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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him not to play football every week?

86 replies

Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 08:25

Ever since I've met dh (20 years ago), he has had a kickaround with his mates once a week .

I am not that bothered that he plays really but he is ssssoooo inflexible over it. If something comes up, it doesn't matter what it is, he WILL not change it. When the kids are sick, when my dad was in hospital, anniversaries. Nope. He has to play. His brother plays too and is like that. I know it annoys my sil. The other lads, not so much. I saw lots were cancelling because of half term and they were busy or maybe their wives wanted a break from the kids.

He says he doesn't mind if i do something once a week but i genuinely would not have time to do something so rigidly. Sometimes I will go to the cinema and try to make it a regular thing with the girls but we all end up being busy with other stuff or we'll have a swimming day and then the kids will get sock or work gets in the way.

The other thing is tha he always seems so tired after work and just sits on the sofa while i rush around after the kids - his excuse is they should be more independent - but suddenly musters the energy to play a game.

When he came in last night, i just barked the kids were all his and let him run around aching after foootball because normally that would be his excuse not to help out too and my reason why i don't do much. I have to factor in how much energy ill hav e lwft at he end of the day

OP posts:

FuzzyPillow · 01/06/2017 17:29

Sounds really selfish of him to me!! I'd also find an equally inflexible hobby and become too tired when he gets home!

FlossyMooToo · 01/06/2017 17:33

Then the football is not the issue. You need to talk to him and get him to do his share.
If he refuses then lighten your load and stop doing stuff for him.

I do understand your frustrations OP but moaning about it while doing nothing will not change a thing. Dont expect him to suddenly start pulling his wieght because he wont and you will be left as you are. Doing it all and complaining.

Original poster

Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 17:34

You're right. Thanks Floss

OP posts:

FlossyMooToo · 01/06/2017 17:41

Lets see how much time he has free when he is doing his own laundry and cooking his on meals........not to mention this Saturday when he walks through the door from work and you walk out to meet a friend/sit in a cafe/visit a local museum for an hour or two

Doing everything becomes the norm OP. I was you once thought I had to do it all to make sure it got done. They are his kids/mess too make him take responsibility and if he doesnt then hes an arsehole and not committed to your family

HumphreyCobblers · 01/06/2017 17:53

He sounds selfish.

The OP is not asking him to stop doing football once a week, she is asking him to be sometimes flexible about not doing it. If there is an emergency or something. Like an ill mother.

Handmaidens are out in force today, I can't believe what I am reading.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 18:44

It's not being a bloody handmaiden. I really object to that.

What it is is pointing out that in a healthy, shared relationship it is possible for people to have non-family commitments and be quite rigid about them. The issue here is that the OP's partner is a lazy, self-involved wanker who sees children, the house and caring as her job. Sorting the football will not sort the issue.

Falconhoof1 · 01/06/2017 18:59

My DH is the same with his football. It's twice a week though-Saturday morning and Monday night. It's the same thing as you-i don't mind him doing it but he will not take a week off for anything. Meaning no weekends away during football season and I can't go away by myself to see friends until he's back on Saturday at about 1pm or I have to arrange childcare which isn't easy. All the other members of the team take weeks off but not him, unless injured. On the flip side I do enjoy that he has to get up early on a Saturday and fuck off out of the house.

Falconhoof1 · 01/06/2017 18:59

MissShittyBennet · 01/06/2017 19:05

He should've taken the kids yesterday and there is no excuse for his refusal. He was in the wrong.

But in general, I think your problem here is the way he behaves rest of the time rather than the hour a week. That's in general though, not always. There are times when his hobby should not be the priority and your dad being in hospital is an example of that. Still though, for the most part, what you are describing is a problem with his behaviour during the rest of the week rather than the rest of the time. You probably wouldn't have felt quite so exhausted last night if you got a bit more of a break the rest of the time.

I take a different position to a lot of MNers in that I think there are certain family situations where the pressure is so high and spare time so low that actually, there isn't the slack for either parent to carve out regular commitments for themself. But although I can see that your situation is hard, I don't think it's so bad that you shouldn't both be able to find an hour a week.

And certainly don't be running round after him when he comes in. He's had his hobby, he comes home, it's all hands on deck.

ZanyMobster · 01/06/2017 20:27

Lots of people, including myself, have been supportive about your situation OP but unfortunately not everyone has agreed with you re the football, the issue is way bigger than that IMO. You seem to be completely focusing on that one thing and those who are being ridiculously and unnecessarily harsh rather than listening to any advice given.

He should be pulling his weight, when either of you are at home rather than work everything should be roughly equal. Have you actually spoken to him about him doing more? He excuses sound pathetic quite frankly.

Emboo19 · 01/06/2017 23:54

I'm shocked with how many posters think you're unreasonable Op. I really don't think you are. It's not the hour a week it's the complete inflexibility of a bit of fun with his friends.
My boyfriend has a kick about with mates, tonight in fact, he's only just got home as they go to the pub after.
BUT, he's flexible with it. We agree to one night each week nothing on, if something's on that night (fa cup final!) he drops something else that week. In the last few months he's missed, when my gran was in hospital, dd was unwell and it was my friends birthday and I wanted to go out.

We are both pretty busy and he's recently taken on something else. I was pretty clear though that me and dd need to come first. If I feel that's not the case then our relationship will be in trouble.

Not sure what to suggest, but I'd definitely be making sure to get some time out for yourself and make sure he pulls his weight when he's at home.

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