AIBU to limit contact with FIL?

[ElleDubloo]

FIL is really nice. He's never done anything or said anything bad to me. He adores my two girls. Problem is, he gives off this "vibe" that makes me very uncomfortable. Just a little too nice, if that makes any sense? When DH and siblings were children, FIL used to be depressed/stressed and worked as a priest and used to hit them and shout at them... possibly bordering on emotional abuse, I don't know... he's completely changed now, and I'm not sure if he's trying to overcompensate with niceness. He comes to visit at least once a week, even though it's a 5-hour round trip on public transport. He's retired so he comes on weekdays, when DH is at work and it's just me and the girls at home. MIL doesn't usually come with him even though she only works part time. Is this strange?

I'm thinking of telling my DH that I don't want FIL spending time alone with the girls, and that in future he should come on weekends instead of weekdays. Would this be unreasonable?

Are you trying to say you think your daughters' grandfather might abuse/molest them? That is a very serious view to hold based on a 'feeling'. What exactly is the problem?

He's not alone with the girls though is he? You're there.

Not unreasonable to ask that he comes at wknds as that works better for you, though.

Have you told your husband you think his DF is a peadophile? Sorry if I'm mistaken, but that is what you mean, isn't it?

Give the guy a break, it sounds like he was shit dad and he's trying to mKe up for it, in a sense, by being a fun and involved DGF.

I think YABU, yes. It's once a week. Would you feel the same way if it was your MIL who acted like this instead of FIL?

I guess the main question, is though, do the girls enjoy his visits? If yes then YADBU.

I don't think this is for real. Catch a grip.

Your 6th sense 'Vibe' is twitching for a reason.
You might consider only letting him visit when your Husband [his son] is home to host him.

I think I might be being unreasonable, but just wanted to see what everyone else thought.

No one's accusing anyone of anything. OP is saying that her radar is twitching. People overstating what the OP has said are seeking to undermine the OP. Elle does FIL spend any time alone with your children, or does he try to?

Sometimes you have to trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, then you feel uncomfortable. It's not unreasonable to ask that he only visit when his son is there.

Also he has an abusive history and is 'over-nice now. Has he addressed his past behaviour? Has he done anything to try and make amends?

For the record, I'm still friendly with FIL and have no intention of offending him. I just don't want to run any risks.

It sounds like you're looking for any reason because you don't enjoy spending time with him but don't want to admit that's the real reason so you need a reason. Since the only thing you can come up with is he's too 'nice', you've decided to let your imagination add a bit of sickness to that.

Yabvvvvvu. Be honest that you don't like him around rather than making disgusting shit up as an excuse for not having someone around. That's despicable.

kitty He's looked after my toddler by himself, for 1-2 hours at a time. But he hasn't had the baby (obviously she goes everywhere with me). As they get older, I'm not sure if I want to continue letting him.

hilda We actually get on fairly well. I get on much better with FIL than with MIL, but I feel safer leaving the girls with MIL than with FIL.

I don't think I'm making up disgusting shit just to get out of spending time with him. When he offers to take DD1 out I actually insist on going with them, nowadays.

Actually I think you should probably trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable just make sure visits are supervised. They're your kids.

Please ignore the goady fuckers on your thread. Don't do anything you're uncomfortable with. It doesn't have to be a head on confrontation. Does FIL come over by arrangement?

I hate all this 'gut instinct' nonsense. Unless he is actually doing something you find creepy, what you are saying is essentially that you are completely imagining a possible risk, but you are going to treat your FIL with extreme caution (not allowing him to ever be alone with his grandchildren). I think this all sounds very odd, and you are potentially going to upset him a great deal.

No-one is being GOADY. People are just wondering why a nice innocent old man is being labelled a perv for NO REASON.

FGS!

As someone who was abused by a close family member, I would urge you to err on the side of caution. Trust your instinct and don't allow him access alone. Make sure when your girls are old enough that you have the talk with them about private areas, what's right and wrong. And above all else, please start a policy of no secrets with them. E.G. We do not keep secrets in this family, secrets are bad.

Just my view, but like I said, as someone who went through CSA, this is how I parent this issue with my DC.

op you say your FIL is 'really nice' but then go on to say he was abusive to your DH - so he is not really 'nice' at all, no matter how he is behaving now. Once an abuser, always an abuser ime - if he couldn't be trusted to treat his own children decently, why oh why should he treat his GC any better?

Trust your instincts - they are not based on 'nothing', they are based on your common sense telling you not to trust this man. So yes, restrict contact and always be there with your DC when he is around.

Blimey.

Grandparents really can't win, can they?

Raven op has already said this man was abusive to his own DC. How does that make him a 'nice innocent old man'?

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable if he was abusive to his own kids. My DP's Mother was abusive to him as a child. Hell will freeze over before she ever sets eyes on our children.

Big surprise. All the usual suspects.

OP you just do whatever you need to do to keep your children safe. That is the only important thing here. Better to be cautious than to be in the awful position of looking back and regretting not going with your instincts.