AIBU to have a word with DD's nutty bf?

[rockcake]

DD 23 has been dating a great guy for nearly 2yrs; they seem very happy and in most respects (I think) he's very protective of her. She has a severe peanut allergy and always has epiipens with her that she's never had to use, partly because she's been super careful since childhood and partly because she's just been lucky, I guess.

Recently they went out when he'd just eaten peanut M&Ms and she told him she couldn't kiss him until he'd cleared his teeth and he laughed in a "come on, that's being a bit precious" kind of way. They also went for fish and chips with some friends and DD asked about the oil, which was groundnut, so she couldn't eat - one of the friends said "can't you just eat the chips?" and "but you've never actually had to use the epipens, right?"

Aibu to think too many people don't take peanut allergies seriously anyway? When DD waited for her prescription before she went on holiday once the GP said "where are you going - Italy? Oh you'll be all right there, the Italians don't eat many peanuts, it's not as if you're going to Thailand,"

DD's not at all a drama queen but she's going travelling with her bf soon and I think he needs to understand that he shouldn't eat peanuts or anything containing peanuts EVER, if there's a chance he'll be around her - which he usually is. Not only that, he needs to make other people aware when they're away, especially as they'll be in his homeland and she doesn't speak the language.

The tiniest piece of peanut could kill her - nothing melodramatic about that - and I think bf needs to get his head around that ASAP!! DD says she's spoken to him but I want to be sure he's 100% on board, knows how to use the epipen and can promise me he'll never eat a fucking peanut ever again.

Aibu to take him aside and read him the riot act talk to him? Or do I trust that he's got the message from DD, butt out and hope for the best?

Imo this is one case where you can totally ignore the fear of being a meddling MIL. You were there (I assume), you saw it, you probably have a far better idea of how bad it was than even your dd could.

I'd have no hesitation in giving that talk for a sibling or a friend, let alone a daughter.

I think its up to the daughter, she is after all 23 years old!

Confused59 So sorry for your loss

A friend of a friend of mine passed away because a mate had eaten a Snickers bar and then shared her water bottle with her. Definitely have a word with him rockcake and hammer the point home.

I don't know if it's been mentioned as I have to go out and I've just seen this thread but I wanted to mention that if they're having sex, including oral sex, they also need to be just as careful as with kissing generally. Sorry if tmi, but, I Only know of this as it happened to a friend having a ' lunchtime quickie', they sort of fumbled and didn't properly snog, more knocking and he started giving her oral but he didn't think about the sandwich he'd eaten with peanut butter in. She was ok after thank goodness but please be aware.

Aand that should read 'knecking' not knocking

I'm your opening post he demonstrates awareness of her need for an epipen, but dismisses it because she's never had to use it before I'm his presence. So he understands what it is, and why she has it, but is dismissive of it. I'm not sure what more being 'properly told' is going to add to his understanding, because it doesn't sound like it's his understanding that's the problem. You sound very defensive of him OP.

user148

I'm not at all defensive about him but you're reading this wrong and projecting your own experience onto it. (It wasn't him who made the comment about the epipen and DD says he didn't know about epipens till after the M&M incident, which happened v recently)

Everyone else, thanks so much for your advice, info, web links etc - will check everything out.

DD rtft when she came in late last night and agrees we should all have a conversation when he gets back from France next week

I'm certainly not the only person on this thread to point out that it's his attitude that's the problem here. Lots of other posters are appalled too.

It's not projection, it's a legitimate emotional and intellectual response to what you've chosen to post on a public forum.

I also have a daughter with anaphylaxis and any man who tries to kiss her with a mouthful of the substance that could kill her will get his arse handed to him on a plate instead. Good luck to your dd.

I would give him a pretty stern lecture with cases of brain injuries etc.

Was no one else here a bit of an asshole at 23? I was horribly reckless

Definitely read him the riot act.

I used to be so allergic to prawns that a peck on the cheek from someone who'd eaten a prawn sandwich brought me out in massive hives. I dread to think what a full-on, saliva-swapping snog might have done.

I think you should stress how important it is to him. My friend's son has a severe peanut allergy and I just assumed he could not eat peanuts.
His allergy is so severe that if I had eaten peanuts and then touched him I could cause an anaphylactic shock and if I had not been told I would have had no idea whatsoever.

At 23 your daughter should be old enough to think about whether she wants to continue a relationship with a man who doesn't listen.

She's 23 she's an adult. She needs to be the one to explain.

Not only that, he needs to make other people aware when they're away, especially as they'll be in his homeland and she doesn't speak the language.

She needs to be prepared for this herself, as well as having her boyfriend on board with the issue. She either needs to learn how to explain her allergy and the consequences in that language, or carry a card that has a translation that she can show to people.