AIBU to limit contact with FIL?

[ElleDubloo]

FIL is really nice. He's never done anything or said anything bad to me. He adores my two girls. Problem is, he gives off this "vibe" that makes me very uncomfortable. Just a little too nice, if that makes any sense? When DH and siblings were children, FIL used to be depressed/stressed and worked as a priest and used to hit them and shout at them... possibly bordering on emotional abuse, I don't know... he's completely changed now, and I'm not sure if he's trying to overcompensate with niceness. He comes to visit at least once a week, even though it's a 5-hour round trip on public transport. He's retired so he comes on weekdays, when DH is at work and it's just me and the girls at home. MIL doesn't usually come with him even though she only works part time. Is this strange?

I'm thinking of telling my DH that I don't want FIL spending time alone with the girls, and that in future he should come on weekends instead of weekdays. Would this be unreasonable?

"I'm thinking of telling my DH that I don't want FIL spending time alone with the girls"

And when he asks why?

"in future he should come on weekends instead of weekdays."

This suggests that you are scared of him if you need DH around as well.

If he thinks that you get on with him & he & the GDs like to see each other then there's no reason why he shouldn't come alone.

That said, 5hrs is a big chunk of the day spent travelling & I would think that a lot of people would wait & do that journey with their OH.

Could you limit the weekdays to when they come together-assuming that MIL's working hrs make that possible?

He worked as a priest??

I always assumed only catholic priests were referred to as priests!

Does he never see your dh then, if dh is always working?!

So many times on mn people are told to trust their gut. How odd that this thread is quite the opposite.
Your dc, your house, your choice.

If something is offish then unless you have a background of thinking lots of things are offish then I would trust that.

Erm, I may have missed this but I haven't seen op refer to FIL as a paedophile/potential paedophile at all.

All she has said is that he may have been abusive when her dh was a child and that she feels uncomfortable. It's other posters who are putting 2 and 2 together and getting 156.

Op, trust your gut. If you're not comfortable then you need to listen to it - whether there is a reason for it or not. No harm ever came from being over cautious - it's not like you need to tell him why you want dh around at the same time.

I would trust your gut and go with him when he takes the children out. It sounds like you aren't so much worried about molestation, but that he might flip and go back to his previously behavior of shouting and slapping children. That is a reasonable concern. If you are with him (especially when the children hit the trying 2 through 4 year old mark) there is less chance of him being frustrated and exasperated and reverting to previous behavior.

I have a temper and quite often have to force myself to act super nice (because I know my anger is disproportionate) to avoid turning into a hellbeast on steroids. So I can understand where you get that vibe from.

Thanks everyone for your replies, even those who don't agree with me. I did have a feeling I might be unfair on FIL, so it's good to know that some people would do the same as me in my position.

It's true, he's never done anything wrong. I find it odd that he wants to visit a woman and two girls so often while his son is away. I also have trouble with some very subtle things, nothing I can put into words without sounding silly.

I will ask him to come on weekends in future, and make sure he's not alone with the girls, but I'll continue being friendly to him.

I find it odd that he wants to visit a woman and two girls so often while his son is away.

This very much sounds like an issue you have, OP. Grandparents wanting to see their grandchildren aren't people visiting 'a woman and two girls'. He loves them, of course he wants to see them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to trust your gut.

My MIL was an alcoholic and a truly shit mother who abused her children. She's stopped drinking now and all the local kids love her. I'd never leave DS with her without at least my SIL there though. She's been capable of terrible things in the past and it's unreasonable to turn around now and expect to be trusted.

ohfourfoxache

I don't think so. Read the latest post. I think the inference is obvious.

Another perspective? My DH was a decent father to my DS's, but not overly involved with them. He worked away from home, only returning late on a Friday evening, and although he wanted some involvement with his sons, he never really had it.

We now have grandchildren and he is besotted with them! Quite a shock to me, but he would walk over burning coals for them. He has, on occasion, visited DiL and grandson on his own, mainly under the guise of doing some essential diy, whilst I have been tied up elsewhere.

I tell this tale only to show that it is possible that he is simply enjoying his grandchildren and is a totally innocent, happy and involved grandad.

But yes, also listen to your gut.

Op, can you clarify what you mean by working as a priest?

Walter - he worked as a priest

presumably not a catholic one, which is what I asked in my first post?

Water what do you want OP to clarify? A direct question would be better.

OP, could you try to articulate the subtle things? But yes, always trust your instincts.

You don't need a reason to prefer him to visit on weekends. Does he ever visit when DH is there?

You can't work as a priest mess you are, erm, a priest! You have to be ordained etc!!

I'm Scottish episcopal. We call our priests priests. And they can be married etc.

Yeah he was/is an ordained priest, not catholic, in another country.

cheesy I'd never heard of anyone "working" as a priest, which is why I was confused.

Not sure why OP and others (other, really) felt the need to be arsey about it but there we go!

Walter - sorry for sounding arsey. I simply meant that he used to be very stressed/depressed, due to his work, which was as a priest, which was stressful.

Thanks Elle

My dad is also a better grandad than he was a dad. More time and patience now he's retired and able to sleep through the night.

I don't know that you need to specifically say he can only come on weekends, instead why don't you say "sorry George, we're busy on Wednesday, why don't you come on Saturday instead?"?

It was reasonable to ask about the priest thing - priests are usually catholic and celibate, which raises a question as to how the OP's husband came about!

To those who are wondering what exactly I'm implying about it, whether I think he's a paedophile - well, I don't know. TBH he's probably 95% likely to be just a nice guy. He's just so odd and awkward that I don't know what he could get up to with the remaining 5% that I feel uncomfortable. So maybe paedophile, maybe something else.

Chloe - the subtle things are going to sound a little silly. He's very cuddly with DD1, who doesn't like being cuddled. He does hug adults too, but in an awkward way, like he's not sure when it's appropriate. His relationship with the rest of his family is terrible, they don't talk. I guess just that, really.