Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DP to come home?

52 replies

fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 07:16

I'm 38+2 in low risk pregnancy but understandably a little fed up and have been a bit tired and tearful this week. DP got invited out tonight for after work drinks by some former work friends he's not seen for a while. He went out for drinks with other friends on Wednesday too but I had plans so wasn't really a big deal.

I've asked if he can forego tonight to come home and spend time with me as other 2 DC are away with GP and he agreed that was fine but now I feel really guilty as he's tired and has left for work very grumpy - part of me thinks it might be better to just say 'don't bother' and for him to go out tonight but equally I feel like we have limited opportunity to have time together coming up.

What should I do? Knowing how hormonal I am at the moment I know if I say to go out and he does then I'm likely to be upset later on if I'm feeling rubbish again.

OP posts:
theaveragewife · 02/06/2017 08:15

YADNBU it might be your last chance to spend some quiet time together for a while!

It is ok to need your husband when you are feeling vulnerable, and as you are carrying his child and about to go through labour etc etc he should be there for you - which it sounds like he is!

What is it with some people on mn who think women should just shut up and put their own feelings in a box, for their own vulnerability should be a priority further down the list than a man going to the pub/doing anything. Nope.

BluePeppers · 02/06/2017 08:22

Tbh if he is tired and grumpy, going out would probably not be the right thing to do for him.

Inthink you are making things harder than they are.
If you think that actually he might feel better for going out with friends, jsutbask him. Tell him that he looks tired and stressed out, would going out be a better option for him?

He knows younwoild really enjoy his company. You've been thoughtful about his needs too. Surely, in a balanced relationship, thatnshuod be enough to find the right thing to do tonight?

theaveragewife · 02/06/2017 08:39

But isn't almost 9 months pregnant a time that perhaps the balance should be tipped in favour of the op? Shouldn't it matter more how she feels right now, rather than him?

Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 08:42

theaveragewife

What? Aren't you forgetting that pregnant women and new mums aren't special snowflakes? They can and must shift for themselves and not expect special treatment!

Wink
FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 08:51

I have not said the OP is wrong to want him at home!

But she cannot be anxious and guilty if he stays in and moody if he goes out. How is that fair?

He has agreed to stay in no problem no fuss but still the OP is unhappy.

Oh sorry I forgot she is pregnant so totally allowed to act childish and unreasonable
Hmm

Neutrogena · 02/06/2017 08:56

Let him go it with your blessing.
If he doesn't want to be in with you, it's hardly going to be a great night in...

He'll have plenty of time around you when the baby is born. Enjoy the peace and silence.

Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 08:56

FlossyMooToo

Actually yes, she is allowed to feel what she feels. She isn't saying she wants to feel unhappy either way. But it is natural to feel conflicted when you know you are expressing a preference that collides with the stated preference of someone else. That isn't childish.

theaveragewife · 02/06/2017 08:59

Mmmm Flossy or you could have a look at the reasons why she might feel like that?

moody husband = guilty feelings
absent husband = sadness and worry over labour and drunk non existent birth partner

Just maybe her feelings are reactionary rather than manipulative.

Sunshinegirls · 02/06/2017 09:00

Let him do what he likes! It's his life and you shouldn't start telling him how to spend his time. Slippery slope to resentment. However, he shouldn't need asking. If he was worth his salt he would have stopped drinking alcohol by this stage in the pregnancy so he is ready for labour.

FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 09:02

Actually it is Trifle she want this but feels bad but wants not to blah blah blah.

It is childish to expect another adult to manage your emotions. She does not want him to go and he isnt. End of but instead of that it is apparently up to him to manage her feelings even though he has done what she wanted with no fuss or issue.

He really cant win.
Pregnancy should not be a free pass to act like this. I hate the "oh but your pregnant everyone must bow down to your every whim" it is entitled behaviour.

Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 09:08

FlossyMooToo

Oh stop it. Of course it is normal to feel like this. She wants him to put her first, she doesn't want to have to insist on her 'own way' because it makes her feel unreasonable even though she isn't being unreasonable at all. You are being unnecessarily harsh.

DianneDionne · 02/06/2017 09:15

YABU a bit - although you could probably be excused because you're pregnant. You're kind of expecting him to work around your feelings which would be ok except even you are not sure about what those feelings will be. So whatever happens, he can't really 'win'.

I'd be ok with him going but I'd definitely not be ok with him drinking - not at this late stage, and would he actually want to be drunk?

ShoesHaveSouls · 02/06/2017 09:26

Yanbu - we had the 'capable of driving' (ie no drunken nights out) rule from about 37 weeks too.

Your DH acknowledges there would be no night out if it was 'John's wife' so he must realise you're not precious.

MN can weird sometimes - I think you've had some harsh responses here.

FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 09:27

FlossyMooToo

Oh stop it.

Who do you think you are Trifle? You boss posters about all over mn. Stop it.

She has not insisted on her own way. She asked him once to stay in. He agreed no fuss. Where is the insisting?

He is not a mind reader but because OP is pregnant he suddenly should be. Why?

I could understand if he had argued about it then sulked at her but he hasnt. He agreed yet OP is still not happy. Thats why her behaviour is childish.

ShoesHaveSouls · 02/06/2017 09:28

*not being precious.

Of course you are precious!

TheNaze73 · 02/06/2017 09:30

I think you're being a bit unreasonable

sadie9 · 02/06/2017 09:33

I would let him go out but say he cannot drink alcohol.
Unless there is a back up plan to get you to hospital. If you are on a 3rd baby there is a good chance this one will be along a bit more promptly than the last 2 were.
On the other hand it is a good opportunity for your DH to meet his former work colleagues, especially if he gets on with them, and if this opportunity for meet ups are rare.

If it were me I'd say to DH, great, go on out but don't drink and keep your phone out where you can hear/see it.

Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 09:37

FlossyMooToo

If you think I am breaking talk guidelines, report my comment. You are, in my view, completely wrong to assert that the OP is behaving like a child. I will say that if I want to.

PurpleMinionMummy · 02/06/2017 09:39

Wow. The uber cool with anything 'wives' are out in force today.

FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 09:44

And I will say you are wrong if I want to. Difference is I am not telling you you cannot have or voice your opinion unlike you.

You always want everyone to agree with you and when they dont you become bossy.

At what point did I even suggest you were breaking talk guidlines? You are a bit odd Trifle.

I dont buy in to the pregnant women is always right mantra. Pregnancy is not a disability. OP has the outcome she asked for so why is is still up to the DH to manage her feelings?

Trifleorbust · 02/06/2017 09:47

FlossyMooToo

"Stop it." Your words. It seems you think you have a right to silence people who disagree with you.

From my point of view, unless you think my comments break talk guidelines (in which case they will be deleted) you have nothing to complain about.

Anyway, we are clearly derailing so I suggest we stop it.

FlossyMooToo · 02/06/2017 09:52

"Stop it." Your words. It seems you think you have a right to silence people who disagree with you.

I was parroting you Trifle but you do have a tendancy to miss the obvious.

There you go with the talk guidlines again....what is your problem?
As for derailing the thread I tend to find you do that on every thread you are on.

WomblingThree · 02/06/2017 10:11

If he's tired and grumpy now, it's only going to get worse when the baby comes. I wouldn't particularly care about the night out, but I would be telling him to sort his attitude out PDQ. Last thing you need with a newborn is a miserable git stropping around.

Emboo19 · 02/06/2017 10:42

You're definitely not being unreasonable op! Not sure what others are reading, but he asked what you thought and you told him the truth, you'd like him to stay in with you. He's a grown up so presumably can then make his own decision, which he has to stay in with his 38 week pregnant wife.

Me and my bf don't lie to each other, if he asks if I'm ok with something I won't say yes if I'm not! Don't get me wrong he ultimately makes his own decisions about what he does where he goes as do I, but if he asked like the op's dh, I'd have told him how I felt and I doubt very much he'd have still gone out.

Just enjoy a dc free night with your dh, Op. Get a takeaway or some nice nibbles, relax and put a film on and have a snuggle (or whatever else you feel up to!)

Original poster
fridayfeelings · 02/06/2017 12:09

Bloody hell, it's gone nuts here!

WomblingThree that's incredibly harsh, at what point did I insinuate he was a miserable git with a bad attitude?! I think he's okay to be tired and a bit grumpy on a Friday morning at 6am given my previous post about how much he has on.

OP posts: