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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have a word with DD's nutty bf?

64 replies

rockcake · 03/06/2017 21:37

DD 23 has been dating a great guy for nearly 2yrs; they seem very happy and in most respects (I think) he's very protective of her. She has a severe peanut allergy and always has epiipens with her that she's never had to use, partly because she's been super careful since childhood and partly because she's just been lucky, I guess.

Recently they went out when he'd just eaten peanut M&Ms and she told him she couldn't kiss him until he'd cleared his teeth and he laughed in a "come on, that's being a bit precious" kind of way. They also went for fish and chips with some friends and DD asked about the oil, which was groundnut, so she couldn't eat - one of the friends said "can't you just eat the chips?" and "but you've never actually had to use the epipens, right?"

Aibu to think too many people don't take peanut allergies seriously anyway? When DD waited for her prescription before she went on holiday once the GP said "where are you going - Italy? Oh you'll be all right there, the Italians don't eat many peanuts, it's not as if you're going to Thailand,"

DD's not at all a drama queen but she's going travelling with her bf soon and I think he needs to understand that he shouldn't eat peanuts or anything containing peanuts EVER, if there's a chance he'll be around her - which he usually is. Not only that, he needs to make other people aware when they're away, especially as they'll be in his homeland and she doesn't speak the language.

The tiniest piece of peanut could kill her - nothing melodramatic about that - and I think bf needs to get his head around that ASAP!! DD says she's spoken to him but I want to be sure he's 100% on board, knows how to use the epipen and can promise me he'll never eat a fucking peanut ever again.

Aibu to take him aside and read him the riot act talk to him? Or do I trust that he's got the message from DD, butt out and hope for the best?

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 03/06/2017 22:29

The thing a lot of people don't understand is that if you have a serious, life-threatening allergy, sometimes epipens are not enough to save your life. Being fit and healthy won't necessarily help save your life. If your allergy is that serious, then your organs can start to shut down IMMEDIATELY and there's precious little the medical world can do about that.

DD1 has multiple severe allergies and was rushed to hospital a number of times as a child. The last time she had an anaphylactic reaction was in the hospital. She was given a muscle relaxant for an asthma attack and it put her into respiratory arrest. She was aware that she was dying. She was on a ventilator for 48 hours and it took a good couple of years to recover from it.

So do have the talk. Make him listen and remind your DD that she needs to be hyper-aware while she is in a country where she doesn't speak the language.

Solasum · 03/06/2017 22:30

I have a severe peanut allergy. I have had various boyfriends over the years, and all of them were perfectly able to understand that they could not eat, or touch, peanuts or anything containing them even if I was not around, because it could kill me. Surprisingly enough, they were happy to abstain.

Your daughter needs to read him the riot act. Mouth wash just wouldn't cut it. I don't think it is your job though.

Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:33

Today 22:14 TestingTestingWonTooFree

Wouldn't kill him to steer clear of peanuts when they're together

see, I think it wouldn't kill him to steer clear of peanuts altogether- they're not an important part of anyone's diet are they?

OP posts:
AnniesShop · 03/06/2017 22:35

I'd talk to daughter too - she obviously wouldn't remember having
and anaphylaxis episode when she was 3 and perhaps a video or
serious chat about the consequences would empower her to get
very bloody furious stern with anyone who risks her life.

My Ex suffers from anaphylaxis and it's bloody scary how
medical professionals are blasé and life threateningly ignorant too.

RoseTico · 03/06/2017 22:35

I would be pretty peeved if my MIL told me I could NEVER eat a peanut again.

If i was told that the person I loved had a severe peanut allergy and could die if they are the tiniest piece, I wouldn't be 'peeved'. I would immediately stop eating peanuts.

It's a very low hassle thing to do to ensure your partner stays alive!

diddl · 03/06/2017 22:36

What does your daughter think about his attitude & has she spoen to him about it?

She doesn't have to be with him!

khajiit13 · 03/06/2017 22:41

When you said she was 23 I was going to stay back off, but actually YANBU. Go for it. I wouldn't hesitate if I were you. I wouldn't do it lightly either.

Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:42

little candle*
Thanks - how awful, your poor DD

solasum
That's what I thought about the mouthwash thing too - she can get uncomfortable and itchy in the same room as someone who ate peanuts hours earlier...... do still think it's my job to talk to him though, in addition to whatever she's said to him.

OP posts:
WarriorsDance · 03/06/2017 22:45

Yes, riot act. He might take it more seriously from you.

BTW, if she hasn't had any kind of reaction for 20 years then it's possible she has grown out of the allergy (yes, it does happen but only in about 20% of cases).

Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:46

diddi
She doesn't have to be with him, no, but they clearly do love each other, which is why I was surprised when she told me about the M&M thing.

OP posts:
CatsAndCandles · 03/06/2017 22:47

Definitely, 100%, without any doubt at all, speak to him.

Yanbu.

Just do it and please spell it out for him.

WarriorsDance · 03/06/2017 22:47

Cross post with @OP

If she itches when in the same room as someone who ate peanuts then definitely still allergic

Shortfatandangry · 03/06/2017 22:48

Quite surprised at all the pp saying she's 23, let her sort it out. As if once your child is an adult you should no longer worry or have an input in her safety. I wouldn't necessarily say riot act, but a wee reminder in his ear will do no harm. Hurt feelings are of little significance, imo, when your child's life is at risk.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/06/2017 22:48

Actually desensitisation is possible, it just doesn't work for everyone and it is quite a commitment as it happens over a long period of time (the length varies according to the allergen). OP ask your dd to talk to her gP about a referral to her nearest large hospital allergy clinic. They can test her to see if she's a suitable candidate for desensitisation, and they can also test to see if she still has the allergy- it is possible for childhood allergies to disappear in adulthood. (I have a similar allergy and carry Epipens, the Allergy clinic were really helpful ) The clinic could talk to her Bf about his own risk of triggering a reaction in her. I don't eat certain foods at all before seeing a friend who has severe allergies for instance- he does need to know that he needs to be extremely careful around her.

Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:51

warriors
That's exactly what I thought- she's much sweeter than me Smile

Want her to get tested again - highly doubt she's grown out of it though, although I live in hope. Her eye closed up on plane last year when someone at other end of cabin ate nuts, despite airline being warned well in advance

OP posts:
user1487175389 · 03/06/2017 22:52

He's not a nice guy he's an arrogant, reckless and controlling Sod. You need to support your daughter to be as assertive as possible, and you need to keep an eye on this bloke. Her life could depend on it.

Confused59 · 03/06/2017 22:52

He needs to take this seriously. I have lost one daughter to anaphylactic shock. Had to sit with another daughter this week as she had a reaction to been given a kiss on the cheek from someone who had eaten a curry that had nut oil. Watching her use her epipen and the shaking and rapid heartbeat after is not pleasant, obviously less painful than the alternative. So please do not mess about by dismissing it as something minor, it can and does kill

Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:54

Sirvixofvix
X post!
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 22:58

Confused59
I'm sorry to hear that....
Thank you

user4
He's not a controlling sod, just needs telling, I think

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 03/06/2017 23:01

Get DD to drag him along to her GP for an appointment regarding her allergy. Some might see it as waste of the GP appointment, but it could save her life.

CatsAndCandles · 03/06/2017 23:08

OP, this is off topic, sorry (not sorry), but I've read about probiotics curing nut allergies.

user1487175389 · 03/06/2017 23:09

Well you know him, but from what you've said he's already been told repeatedly and has continued to push at your dds boundaries. A genuinely nice bloke would respect her serious medical condition and you wouldn't be posting here.

user1487175389 · 03/06/2017 23:17

And it really does sound like you're minimising the seriousness of what he's doing. You might want to ask yourself why that is. For example my parents thought the sun shone out of my abusive ex's arse, regardless of what he said and did, and so did I. He was extremely charming, but scratch the surface and he had little respect for others' personal boundaries.

Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 23:39

Today 23:09 user1487175389

Well you know him, but from what you've said he's already been told repeatedly and has continued to push at your dds boundaries. A genuinely nice bloke would respect her serious medical condition and you wouldn't be posting here.

he hasn't been told repeatedly, - where did I say that?! - and he doesn't push her boundaries, he's just never been made properly aware, until now, because DD's good at policing her allergy and so far been bloody lucky

OP posts:
Original poster
rockcake · 03/06/2017 23:54

Today 23:08 CatsAndCandles

OP, this is off topic, sorry (not sorry), but I've read about probiotics curing nut allergies.

thank you, I'll look into

OP posts:
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