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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him not to play football every week?

86 replies

Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 08:25

Ever since I've met dh (20 years ago), he has had a kickaround with his mates once a week .

I am not that bothered that he plays really but he is ssssoooo inflexible over it. If something comes up, it doesn't matter what it is, he WILL not change it. When the kids are sick, when my dad was in hospital, anniversaries. Nope. He has to play. His brother plays too and is like that. I know it annoys my sil. The other lads, not so much. I saw lots were cancelling because of half term and they were busy or maybe their wives wanted a break from the kids.

He says he doesn't mind if i do something once a week but i genuinely would not have time to do something so rigidly. Sometimes I will go to the cinema and try to make it a regular thing with the girls but we all end up being busy with other stuff or we'll have a swimming day and then the kids will get sock or work gets in the way.

The other thing is tha he always seems so tired after work and just sits on the sofa while i rush around after the kids - his excuse is they should be more independent - but suddenly musters the energy to play a game.

When he came in last night, i just barked the kids were all his and let him run around aching after foootball because normally that would be his excuse not to help out too and my reason why i don't do much. I have to factor in how much energy ill hav e lwft at he end of the day

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 15:50

ImperialBlether

I think the 'I can do all that AND hold down three full-time jobs AND bake my own bread, so why can't you?' brigade is out today.

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 15:54

I literally do not have an hour every week. There is too much else going on. To me, an hour to myself to do anything would be a luxury right now what with an aging mother to care for and sandwiched between 2 kids plus a nearly ft job

OP posts:
averythinline · 01/06/2017 15:55

He is not going to change unless you make it so completely painful for him - you need to change your behaviuor so he feels the impact

he does not care that much about family tie as chooses to work on a sat - what happened with the kids when you worked sat as well?

it is easy to fall in a rut and this has been going on years...so you will have to change something to change the pattern ...as he is so unwilling and is not all that bothered -probably doesn't even hear you when you talk about it anymore..

.book yourself an activity - it doesn't need to be seeing friends maybe a course - look at your local adult ed- cake decorating/spanish/dancing - whatever ...just book and pay so you will commit and stick it in the calendar and just go- he has to sort the kids that day you're off..

even if its just a half term (6weeks) you might learn something new and he will feel an impact....

if you don't change why should he??

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 15:55

Zippydoodah

He should be doing the childcare to make space for your hour a week. Your children have two parents. Do what he does and just walk out.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/06/2017 15:56

How old are your DCs?

FlossyMooToo · 01/06/2017 15:56

So in the evening when he gets home from work or on a Saturday after his overtime you cannot get an hour to yourself then? Really?
He wont care for his own children for an hour?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 16:03

Some women, and I'm nor saying this is you, but it is my mother martyr themselves running around after everyone, then complain about it.

If you can't get an hour because your DH is a lazy wanker YANBU. If you can't because, "I'm soooo busy me, I do everything for everyone, watch my spring-loaded arm shoot up when there's something to be done, I lay clothes out for my 12 yo and pack a lunch for my DH" then YABU.

In this house, I get two hours to run every Saturday morning and DH gets to go to the gym. Barring tsunami or similar.

JustDanceAddict · 01/06/2017 16:07

My dh plays once a week too - has done for excess of 20 years. Unless we're on holiday, it's a bank holiday or he's injured he goes. I never make plans for that specific night unless someone wants to come here. Doesn't bother me and never has. Obv he doesn't play under circumstances of a family member being v ill.

araiwa · 01/06/2017 16:14

you make time- why is this so hard to get through to you

other than football night, there must be an hour somewhere that both parents are home- use this hour to do something yourself- dh will have the kids

if your not prepared to do this, then you arent allowed to complain any more that he does but you choose not to

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 16:22

Because you are not listening! When i do get an hour ( not every week). I am too bloody exhausted. Just because you have time to make it doesn't mean i do.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 01/06/2017 16:29

If you are too exhausted then you need him to help more at home.

You seem to want it always OP. Are you really that tired that you cannot spend an hour to yourself?
Sorry I dont buy that.
On a saturday seen as its your day off so you should be a little rested, can he not take the DC out for an hour so you can rest at home/go out?

You are starting to sound like a martyr now.

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 16:29

Anyway it's not an hour. It's the getting ready, and the i ache so i can't do anything when i get in as well. It knocks the entire evening out. Oh, and the food prep is left to me too

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 16:29

How old are the children?

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 16:33

He wouldn't take the dc out Saturday. That simply wouldn't happen. And he often randomly fucks off somewhere because he 'needs his time' so I'll end up with him..it's not so much martyr but mug. If he's in the house the kids will call me, not him. Even qhen hes here hes busying himself with something

OP posts:
Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 16:33

Primary age

OP posts:
derxa · 01/06/2017 16:38

Primary age That's a bit vague. If they're late primary then it's different to a 5 and a 7 year old.

PurpleMinionMummy · 01/06/2017 16:38

I'm not sure the hour of football is your issue really. More the fact he doesn't pull his weight when he is around?

araiwa · 01/06/2017 16:40

i have no sympathy for you

you complain but do nothing about it

i feel tired but i go the gym anyway- you just offer excuses so im out

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 16:45

Yeah bye! Who th eff wants to go to the gym when knackered! I want to sit around and watch crap telly

OP posts:
Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 16:47

Thanks to those who were supportive - trifle, imperial et alFlowers

OP posts:
araiwa · 01/06/2017 16:52

lmao

there you go

quit your whingeing then- you cant be arsed to do anything so why complain?

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 16:53

Go away

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 01/06/2017 17:01

Kids are 7/8 and 13? He could have taken them for an hour if they play happily on the green as a one off. I can't imagine there are many occasions you can't spare him for his hour a week?

If you want your hour to be chilling out watching tv that's fine. You just need to make it clear to him that's what it is and get him to take them to the park or keep them out the way for an hour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 17:04

Thanks to those who agreed with me!

The football is the symptom, not the disease.

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 17:07

Yes. They are constantly wanting something. Eldest is worst. Going through a difficult time right now - is under camhs. Youngest less needy but starting to act up at school. Camhs actually said lack of time is a factor and dd constantly mentions he is never here and they aren't close. You are right actually. Fooyball is yhe tip of the iceberg. Fo someone desperate for kids before he seems to want want to escape most of the time

OP posts: