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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have a word with DD's nutty bf?

64 replies

rockcake · 03/06/2017 21:37

DD 23 has been dating a great guy for nearly 2yrs; they seem very happy and in most respects (I think) he's very protective of her. She has a severe peanut allergy and always has epiipens with her that she's never had to use, partly because she's been super careful since childhood and partly because she's just been lucky, I guess.

Recently they went out when he'd just eaten peanut M&Ms and she told him she couldn't kiss him until he'd cleared his teeth and he laughed in a "come on, that's being a bit precious" kind of way. They also went for fish and chips with some friends and DD asked about the oil, which was groundnut, so she couldn't eat - one of the friends said "can't you just eat the chips?" and "but you've never actually had to use the epipens, right?"

Aibu to think too many people don't take peanut allergies seriously anyway? When DD waited for her prescription before she went on holiday once the GP said "where are you going - Italy? Oh you'll be all right there, the Italians don't eat many peanuts, it's not as if you're going to Thailand,"

DD's not at all a drama queen but she's going travelling with her bf soon and I think he needs to understand that he shouldn't eat peanuts or anything containing peanuts EVER, if there's a chance he'll be around her - which he usually is. Not only that, he needs to make other people aware when they're away, especially as they'll be in his homeland and she doesn't speak the language.

The tiniest piece of peanut could kill her - nothing melodramatic about that - and I think bf needs to get his head around that ASAP!! DD says she's spoken to him but I want to be sure he's 100% on board, knows how to use the epipen and can promise me he'll never eat a fucking peanut ever again.

Aibu to take him aside and read him the riot act talk to him? Or do I trust that he's got the message from DD, butt out and hope for the best?

OP posts:

Picklepickle123 · 03/06/2017 21:38

Read him the riot act. Just in case.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 03/06/2017 21:43

I have no idea, but what a prat! 😨

lemony7 · 03/06/2017 21:45

My friend is this allergic to nuts too. I read somewhere that when a man eats nuts it can get into semen. It's probably bollocks but I made her aware as she is a bit "careless" with men.

Applesandpears23 · 03/06/2017 21:46

Read him the riot act. If you don't and anything happens you will regret it.

Bobbiepin · 03/06/2017 21:48

If your DD is 23 maybe she needs to read him the riot act herself. Be there to support, definitely and make sure he understands but she is an adult and IMO I think you taking the lead on that conversation may be seen as an interefering MIL and undermine the obvious seriousness of the topic. It definitely is a conversation that needs to be had though.

DawnOfTheMombie · 03/06/2017 21:49

Riot act without a doubt.

Preferably with graphic photos/videos for good measure.

Highalert · 03/06/2017 21:52

Your daughter is 23, quite old enough to read him the riot act herself.

BoonDucks · 03/06/2017 21:54

Riot act.
I have opposite problem. DS gf has a nut allergy and carries epi pen. She is terrifyingly casual about it. Doesn't tell people, doesn't ask questions in restaurants and just shrugs it off. Yet he was the one who got her to hospital when she accidentally after a nut and went into anaphylaxis.

BeepBeepMOVE · 03/06/2017 21:57

I would be pretty peeved if my MIL told me I could NEVER eat a peanut again.

Just tell him it's a serious allergy and he has to use mouth wash before he can kiss her. She is an adult though and it's up to her to decide what to eat you can't ask him to manage her allergy.

Has she ever had a reaction?

GP was probably just commenting that she wouldn't find it too difficult to find food to eat.

OnTheRise · 03/06/2017 21:58

That is an awful thing for him to say. He's putting her life in danger. If he has had this explained and doesn't (or won't) understand, this is a huge problem.

Justaboy · 03/06/2017 22:00

Is there no desentising programs available for these allergies as yet?

Original poster

rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:10

Thanks all

lemony that's awful (if true!) will mention though

*beep-beep - she had two reactions as a toddler, last one age 3 which was v severe, hence the epipens. She does take it seriously but I think it's easy to get a false sense of security after so many years of being safe.

OP posts:

Hassled · 03/06/2017 22:10

Assuming your DD won't do it herself, then yes, a stern talking to wouldn't go amiss. Mix in a few Death Stares and you'll make your point :o

Fernanie · 03/06/2017 22:10

Get him to watch some youtube videos of someone going into anaphylactic shock.
I think the huge trend in food intolerances in recent years (yes, I know some people are genuinely tolerant; I also know some are just jumping on the bandwagon) has made many people dismissive of serious food allergies - they just lump them all in together as picky eating and don't realise they can be life threatening. I went to school with a girl who couldn't be in the same room as a peanut - we all had it drummed into us that we couldn't eat Mars bars, peanut butter sandwiches etc in the classroom as it was so dangerous for her. Good on your DD for being so vigilant.

LexieSinclair · 03/06/2017 22:10

Pickle why is he a prat?

Op yes I would spell out to him just how serious this is. And also trust your DD to do the same. Xx

mummytime · 03/06/2017 22:14

Maybe show him (and your DD) this news story Durham student death

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/06/2017 22:14

Wouldn't kill him to steer clear of peanuts when they're together. I don't think at 23 though you should need to intervene but you could tell dd you're worried.

FrancisCrawford · 03/06/2017 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnathemaPulsifer · 03/06/2017 22:19

Allergen in semen rare but possible - I suspect often people can't swear they'll been this careful so it's assumed a different mistake has been made: www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2047288/New-fear-nut-allergy-sufferers-First-case-sexually-transmitted-reaction-recorded.html

Yes, I'd have a polite word (not the riot act) about how it may be hard to take it seriously because it was so long ago but she could have died as a child and could still die now if he doesn't respect her allergy. A common misconception is that the epipen will cure the allergic reaction. In fact it just buys you a bit of time to get help. He needs to understand exactly how to deal with a suspected allergic reaction.

TheFrendo · 03/06/2017 22:19

rockcake,

I appreciate the use of the word 'nutty' in the thread title.

BF needs some stern words, let him know you will hold him responsible for any dietary emergencies.

canteatcustard · 03/06/2017 22:22

My son has many food allergies, and my daughter has one food allergy.
My son has had anaphylaxis a few times, and his girlfriend is pretty aware and careful. My son wouldnt be with a partner that wasnt respectful and open minded enough to understand the life threatening aspect of it.
Two years ago son reacted to a food that he previously was able to eat.
His girlfriends mum gave him his autoinjector as it was a very fast reaction. She didnt hold it long enough on his thigh for the whole shot to get in his system, but enough to keep him going while they rang for help.
I got there a few seconds after the paramedic, and by that point he was unable to speak or respond, on the cusp of going. While the paramedic put oxygen mask on a started to get IV in his arm , I gave him his second auto injector.
We did the usual hospital dash and stay.
Point is they knew enough to do the best they could and now know what exactly to do.
Previously son has had time to give his own auto injector, but this time he didnt.
I really think this is an issue that someone with life threatening allergy needs to talk to their boy/ girl friend about, and consider their response esp if a trip abroad is on the cards.

I have met woman with nut allergy and for them the biggest deal for a boyfriend is the beard! who cares if he brushed his teeth, ate nuts 2 hrs previously but had traces in beard! A hello kiss can lead to an ugly bout of face swelling!

BTW agree groundnut oil is dangerous for those with peanut allergy, however refined peanut oil used in fish and chip shops is heat treated to a very high degree and has no real strands of nut protein. We are more cautious about fish and chip shops if they fry mars and snicker bars in the oil as they contain two of sons rather nasty allergies!

LauderSyme · 03/06/2017 22:24

Definitely talk to him. And show him news stories of tragic cases.

Your DD is a capable adult but he has already demonstrated a cavalier tendency to minimise the risk so a stern lecture won't hurt.

Original poster

rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:25

Problem is I think, unless you've had personal experience of severe allergy, it' can be hard to take seriously.

Think bf just doesn't know enough- although hoping she's made it clear to him now. Thinking of talking to them together - like I did with her friends when she was a teen and first went away

OP posts:

FuzzyPillow · 03/06/2017 22:25

Yes, have a word.

Perhaps show him a video on anaphylaxis and first aid too.

He shouldn't be so bloody selfish re M&M's. Shockingly casual!!

Libitina · 03/06/2017 22:28

I know someone who went in to anaphylaxis from just talking to someone who had eaten a Snickers bar earlier that day. Just the nut traces on the breath of the other person were enough to trigger it.

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