AIBU to limit contact with FIL?

[ElleDubloo]

FIL is really nice. He's never done anything or said anything bad to me. He adores my two girls. Problem is, he gives off this "vibe" that makes me very uncomfortable. Just a little too nice, if that makes any sense? When DH and siblings were children, FIL used to be depressed/stressed and worked as a priest and used to hit them and shout at them... possibly bordering on emotional abuse, I don't know... he's completely changed now, and I'm not sure if he's trying to overcompensate with niceness. He comes to visit at least once a week, even though it's a 5-hour round trip on public transport. He's retired so he comes on weekdays, when DH is at work and it's just me and the girls at home. MIL doesn't usually come with him even though she only works part time. Is this strange?

I'm thinking of telling my DH that I don't want FIL spending time alone with the girls, and that in future he should come on weekends instead of weekdays. Would this be unreasonable?

does he respect your DD's No, I dont want to hug?? Or does he force hugs on her ?

I'd get your DH to ask him to come at weekends. I wouldn't say anything about him not spending time with the children on his own, just orchestrate it so that it never happens.

If someone was forcing cuddles on to my DD when she didn't like it I would say something as it happened. Not confrontationally, just 'Could you not, she doesn't really like cuddles'.

I'd find it on the odd side if my FIL wanted to come round weekly when DH wasn't here.

Does he just turn up? Or is it organised visits? Seems a long way to travel without confirming someone is home, so next time he asks if you are home say no. Tell him you are at baby groups / having play dates etc..... just make yourself unavailable but suggest the weekend as an alternative.

That doesn't sound silly at all, OP. Cuddling your DD when she doesn't like being cuddled, coupled with mostly visiting when DH isn't there (if this is correct) would get my alarm bells ringing too.

"We are teaching dd to be able to say no if she doesn't want a cuddle- could you help by listening to her when she says no"

This is something a lot of people of both sexes and all ages need to be reminded about.

Maybe he does other things at the weekends, or it's cheaper to travel or something?

Maybe he feels he's not intruding on family time if he comes on weekdays?

I'd feel the same OP.

Your kids' safety is more important than maybe being wrong about a guy.

I think limiting his visits to weekends only is a good step, if he oversteps that boundary, or tries to, then further measures should be put in place.

And don't give him alone time with either DC, I'd say the same about any adult you don't wholly trust, for whatever reason you don't trust them.

Is your DD making it obvious she doesn't want him to cuddle her? How does he react when she says she doesn't want a cuddle?

I don't think that you should ignore your instincts. The fact is, he was abusive in the past and he was duplicitous (nice priest/beat kids behind closed doors) - that's more than enough reason not to let him have sole care of your children. He can see them at weekends when he can visit you as a family.

There's a very large bunch of woman who were molested that wish their moms had listened to that funny feeling so please do. Don't let him be alone with them ever ever.

My sons won't cuddle people and I REFUSE to make them. Me and DH have argued but he has grudgingly agreed to follow my lead. Instead we do high 5s or fist bumps! I'm quite forceful if relatives try and hug, stating that they will do one of the alternatives instead.
Follow your gut OP

There's a very large bunch of men who wish that too, sexual abuse is perpetrated against both sexes.

@OP - odd that he seems almost at pains to come when DP isn't there. If you smell a rat tell him to change the day he comes around. Organise to do something else if it will avoid having no explanation, but I'd only see him when DP is there.

Abusive parents are sometimes keen to worm their way into their victims' families in ways that are NOT NICE. If you sense insincerity it could be that - listen to your instjncts. See him when DP is there and cut the other visits.