has been seeing since my mom died 10 years ago.
The relationship between me and my dad collapsed after my mom died so I only met his wife 3 or so times over the years before they were married. Like most people i love my mom to bits, i was fotunate as she was a really good mother and I know i wouldnt be the woman I am today without her.

Since the marriage and falling pregnant and then having my LO (shes 4 months), I have made an effort to be inclusive but, still now even though it's been so long every time I see my dads wife I feel so sad it's not my mom stood there and I just can't help it. I should add she's a perfectly nice lady im happy for my dad - losing my mom was a tragedy but, I was in my twenties when this happened so not in need of a stepmother and I will never develop this kind of relationship with her which makes me feel a bit funny that shes just snatched up the title of grandmother so thoughtlessly. I want to bring my daughter up knowing as much as she can of my mom (home vids, pics and funny stories etc) So my question is AIBU to ask her to stop calling herself nana...

Any suggestions on how to go about the convo or, actual experience of this kind of situation. I would be most grateful xx

OP posts:
Yayne · 04/06/2017 07:24

I understand you. But from the child's perspective: my very favourite grandparent was my granddad who was my grandma's second husband. We had the closest relationship, I literally spent all my summer holidays out and about with him and he'd spoil me rotten. I always knew my mum had lost her dad, but because he couldn't be a part of my life it was just something you know kind of like in a story, but without practical relevance. Kids just can't imagine the dead or what they might have meant to their parents.

I think my mum found it hard but fortunately she got on quite well with the second husband.

I'd just see how it develops maybe

JellyBert · 04/06/2017 07:29

My DC have 4 nanas & 4 grandads (both our parents are divorced).
I think that's amazing. There's a whole lot of love to go around. I can understand why you're upset but she can never replace your mum & surely her being a nana to your DC will benefit them if she is a nice woman?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 04/06/2017 07:34

I'm a step-grandma-

Dil and ss asked what we'd like to call ourselves- so we are grandpa and 'my name' - I don't want to stand on anyone's toes, and I can be warm and loving and kind without a title.

I feel for you op.

MetalMidget · 04/06/2017 07:36

I really think her calling herself Nana rather than granny is her trying to be tactful.

It depends where you're from - in a good chunk of the West Midlands, Nana/Nanny/Nan is pretty much always used instead of gran/granny.

My one grandad was my nan's second husband - my biological grandfather passed away when my mom was in her early 20s. We always knew him as granddad [name], and he was a lovely man - my mom had a very close relationship with her mother though.

thethoughtfox · 04/06/2017 07:39

You will never forget your mum and keep her alive for your children in your stories and pictures, and in the blood that runs through you and them. But could you make space in their life for another woman who wants to love them? It doesn't really matter what they call her. She isn't calling herself mum to you. They could really benefit from a grandma like figure. Brining this up is likely to hurt this woman and perhaps take a step back from her relationship with them. Is that what you want?

AnyFarrahFowler · 04/06/2017 08:47

Flowers for you OP.
YANBU at all to use a different name for your DD to refer to your dad's wife.

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2017 09:04

My mother died when I was in my twenties and my father married again.

She was never a stepmother to me but she was a granny to my children.

I think you're being harsh OP.

MyOtherProfile · 04/06/2017 09:14

Just wanted to share our family experience. My dcs granny married again just before they were born. He became known as grandpa. The children understand that he's not dhs dad but he's their grandpa. We don't have a great relationship with him but he's ok. However he does have a good relationship with the dc and they enjoy him being grandpa. To them granny and grandpa come as a pair and they all love each other. I feel our dc benefit from this.

LakieLady · 04/06/2017 09:18

That's exactly what my DSS and his partner have done, Lila. His DM is Nanny, the other gran is Gran and I am Nana + first name.

Mind you, we all get on very well, I have known DSS from birth I have a great relationship with his partner, so it was unlikely to be an issue.

PinkSquash · 04/06/2017 09:27

My nan remarried before I was born and her husband was always known as grandad X to me. He was my grandad as well as my actual grandad (who only met me once).

My DF has a long term partner and to my children, she is Nanny C. My DC have three 'nannys' on my side and one on their paternal side.

They're all known as Nanny .

lorelairoryemily · 04/06/2017 09:27

I had a step grandmother, my granny died ten years before I was born. We all called her by her name, Mary, she wasn't our granny. It wasn't about not including her she just wasn't our granny so she was never referred to in that way. Maybe suggest as pp said that your little one calls her something else

Iloveyouthismuch · 04/06/2017 09:27

I grew up without grandparents. It was rubbish. My mum remarried after my dad died when I was in my 20's. Her husband is called Papa by my children. He is not my step dad but he is a fantastic grandfather. I really wanted them to have that kind of relationship. This has become even more important recently because their other grandad passed away.

justkeepswimmingg · 04/06/2017 10:34

It's completely up to you, and your right, what you want your kid to call family members. Talking to your dad would be a good start, but maybe letting his wife know you are uncomfortable with 'nana' would be a good idea. To avoid upsetting her you could do it when greeting your dad, and his wife, with your DD (let's say wife is called Karen). When greeting say, 'hi grandad, hi Karen'. You've then made a point of saying grandad, but not nana. I think I'd feel the same as your OP, hopefully this can be resolved without conflict.

FindoGask · 04/06/2017 10:44

Momto, my MIL died suddenly just before her first grandchild (my daughter) was born, and my FIL remarried very quickly afterwards. Like within the year. A lot of people were very disapproving but within the family we all supported him because we could see what he was going through; he wasn't trying to forget, he just couldn't be alone. Anyway, I clearly remember my husband having a talk with FIL's new wife about how he didn't feel right about her being called granny. I know she was upset at the time; she didn't tell him that, it sort of filtered through the grapevine - but she did understand. Although FIL has since died she is still in our lives and still close to our two girls; probably closer than my mum, their other granny. Our girls just call her by a shortened version of her name, which actually sounds a bit like a word for granny in another language, and it feels right.

Anyway. It was important to my husband at the time to set that boundary, and it worked out for us.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 04/06/2017 10:50

Can she be auntie? I understand why you don't want her to be called nana but what about auntie? When I was a kid every friend of the family was auntie, whether they were related or not. Might be a nice compromise. Then she gets to feel like family without stepping on any toes.

DimsieMaitland · 04/06/2017 10:53

There's no right answer.
My mother died when DD2 was tiny.
MIL is absent from their lives (lives overseas, minimal contact - hasn't even acknowledged DD1's 18th birthday.)
FIL's wife is not their grandmother by birth, but she's in their lives and DC regard her as their GM (and so do I - she's awesome.)
However I think I'd feel very differently if it was someone married to my DF and therefore in my DM's 'spot' as it were - they certainly wouldn't use the same name that my DM was known by.

If she's a nice person, she's going to be in their lives, she wants to treat them fairly, then consider finding a special name for her.

(My GF was married to someone not my GM before I was born and I always regarded her as my GM too - and her DGD is my favourite cousin even though we are no blood relation at all!)

DangerousBeanz · 04/06/2017 10:53

I can add an extra complexity. I was adopted as a baby. My adopted parents were amazing people and were mum and dad to me and grandma and grandad to my dc. I traced my bio family after they passed away and they are amazing people who want to be in our lives. My eldest calls them and their spouses by their fore names and my youngest calls them Nanny or grandpa first name. This differentiates them from my (a) parents but still allows them to feel part of our family.

My dh parents are granny first name and grandad first name (this was their choice)
Maybe your dad's wife could be nana first name or similar while your lovely mum is always grandma.

Dowser · 04/06/2017 10:53

You might not need a step mum but I'm sure your daughter would love a nana.
I have a grandchild that has no blood relation to me.
He's been in the family 9 years and is 19 now.

It was his idea to call me nana which is lovely. I love it that he calls my son dad ( his own father buggered off when he was born)
Likewise his mother is mum to my son's son .

My second husband is on first name terms with my children. He doesn't want to be dad or grandad . We're all fine with that.

I realise you are grieving for your mum but let this lady be nana to your daughter and your mum be gran.

80sMum · 04/06/2017 10:57

I think YANBU. If my widowed mum remarried, I would not expect her DH to be called granddad/great-granddad, as that title was my father's. I would expect my adult DCs to call him by his first name and my grandchildren to call him "uncle first name".

TheFallenMadonna · 04/06/2017 11:02

I don't think of my mum's husband as my step dad, because we were adults when they met and married. My children call him by his first name, same as I, but he absolutely is their grandfather. He has been there since they were born, and they love each other. That doesn't diminish their relationship with their grandad (my dad) in any way. They have three grandfathers, and that is wonderful. Is it the title or the relationship you object to?

DancingOnTheTable · 04/06/2017 11:03

I don't think it's worth upsetting anyone over so I would just drop hints.
I would send a card and post photos to 'granddad and Jane love from baby'

Send text messages and emails with photos, to granddad and Jane, look how cute I am/look what I can do/look how big I'm getting/etc, love from baby'

Send them frequently, they will subtly get the hint.

TheFallenMadonna · 04/06/2017 11:03

I do see that loss must throw all this into sharper focus too.

Somerville · 04/06/2017 11:05

OP Does your father's wife have her own grandchildren, you call her Nana already? So it's kind of the default in her mind?

If not then I do think it's a bit insensitive of her, knowing there has been a lot of strain between you and your father, to just call herself nana without any discussion.

Nevertheless, I think it's good for children to have as many people in their lives who love them as possible, and I think another name, other than just their first name, can help cement this. My own children call my second husband a different name to 'Dad' (their daddy is their late father and always will be) but that means the same, and call his parents a different variant of grandma/grandpa which wasn't already being used by my parents, or their late paternal grandparents.

I would encourage

Somerville · 04/06/2017 11:07

in which case switch SM to Granny or whatever - I didn't make this bit clear enough...

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/06/2017 11:12

Yanbu

It's entirely up to you and the kids what you call her. I'm sure if you have a word she'll understand.

I never get posters who criticise others regarding grief. It's like they can't see past themselves.

If the OP finds it uncomfortable then she doesn't have to do it.