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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP to come home?

52 replies

fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 07:16

I'm 38+2 in low risk pregnancy but understandably a little fed up and have been a bit tired and tearful this week. DP got invited out tonight for after work drinks by some former work friends he's not seen for a while. He went out for drinks with other friends on Wednesday too but I had plans so wasn't really a big deal.

I've asked if he can forego tonight to come home and spend time with me as other 2 DC are away with GP and he agreed that was fine but now I feel really guilty as he's tired and has left for work very grumpy - part of me thinks it might be better to just say 'don't bother' and for him to go out tonight but equally I feel like we have limited opportunity to have time together coming up.

What should I do? Knowing how hormonal I am at the moment I know if I say to go out and he does then I'm likely to be upset later on if I'm feeling rubbish again.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 02/06/2017 07:20

I would tell him go personally. They're old friends he doesn't see very often and I guess when the baby comes there's going to be even less chance of him seeing them. You're allowed to be upset and tearful but I would let him enjoy his evening with his friends.

Ps) I'm biased though because I love it when DH goes out and I get the house all to myself Smile

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with little one's arrival Flowers

AliTheMinx · 02/06/2017 07:24

Could you maybe ask him to go for a little while and then come home to be with you? X

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 02/06/2017 07:25

TBH with you, it's a bit emotionally abusive to be doing the dying swan act and the deep sighs and the 'oh well, go if you must' style conversations.

If you went into labour is he (a) within a reasonable commute (b) likely to be so hammered he's useless or does a few drinks mean just a few drinks? those would be my pressing questions.

He obviously wants to touch base with old colleagues he hasn't seen for a while. The smell of burning martyr isn't a pleasant one, or they would have made a fragrance of aftershave in it by now.

Original poster
fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 07:30

StillDrivingMeBonkers

Not really sure what your post means to be honest re emotionally abusive/dying swan/burning martyr references?!

He said earlier in the week he'd had an invite and was unsure what to do so I said I'd prefer he came home and he was fine with it. He's almost a 2hr commute door to door via train/tube and so even on Wednesday staying out for a few drinks meant it was gone 11pm by the time he got home. He won't be hammered drunk but won't be good to drive in an emergency.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 07:32

I think there is nothing wrong with asking your partner to keep you company for an evening in the later stages of pregnancy. I asked my partner to stop going for drinks after 37 weeks so he would be able to drive and, yes, so I wouldn't be on my own if I went into labour. By that point I had (apart from the odd glass) been teetotal for nearly 8 months. He had to do it for 3 weeks. Big deal. It is his job to offer you the emotional support you need. Ignore some of the comments on this thread - aggressive martyrdom by proxy seems to be a MN specialty at the moment.

Original poster
fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 07:32

AliTheMinx because of the commute etc. it's not really possible as trains get later and slower so it is more of an 'all or nothing' type thing

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 07:33

He cant win can he?

If he stays in you will be anxious and guilty.
If he goes out you will be moody.

You have to change how your feeling because you will not be happy no matter what he does.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 02/06/2017 07:33

You're passive aggressive with the go out/don't go out/I feel guilty/ask him to come home/I'll be upset later.

Amanduh · 02/06/2017 07:37

Yanbu to be emotional and hormonal and ya being a bit u to tell him he can't go out, although YADBU to tell him he can 'just go' with much sighing and resignation but then be upset about it later!

caffeinestream · 02/06/2017 07:42

Either tell him to go and be happy about it, or accept that he's happy to stay in (hence his initial hesitation) and be happy with it.

But don't say he can go, then moan about it when he does exactly that.

Lottie991 · 02/06/2017 07:42

Agree with trifleorbust, yanbu

missadasmith · 02/06/2017 07:42

i would let him go out. Just enjoy the peace and quiet at home.

jojo2916 · 02/06/2017 07:43

Yabu he will end up resenting you

Original poster
fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 07:43

Not really - as things stand he's fine to come home (he's not exactly hard done by or on a leash hence Wednesday) so I'm just saying I'm feeling bad about it as at the moment I feel okay. A day with two small children might change that and yes, it would BU of me to say at 4pm 'you have to come home'!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 02/06/2017 07:45

Hang on, he's the one who's being grumpy! She didn't insist, she expressed her preference when asked. She wants his company, to have him closer to home at a time when their baby is due.

If he's tired, maybe he needs a night in anyway!

MN can be a bit weird about women being stoic in all situations, and being needy if they ask for anything. Smell of burning martyr, my arse!

SummerKelly · 02/06/2017 07:46

YANBU particularly as you have the chance to spend some time just with him alone tonight (presuming kids are only with GPs tonight and not longer over the weekend) and that's not going to happen over the next few months. He can live with not going out.

shockthemonkey · 02/06/2017 07:46

If I remember What to Expect When You're Expecting, it said to "keep your call full of petrol and your partner empty of alcohol" from 38 weeks.

He'd kick himself if you began labour while he was out, and he can surely catch up with his mates some other time.

Bonkers, you're living up to your name

Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 07:48

picklemepopcorn

Exactly. How dare a woman need anything. It was her choice and blah blah blah.

RJnomore1 · 02/06/2017 07:50

If you need support from your partner you are most definitely not unreasonable to ask for it and not should you feel guilty.

That stands at any time but even more so when heavily pregnant.

sleepingdragons · 02/06/2017 07:52

You could go into labour at any minute.

For me it's the drinking that's the main issue - he needs to be available to support you.

My DP - very much a drinker - stopped drinking from about 38 weeks until the baby was born.

The distance is also an issue - he could potentially miss the birth.

As I'm too soft I'd be tempted to gamble it'll be OK and let this one go - say yes go if you can manage to not drink -and then make it clear that from now on he needs to not go out in the evening miles from home, till the baby is born as you need him there.

Original poster
fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 07:54

Okay thanks - I'm going to leave plans as they stand. He just happened to be grumpy this morning which made me feel bad and also wondering why I wanted him close by

He works hard and has a long commute so trying to be thoughtful really but like a PP said he'll kick himself if I do need him and he's out for drinks a few hours away.

By his own admission he said if 'John's' wife was pregnant at any point there would be no night out at all so he said they'd understand maybe John's wife is bonkers too

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 07:55

It doesnt say he is grumpy because she has asked him to stay in. It says he was fine about it but has woke up this morning tired and grumpy. OP has not asked him why he is grumpy she is assuming its because he is staying in. Thats her projecting because she feels anxious and guilty.

He has done as the OP asked yet ut is still not good enough. As I said he cant win.

Original poster
fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 08:01

No you're wrong FlossyMooToo - I've not said he's grumpy because he's staying in or that I'm projecting my feelings - he's grumpy because he's tired from working long days in a stressful job with a long commute and we're expecting DC3 and also trying to buy a house! So maybe a drink after work would be nice but it won't solve the issues above anyway... relationships aren't about winning and losing Hmm

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 08:04

Really, OP, I think you have tapped into a node of seriously unusual thinking today. I don't know anyone in RL who thinks it is dreadful for a woman to want her partner around and sober when she is basically full term and especially when she has other children to look after.

Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 08:09

Sorry, they have other children to look after.