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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is stupidly overprotective of DSD??

56 replies

K1092902 · 01/06/2017 14:10

I am aware I'm not her biological parent but she has lived with us FT for 4 years and we do have a very close relationship and is a wonderful big sister to DD who is 3.

DSD is 18 and at college just about to start A Levels. She is going to university locally in Sept as we can't really afford to pay for her to live away. My parents very generously offered to buy a flat in London on the basis she paid rent with 2 other friends who also wanted to go and have been accepted into her 1st choice university. DH said no because he is terrified of her living so far away with the "state of the world" at the moment.

I will now add that DH lived in London when 7/7 occurred- he was with his ex wife at the time who is DSDs biological mother. His best friend was killed during the attack which did cause DH to have a breakdown and led to his divorce with ex who has since passed away.

DH is incredibly overprotective of both girls- but I think it's extreme with DSD considering she is 18 and now an adult. It took a hell of a lot of arm twisting on my part to let her learn to drive even.

Things have come to a head this morning. DSDs friend has brought tickets for this charity concert in Manchester on Sunday. DH has said she isn't going. DSD is fuming and I'm caught in the middle.

I do fully understand that DH has suffered a severe mental trauma but he also needs to realise DSD is growing up-and I don't want to go through this all again when DD is growing up

AIBU

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 01/06/2017 14:14

Overprotective yes, but understandable given the circumstances.

Has your DH ever had counselling?

Softkitty2 · 01/06/2017 14:15

She is an adult so she can do as she pleases.
If we all live in fear of what ifs then we have let the evil doers win.
Speak to your husband and explain that you understand his anxiety but it is no way to live.

iamavodkadrinker · 01/06/2017 14:16

Why does he think he has any say in where she goes?

She's 18 years old - she doesn't need his permission.

Clawdy · 01/06/2017 14:17

Difficult one. He sounds a bit over-protective, but not "stupidly" so. As your DSD gets older, she will do her own thing, anyway, especially when she goes to uni. He will eventually realize it's out of his hands, I suspect.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/06/2017 14:18

She isn't just growing up she's an adult. He needs to learn to let go or he'll push her away and drive her nuts

peachgreen · 01/06/2017 14:18

Your poor DH, how awful. I agree with @19lottie82, it sounds like he would benefit from some counselling. Unfortunately with that kind of trauma it's not as easy as just rationalising something - it will be a lot for your DH to unpick and learn how to deal with. I feel very sorry for him as he must live with a great deal of anxiety every day.

Of course you're right, DSD needs to be free to live her life, but it won't be easy for your DH and he will need support and understanding from you all to start loosening the reigns, little by little.

TheweewitchRoz · 01/06/2017 14:19

Given his experiences, I think his attitude is understandable however he will need to let go as it's unfair on your DSD that he puts his fears onto her. It sounds like he needs counselling to deal with his past traumas.

Blisss · 01/06/2017 14:19

As much as we'd like to we can't wrap our children in cotton wool all their lives.

Is that the benefit concert Ariana Grande is putting together in aid of those injured or families who lost a loved one during the bombing the other week? Because if that's the case I'd personally feel on edge aswell and I wouldn't want anyone I know to go out of fear. And given your DH past trauma I can understand why he wouldn't want her to go

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 01/06/2017 14:20

Your DH needs to acknowledge that these are his issues and that he is not reacting rationally or being fair to DSD. It is (as a PP said) completely understandable that he has very strong reactions to things like the Manchester concert and that he is very protective of his DD. However, these are huge overreactions and he risks driving her away if he doesn't get better control over it.

FWIW I lost a close family member on 7/7. My mental health has been ok but several of my immediate family have really struggled so I do know how awful it is.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 01/06/2017 14:22

I think it's really between them. You can try to reassure him and help her understand that he means well but ultimately it's for them to sort out. He's not be ridiculous. After what he's been through it's totally understandable.

ElspethFlashman · 01/06/2017 14:23

Tbh I wouldn't buy an 18 year old a flat to begin with. Totally unnecessary. Scrap that idea.

I also think that given your DHs past trauma, not letting her go to this concert is fairly understandable. She may be fuming, but it's her battle to fight, not yours. She is after all an adult and he can't stop her going. It's up to her if she lets him stop her.

My advice to you is not to get drawn into the battlefield. She is going to get older and sooner or later she will assert her independence on her own anyway.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 01/06/2017 14:24

Just to add something - not long after 7/7 a friend of the family who had lost her son in his early 20's not long before (in a car crash) said something which has stuck with me and my family ever since - it was that she tried to live every day in a way which would have made her DS happy and proud had he been there to see it.

It sounds like your DH may have a fair way to go in unpacking his reactions and emotions before something like this is meaningful, but I wanted to share in case it is helpful some day.

Minniemagoo · 01/06/2017 14:24

I agree with the others above. This is something your Dh needs to discuss with a professional. Left unchecked it could damage his relationship with DD. At what point does he feel able to let go? 21/25/30.
Would he react well to a suggestion of counselling?

Loopytiles · 01/06/2017 14:26

How very tragic that your ex lost a close friend, ans he and DD lost his exW.

Sounds like your H is letting his MH issues negatively affect his parenting and might need MH healthcare. (I have anxiety so can relate). He shouldn't seek to dictate to his young adult DD where to live or go because of his anxiety: unfair on her and damaging to their and wider family relationships.

Buying property for family to live in is a bit of a minefield IMO and warrants careful consideration in any circumstances!

waitforitfdear · 01/06/2017 14:30

She's an adult so tell her it's her choice go or not as she wishes.

I completely understand How your dh feels. We almost lost one of our children in a fatal accident and to be honest she has dealt with the aftermath and PTSD quite well with counselling. However during her sessions she confided to the therapist that my anxiety about her and the crash was hindering her recovery and so I too had help and I really needed it.

Feel free to pm me as is your dh. He's suffering and needs help.

ohfourfoxache · 01/06/2017 14:30

I feel so sorry for your dh; what an absolutely horrendous thing to go through. I can imagine he's terrified of letting her go and obsessed with keeping her safe.

Having said that, he is being very controlling and I can imagine that dsd is absolutely sick of it.

Whilst I understand that he's terrified, in the long term he's pushing her away. And if it continues then it is going to damage their relationship badly.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/06/2017 14:37

I too feel sorry for your H. Hes had a major trauma- lost his best friend, had a breakdown and then his marriage broke down! You and his DD should really understand why he doesn't want her to go to the Manchester concert, given the reasons it's being held.

However the London thing is a different matter- he should be letting her choose where she goes to uni BUT I don't understand how she can afford to live in a flat- you said she couldn't in your OP.

Atenco · 01/06/2017 14:41

I'm glad this girl has you on her side, OP. The idea of something happening to our children is terrifying and she is barely out of the stage where, as parents, it is our responsability where they go and what they do and it is hard to adjust.

I do think your dh needs to see a bereavement counsellor.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 14:49

Does he have PTSD? It's really debilitating and needs to be treated.

YANBU.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 01/06/2017 14:52

Lots of PPs have said that you and DSD should understand why your DH doesn't want her to go to the Manchester concert. I'm sure you both understand perfectly well - the link to events that have been severely traumatic for him is clear, plus there is an element of genuine risk in attending.

However, the problem is that this forms a pattern of behaviour that is not rational and that (albeit coming from his love of and wish to protect his children) is actually pretty controlling. Not wanting her to drive, or attend university in London, is really OTT. It sounds like these are just the headlines too, and there is plenty of other more low-grade behaviour as well.

If he'd been able to deal with the issues that lead to this behaviour earlier, you wouldn't be in a stand-off situation now, when everything is heightened by the significance of the Manchester event. I'm not sure it's fair (or realistic!) to expect an 18 year old who's been under this kind of pressure to rise above her wish to go this event with her friends.

I am really sorry for the difficult situation you're in, and I have a lot of sympathy for your DH especially given the shared link to 7/7, but HIBU.

Spikeyball · 01/06/2017 14:56

I see how he can stop her going. She's 18.

derxa · 01/06/2017 15:00

I understand your DH completely. I lost a brother in an accident and it has made me very overprotective. Poor man.

Sparkletastic · 01/06/2017 15:04

I understand why he feels as he does but he must accept these choices are hers to make.

Roomster101 · 01/06/2017 15:06

I think that your DH's reaction is totally understandable given his past. It's easy for others to say that he shouldn't worry because the risk of anything happening is low but nothing ever feels low risk again if you have previously been the statistical anomaly. There isn't much he can do to stop her though and so hopefully in time, he will worry less.

BewareOfDragons · 01/06/2017 15:08

It sounds like your DH needs counselling. He need to stop trying to micro-manage and control everything/one around him to 'keep them safe'. He can't.

Your DSD is 18. I would quietly tell her that if she wants to go, she should go and you will support her. Your DH is going to drive her away if he keeps this up OR screw her up just as badly as he's screwed up. This is not a way to raise children.

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