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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She's not my mom but, calls herself Nana

117 replies

MomtoOneMarvelousBubba · 03/06/2017 23:39

My Dad recently married the woman he has been seeing since my mom died 10 years ago.
The relationship between me and my dad collapsed after my mom died so I only met his wife 3 or so times over the years before they were married. Like most people i love my mom to bits, i was fotunate as she was a really good mother and I know i wouldnt be the woman I am today without her.

Since the marriage and falling pregnant and then having my LO (shes 4 months), I have made an effort to be inclusive but, still now even though it's been so long every time I see my dads wife I feel so sad it's not my mom stood there and I just can't help it. I should add she's a perfectly nice lady im happy for my dad - losing my mom was a tragedy but, I was in my twenties when this happened so not in need of a stepmother and I will never develop this kind of relationship with her which makes me feel a bit funny that shes just snatched up the title of grandmother so thoughtlessly. I want to bring my daughter up knowing as much as she can of my mom (home vids, pics and funny stories etc) So my question is AIBU to ask her to stop calling herself nana...

Any suggestions on how to go about the convo or, actual experience of this kind of situation. I would be most grateful xx

OP posts:
squoosh · 04/06/2017 00:32

Because she barely knows the woman and had only met her a few times? Just a thought...

BeeThirtythree · 04/06/2017 00:32

Maybe she just does not know what to call herself? How do you refer to her, in relation to your DC? What would you like him to call her?

Do you think it does come down to you just wanting your mum, it is your mum who deserves to be with DC and not this lady with whom you share no memories/have no bond? Maybe work on those feelings too, it will always be difficult, as loosing your mum when young means always want to share the milestones with her.

As pp said, gently mention it to your father and hopefully you'll be able to strengthen your relationship with SM

SweetLuck · 04/06/2017 00:32

I think if this woman is pleasant then YABU.

dinosaursandtea · 04/06/2017 00:33

squoosh exactly!

And greatfuckability, stop being so fucking rude.

dinosaursandtea · 04/06/2017 00:37

Also, she isn't OP's stepmother - she arrived on the scene when OP was an adult! I can't imagine calling my dad's gf my stepmother if they ever marry, since she won't be doing any actual parenting.

buckeejit · 04/06/2017 00:38

I'd recommend you go to counselling to work this through-totally understandable that you feel resentful & miss your mum but you said she is a lovely woman & there is an opportunity for her to be lovingly involved in your dc life. That is like golddust & not something you should deprive your dc of until they can make up their own mind about her & if they want her around. You never know you could become close, don't write it off-it's not being disloyal to your mum. I'd love to think if I died there would be someone to take my places for dh & dc. In the first 6
Months odd of dc's lives everything was really magnified for me so I'd urge caution doing something that you might later think was rash x

cookiefiend · 04/06/2017 00:39

I know it must be hard- I can understand, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It is awful that your child will not have your mother, but she can have other living relationships with other living adults. I don't think a child can ever have to much love.

If she is otherwise nice try and embrace it if you can, as long as she doesn't overstep. Our DC are lucky to have four grandmother figures- each with their own role and title. They are extra spoiled and it is wonderful.

LilaBard · 04/06/2017 00:39

YANBU. If you were very close it might be different but it doesn't sound as though you are at all so I think, while it might be well intentioned, she has overstepped the boundaries a bit here.
I was also going to suggest something like Nana/Nanny/Granny and then whatever her name is - my niece has so many grannies and great grannies that this is what my DS&BIL do - but if its the grandmother part that really bothers you then there is nothing wrong with saying so and getting your kids to call her by her first name only.

metspengler · 04/06/2017 00:43

Open your heart to this nice woman who wants a relationship with you all.

Let your children have one more nana than they would otherwise have.

SweetLuck · 04/06/2017 00:43

Eh, how is greatfuckability being rude Confused

Osirus · 04/06/2017 00:43

My DD has four step-grandparents. ALL will be referred to by their real names.

user1494237944 · 04/06/2017 00:48

My mum's parents divorced and remarried so I have 3 sets of gps. Grandma/Grandpa, Nanny(step)/Granddad and Gran and Charles(Step) and me and my db cope fine.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/06/2017 01:02

I have to agree that if my dad remarried (or my mum for that matter) then their spouse would not be called or considered by me Step-whatever. They would be Dads Wife or Mums Husband.

And they would not be nanna or whatever, they would be First Name or possibly a shortening of the first name. Saying that kids cant have too much love is absolutely right, but that doesnt mean that whoever is in their lives gets to take a "title" (for want of a better word) that isnt theirs to take.

It would be the same if her parents had divorced and remarried but I suspect that dads wife wouldnt even try to be nanna if the OPs mum was still with us.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 04/06/2017 02:26

I can understand why you feel this way OP. However, I don't think it's unreasonable for your dad's partner to be called Nana (or whatever).

My dh has parents who divorced and remarried when he was an adult, but before we met. When we had children it didn't occur to us not to call them grandparent type names. When they were little our dc didn't know who was relayed to who?, they just knew there wee lots of adults who loved them very much. So dh's stepmum is Nana, his mother is Grandma and my mum is Gran.

I hope you manage to come to a solution.

squoosh · 04/06/2017 02:32

I'm sure this woman will cope by being called by her name. She is practically a stranger to the OP so why would she be called Nana??

AlmostAJillSandwich · 04/06/2017 02:44

My mum died 7 years ago when i was 20, and i feel a bit odd about the fact my dad is dating again now, more so as he and my mum got together at 15 and had been each others only real relationship and hadn't been with anyone else etc, but also because he almost attempted suicide in his grief at her death. He's made it very clear had me and my sister not been disabled and dependent on him, he wouldn't still be here.

I sadly can't have children, but if i could, i would absolutely never want ANYONE but my mum referred to as their gran/nana etc. It wouldn't mean i wasn't accepting of another woman as dads new partner, just that she wasn't my childs grandparent.

A parent re marrying when you're an adult is very different to it happening when you're a child, they don't play a role in your upbringing so aren't really a "step parent". She has over stepped by assuming that her marriage to your father makes her your childs grandparent/nana, when it is completely up to you as the parent to decide what role she plays in your childs life. For me, she would be known as "grandads wife" not granny/nana etc.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 03:10

MomtoOneMarvelousBubba you are not being unreasonable, she is not your 'step mum' and she can have a great relationship with them without being called Nanny or Nana or whatever. As she has only met the OP three times in ten years I am not sure there is evidence of her being in a position to be a big influence in their lives.

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 03:12

PS Children don't get the right to decide what to call people. The children will follow the adults in this. The adult they should be following is their mum (and dad if he is around).

ShakingAndShocked · 04/06/2017 03:34

Have you ever had proper grief counselling of any description OP? My DM died 4 years so I do understand your loss but I'm wondering that - if you haven't yet processed all - maybe any unaddressed issues are being triggered by your becoming a Mother yourself?

Not sure if explaining myself well, but what I mean is your grief is coming across as still so so raw - is that how it feels to you or have I just 'read it' wrong?

Italiangreyhound · 04/06/2017 03:35

ShakingAndShocked that is a really good point and a really good idea.

BritInUS1 · 04/06/2017 03:43

I think YABU - is there a name that she could be called that would work for you?

My nieces and nephews have Nan, Nanny, Nana, Grandma and Gran Gran (for their great gran)

Everyone has their own title. My step brothers called my Nan an abbreviations of her actual name rather than Nan

Is there a nickname that you would feel comfortable with?

TheClaws · 04/06/2017 03:47

My Mum died when my children were 9 and 10. My Dad remarried a few years later to a wonderful woman and I fully supported him as I was glad for him to have love and companionship in his life. I asked his wife what she'd like the kids to call her - I wanted to be sure they kept the right tone of respect when talking to an adult, and I wanted to respect her as a new member of our family. She picked 'Oma' - good as that isn't what my mother was called. This worked beautifully well for us.

LellyMcKelly · 04/06/2017 04:44

I think it's lovely that she wants to have a grandparent type relationship with your daughter, and nana is perfect at it implies that relationship without it being as formal as granny or grandma. I know it must be hard for you, but your daughter won't have any other grandparents. If the woman is nice, let your daughter enjoy that relationship.

Milktraylover · 04/06/2017 05:14

I married my husband and all the grandchildren were born after. We are a big blended family. They all have a nana, gma etc, they all have 3+ grandads with name inserted.

Now I am a huge part of grandchildrens lives and in reality I am the biggest caregiver to them all after their parents. They are all under 12. I organise all birthday parties, I organise taking them on holidays with DH and I, I take them to clubs, I'm at all school events and all activities, they all have their own room setup and 2 of them practically live here at weekends and school holidays. Just because biologically I'm not related doesn't make me any less their family or vice versa. They are all accounted for in my personal will and I have trusts set up for each of them. Me not DH.

However I am neither nana or gma or grandma. I'm me, MilkMilk, I started that, it's what I wanted to be known as, my sc have asked me on several occasions if I want to change, no im MilkMilk. I always have been and always will be. So much so that DH, dsc, friends and family all refer to me as this. I'm on all school contact forms as MilkMilk (Grandad Trays wife).

Often when out with dc I will introduce myself to adults as MilkMilk and then follow up with "nana" in air qoutes. I shouldn't have to explain my relationship but it comes up often. I hate being referred to as grandads wife except on forms as I feel this devalues me and what I do within the family. But equally I don't need to be "nana" etc. I love my name and the love I feel when the dc say it.

I understand your feelings op and I agree if your not comfortable with her having the "nana" tag then that's fine. That as a parent is your choice. But equally she is desperately trying to be apart of yours and dc life. She is proud of her role and clearly sees herself as "nana". Please don't devalue that. Don't come between that because of a title.

Just explain to her that she is very much a huge part of dc life and will always have that role, but the title is reserved for your mum. Ask her what she would like to be known as, suggest a pet name that dc can use forever. It won't her hurt her feelings and if you explain properly she will understand but if you just go in saying no, your not "nana" it will hurt her so much. She will be more than your fathers wife to your dc and and she clearly feels more than that to. Find a compromise with her and let her know that she is valued.Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2017 05:21

My dad died when I was 16. Mother remarried my stepdad when I was 19. And yes, I was an adult and I considered him my stepdad. But he treated me like a daughter. He died earlier this year and I was very sad. My dd aged 8 called him grandpa. I've spoken to dd about her grandad - my dad. So she knows about him. She also knows about her Tata from France, who would have been his French grandma had she lived. Dd also knows about the animals in my life growing up and a lot about my life. I sometimes have got sad and cried about my lost dad and animals when I've told dd stories. But I've also very much taught her that death is part of life and she is prepared as much as she can be for when I die. These are all gifts I can give to her so that one day she will not be stuck in grief as I was and as you are.

If you are still overwhelmingly sad about seeing your dad with another woman after all this time, your grief hasn't healed. I urge you to go and get some therapy for this. You are living half a life and even though your child is so young, you are already passing some of this grief onto them. They will learn of your pain and take it on board as their own and little children think they are to blame for everything. I know this from personal experience and from my mother's, who had the massive burden of pain from her mother at the death of two children, who should have been my mother's elder siblings and whom she never met.

I also understand that your relationship with your dad was strained after your mother's death. At just turned 16, I felt completely abandoned not only by my narcissistic mother, who never comforted me once after my dad's death but denigrated his memory to me. I was also abandoned by family members on my dad's side and my friends. I was very very alone. I have had a lot of counselling and therapy. It helped a lot.