To think DH is stupidly overprotective of DSD??

[K1092902]

I am aware I'm not her biological parent but she has lived with us FT for 4 years and we do have a very close relationship and is a wonderful big sister to DD who is 3.

DSD is 18 and at college just about to start A Levels. She is going to university locally in Sept as we can't really afford to pay for her to live away. My parents very generously offered to buy a flat in London on the basis she paid rent with 2 other friends who also wanted to go and have been accepted into her 1st choice university. DH said no because he is terrified of her living so far away with the "state of the world" at the moment.

I will now add that DH lived in London when 7/7 occurred- he was with his ex wife at the time who is DSDs biological mother. His best friend was killed during the attack which did cause DH to have a breakdown and led to his divorce with ex who has since passed away.

DH is incredibly overprotective of both girls- but I think it's extreme with DSD considering she is 18 and now an adult. It took a hell of a lot of arm twisting on my part to let her learn to drive even.

Things have come to a head this morning. DSDs friend has brought tickets for this charity concert in Manchester on Sunday. DH has said she isn't going. DSD is fuming and I'm caught in the middle.

I do fully understand that DH has suffered a severe mental trauma but he also needs to realise DSD is growing up-and I don't want to go through this all again when DD is growing up

AIBU

Surely the "state of the world" is all the more reason to go out and do things. No one knows what's around the corner. Terrorist attacks are incredibly rare and totally unpredictable. You can't avoid them as you don't know where they'll strike next. If you happen to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, it's tragic but pretty unavoidable. So I don't think it's worth restricting your life when it's out of your control. Any one of us could get his by a car tomorrow (and this is statistically far more likely than a terrorist attack) - so should he stop he walking down pavements next to busy roads?

Incidentally, the charity Manchester gig is bound to have masses of security in place and is likely to be a very safe place to be.

I appreciate he is doing this out of love, but he's got to let her get on with her life. What will be, will be. Make the most of your life in the interim.

I understand your DH's fear - the trauma he went through must have had a terrible effect on him. But he is allowing it to restrict his DD's life and that isn't fair.
If I have grasped the situation properly, you DSD isn;t going to her first choice uni because she can;t afford to live away from home, so she's going somewhere local? If that is the case then your parents offer of a flat (which is presumably an investment for them) soundslike a vey generous solution and a great opportunity for DSD - she'll have a great time flat sharing with friends and it will be a valuable learning opportunity for her in living independently.

It's really sad that your Dh didn't want her to learn to drive - driving is so important in feeling independent (I know because my XH wouldn't let me learn and I;m trying to learn now at the age of 57)

Regarding the concert - obviously the events in Manchester will have brought back terrible memories for him, and made him fearful for his DD. But logically these atrocities are very rare and in fact given the location and the timing this concert is likely to be an incredibly safe place to go - the security will be incredibly strong.

Awful experiences make us fearful for our children, In fact we are often fearful with out the added trauma of being in a terrible event, but you can't restrict people's lives. If children never learn how to do things out of their comfort zone that carry an element of independence how will the learn to keep themselves safe and recognise danger. These are things we have to learn for ourselves and keeping children overprotected is ultimately as cruel as unnecessarily exposing them to danger.

Not letting her go to her first choice uni because it's unsafe is too far over the line for me.

I appreciate things must be difficult for him but he needs to find a way to navigate through without harming his daughters.

I'm sorry that your DH has had such major trauma in the past but trying his dd in her room until she is 50 is not going to help - it is just doing to drive his dd away. He needs to get some professional help to manage his anxiety

His dd is 18 and a legal adult stopping her living in London, trying to prevent her learning to drive and stopping her going to concerts is all about him managing his anxiety by controlling her - but how will he feel if it damages to relationship and she leaves home anyway and stops talking to him?

I hope that he can get the help he needs before he destroys the relationship.

UNderstandable over-reaction on his part, given what he's been through, but he needs to get it under control or he's going to not only give himself more grief through worrying and trying to control the uncontrollable (life, his DDs, everything) but also potentially drive his DDs and even you away.

If he hasn't had trauma counselling, he really ought to go for it. It might help him to be better able to rationalise situations instead of catastrophising them and always assuming the worst will happen again because it already has happened - and he obviously needs external help with this or he wouldn't be in this state and you wouldn't be asking about it.

So sorry he's been through all that.

stupidly overprotective? no. yabu

understandably overprotective- sure

their needs to be some understanding on both sides- your dh cant protect her from everything but dsd must understand why he feels this way- he has had horrific experiences that recent events will have touched on for him very personally

Difficult.

The concert I can understand. The actual risk in attending is minimal, there's no more reason to think there'll be an attack there than there will in any other big audience, but your DH can't really be expected to see logic in this one. I totally see why it would be impossible for him to countenance her going. Equally, she's an adult... so he can't stop her. TBH if she is doing A-levels at the moment I might not be especially impressed with a weekend away right in the middle of them, whatever the security situation. When is her next exam after Sunday?

The flat, not so much. She's going to move away sooner rather than later, probably to a city. He is going to have to get his head around that and he's going to have to do it in the near future. Because he can't make her stay with you and be a little girl forever. I have every sympathy though. It sounds like he has come nowhere near dealing with the trauma he went through post 7/7 and that's going to keep bubbling away until it's fixed.

I think it's really unfair that your DD doesn't get her 1st choice uni because of his fears. I would work on that 1st because it's how bitterness really festers.

Also, forget people who think you shouldn't financially help your kids/grandkids. Everyone on mumsnet apparently trudged through the snow uphill! both ways! to school and was kicked out at 16 with an apple and a lump of coal and is all the better for it. Good for them. For the rest of us, we don't mind helping or being helped.

What happens if your dsd just does these things anyway? I don't really understand how he is preventing an 18 year old from doing things.

It must be incredibly hard for your dh to work out what is normal parental feeling and what is trauma and anxiety. If there is any way for him to have therapy, he should. Even a long waiting list ends eventually.

This is his problem and he needs to sort it out. I say this as someone who lost a child in tragic circumstances but have managed to allow my surviving DDs to have the freedom to go off and make their way in the world, even though sometimes i wish they were right at home with me. It is hard to overcome the urge to be over protective but his DD has to be able to go off and find the world for herself.

DH needs counselling, everyone is saying it, its true - he will have so many feelings about losing his friend and his DD's mother - that's a whole mess of pain and loss. He's not over-protective he is traumatised and the Manchester bomb will have brought these feelings to the fore. I am really surprised you got those tickets under the circumstances although I can see you meant it kindly as a nice thing for DSD.

Get him to see someone ASAP.

So has she done her A levels and been offered a guaranteed place already?and her two friends?

I would check youve got that right before anyone starts buying property.

Your DH needs counselling, his fears are real to him but long term need to be put into perspective.

It's very sad what he has had to go through but she is an adult and can do what she wants.

Your DH has been through alot but so has his daughter. Witnessing his breakdown, her parents divorce, losing her Mum.

She needs to live her own life and the lengths he is going to to try and control her sound very unhealthy.

Is it too late for her to change her Uni place? I would suspect her living at home through Uni is not going to work with things as they are and her relationship with her Dad could break down quickly.

Your parents made a wonderful offer and it would have given her and her friends stability while striking out on their own and gaining their independence. She also ought to join her first choice course or could end up changing/dropping out anyway.

And yes to going to the concert with friends, she'll be experiencing enough stress with her exams.

However, the problem is that this forms a pattern of behaviour that is not rational and that (albeit coming from his love of and wish to protect his children) is actually pretty controlling. Not wanting her to drive, or attend university in London, is really OTT. It sounds like these are just the headlines too, and there is plenty of other more low-grade behaviour as well.

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It's understandable to be anxious & cautious so soon after Manchester, & for my already angst-ful BiL it is all too much. So half-term jaunts for his DCs have been cancelled.

I am not happy about this - I was looking forward to a great day out - but OH has persuaded me that feelings are still very raw after the bombing & it's reasonable to go with the flow...for a while. However, I am mindful of the longer term of over cautious anxieties morphing into everyday controlling behaviours.

The loss of life of so many in any circumstances is tragic & unjust, but we adapt in time to the aftermath of trauma & tragedy otherwise the human race would have died out long ago.

Also, changing our lives to live a lesser life is what the f*g b**s want. Nope, not having that.

I wonder how Manchester has affected half term activities.

Staples the OP didn't get the tickets, a friend of her DSD did.

Is he controlling at all in other ways?

At the end of the day, he can't stop your parents buying her a flat & he can't stop her moving there.

That said, presumably she'll need money from you for course fees or something?

Would he refuse to pay that?

Could she go to a University that's not London and not a big city? That might be a compromise.

However, the problem is that this forms a pattern of behaviour that is not rational and that (albeit coming from his love of and wish to protect his children) is actually pretty controlling. Not wanting her to drive, or attend university in London, is really OTT. It sounds like these are just the headlines too, and there is plenty of other more low-grade behaviour as well.
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Your Dh has been through a lot but so has his dd. Witnessing his breakdown., her parents divorce, losing her mum.
She needs to live her own life

I think asking her to stop at home and not go to her first choice of Uni is crap tbh.
He cant let his own insecurities stop her from living her life to the full or doing the tracing she wants.

Apologies I read it but didn't take it in about tickets, I see it wasn't OP, thanks MrsM

He needs to talk to someone about this. It's clearly still causing him problems.

I suggest you talk to her gently about about why he is being like this.

My mum behaved similarly with me for not totally different reasons, and I didn't know why. My dad explained and it helped me understand better.

I think it's terrible that's he's limiting her opportunities. Why shouldn't she study in London and pay rent to her step-grandparents? London's not Beirut.

The concert should be her choice too. Especially as she is 18.

His ex wife is her mother, not 'biological mother', her being dead doesn't change that.

Off topic but this stood out for me OP: She is going to university locally in Sept as we can't really afford to pay for her to live away You don't have to pay. She gets a loan. DD managed in hers as did her friends. They got bar work to supplement. I did give her money and support her, but it wasn't for basic living expenses. If your DH is using this to hold onto her, that is wrong. Nobody should avoid the University of their choice because of living expenses and fees.

Though his reasoning is grounded in something he's experienced with losing his friend, it is impacting on your step daughter now. She is having to forgo the university she presumably wanted to go to, which may have offered the ideal course for her, and where she may have thrived finding her independence in an incredible city like London. He is also denying her independence in other ways when she's an adult and withdrawing her from her social life and experiences she'd be having. He means well but he needs to be aware of the impact he's having on her which will probably be detrimental to her life.