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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him not to play football every week?

86 replies

Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 08:25

Ever since I've met dh (20 years ago), he has had a kickaround with his mates once a week .

I am not that bothered that he plays really but he is ssssoooo inflexible over it. If something comes up, it doesn't matter what it is, he WILL not change it. When the kids are sick, when my dad was in hospital, anniversaries. Nope. He has to play. His brother plays too and is like that. I know it annoys my sil. The other lads, not so much. I saw lots were cancelling because of half term and they were busy or maybe their wives wanted a break from the kids.

He says he doesn't mind if i do something once a week but i genuinely would not have time to do something so rigidly. Sometimes I will go to the cinema and try to make it a regular thing with the girls but we all end up being busy with other stuff or we'll have a swimming day and then the kids will get sock or work gets in the way.

The other thing is tha he always seems so tired after work and just sits on the sofa while i rush around after the kids - his excuse is they should be more independent - but suddenly musters the energy to play a game.

When he came in last night, i just barked the kids were all his and let him run around aching after foootball because normally that would be his excuse not to help out too and my reason why i don't do much. I have to factor in how much energy ill hav e lwft at he end of the day

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 01/06/2017 10:39

You sound like YABVU.

talkingtofrank · 01/06/2017 10:42

I think you are being inflexible now as you are unwilling to accept that you may be being slightly unreasonable Confused

ZanyMobster · 01/06/2017 12:03

DH and I have various hobbies but sometimes things come up and we have to be flexible. We ensure that work/committee type things come first over gym/footie type things and of course the kids stuff come in front of that.

We are both flexible but also reasonable in realising which things need prioritising. I must say I think YABU in this instance, if I was able to take the kids with me then I would regardless of how difficult they had been during the day, that's life unfortunately.

The fact he is lazy the rest of the time is irrelevant, that's another issue that needs sorting but I can understand how you may feel resentful.

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 14:44

Some shocking replies on this thread. A hobby is a choice, not an obligation or a right. If your kids are sick, you don't leave your partner to deal with it on their own because you "have" to do your hobby.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 14:56

He has a commitment, which he takes seriously. I see that as a positive character trait. It's also healthy and social, both great things.

If he pulled his weight, did stuff with the children, did housework and was on deck more, would you resent the hour a week less? Because if not, it seems like you want to 'own' his time.

YANBU about him sitting on his arse while you do all the work. That's not OK.

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 15:00

Because if not, it seems like you want to 'own' his time.

I don't see it like that. She wants his children to come first with him.

BackforGood · 01/06/2017 15:00

YABU about the football.
You've pointed out yourself (with the cinema) that it doesn't work if you start letting all and sundry get in the way of this priority. He has been able to maintain his fitness and friendships with this group because it is a fixture in the diary.

Y might or might not BU about the 'running about after the dc' when he thinks they can do things themselves - you'd have to go into more detail about their ages and what tasks you are doing for them that he thinks they should do themselves.

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 15:06

I go to pole dancing classes every week, the only time I don't go is if I'm on holiday. Me & dh both do our fair share with the dc so a hobby each once a week really isn't an issue.

Is there reallly no other night of the week you can have a break from the children when his home? I don't see why he has to not go to a hobby once a week becuase you need a break

I've never got the well the dc are sick so you must stay home why? Most ill dc want to lay around or be cuddled and that takes 1 parent so why would both need to be home

You say his no problem with you having an hobby too so find one and enjoy it regularly. Find something you enjoy and announce weekly on x day you will be out the house doing your hobby so that night is up to him with the dc

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 15:07

I see where you are coming from Trifleorbust but my DH works hard, does more housework than me, is very committed to DD and me and still HAS to go to the gym three times a week. It's for his mental and physical health. He is a better parent and husband when he does.

We both prioritise this (and my running club) because although kids come first, they don't come only.

Is it really such an imposition to just see that time as sacrosanct?

Mia1415 · 01/06/2017 15:09

If you work on a sunday do you ever spend any time together as a family? Do day trips etc? If not YANBU. He could skip it sometimes

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 15:12

MrsTerryPratchett

Of course. I have no problem at all with the idea of a weekly commitment that is inflexible 95% of the time. It's that 5%, like if your wife goes into labour or the kids are ill or your wife needs you to do something because she is doing something, and both things are conflicting, essential tasks for the family. Why should you be able to prioritise a hobby then?

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 15:17

We have Sat afternoons and that's it but i often find it's all a bit of a rush. I used to work Sat but quit to get more time. Ha. I work late night Thursday and Friday and 2 additional morning shifts, which is why i don't get a great deal of time. He doesn't have to do Sat morning but it's equally hard getting him to be flexible with that. When i am not working i am catching up. Most friends are the same and we rarely have anything we can stick to100% every single week so i think it's a real luxury. I honestly think if i fell seriously ill hed still do it and leave me with the kids

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2017 15:20

But you haven't fallen seriously ill and seen him carry on. You're assuming that. You want him to be flexible with relatively minor things. And my experience of exercise is that if a good excuse will do to miss it, bad excuses become easier to use.

AuntieStella · 01/06/2017 15:22

If there are not a backbone of diehards who ensure the meet-up is running every week, it will wither.

So YABU It's something that matters to him - seeing his brother and seeing his mates. And it's utterly irrelevant that other participants attach a different level of importance to it.

It's one hour, it's predictable and you can plan round it.

OTOH, YABNU in complaining that he is not pulling his weight when he is at home. And you may well find that if that issue were solved, his standing commitment is a hell of a lot less irksome than it seems right now.

robinsongyal · 01/06/2017 15:25

It is clearly very important to him and sounds like his weekly escape from working/being a dad/general life, which is totally reasonable! He most likely looks forward to it and it has become somewhat of a weekly tradition with his family..I'd say leave him to it

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 15:29

It is actually v difficult to plan because it leaves me with just 2 evenings in the week to play with plus the kids' activities. I also have lost a day and a half at the weekend. So, if i need to plan something i'm often rolling on to the next week

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/06/2017 15:29

I can't believe some of these replies. I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit hole.

ZanyMobster · 01/06/2017 15:34

I totally get where you're coming from even though I think YABU re the football, there is so much else that is an issue here TBH, not particularly the football. If he was pulling his weight the rest of the time you wouldn't feel the way you do about the football I imagine. Have you spoken to him about him not mucking in at all the other times?

You should be a partnership and it sounds as if it's all left up to you!

Herewegogo · 01/06/2017 15:40

Imperial
I agree, sometimes MN really baffles me. The OP has said that he wouldn't even stop having a kick around when her dad or the children were sick. And people seem to think that's normal.

YANBU I find it really odd sorry. I get that people have hobbies and that's great, but it shouldn't get in the way of family illness. And I would be pissed off if I wasn't able to plan time away because my husband wanted to have a kick about.

derxa · 01/06/2017 15:43

YABU One hour a week! You sent the kids with him and you went to see your mum. You need to find your own activity and stick to it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 01/06/2017 15:46

Yabu

Being in a relationship doesn't mean everything else has to stop, and you have no right to ask that of him.

araiwa · 01/06/2017 15:48

just because one person makes no effort to give themselves an hour of time to do something they want to do, doesnt mean they should should criticize someone who does.

stop being a martyr and do something yourself- he has offered you the time

why does there need to be 2 parents at home with a sick child? 1 can handle it for an hour surely?

Original poster
Zippydoodah · 01/06/2017 15:48

Read the thread. I did not send the kids with him. I took them to my mum's. I suggested it and he refused

OP posts:
Carolinesbeanies · 01/06/2017 15:49

I read the title and was popping in to say, 'wait till youve been married 20years, youll cherish his outside hobby!', to find you've been together 20 years........Grin

ZanyMobster · 01/06/2017 15:49

Herewegogo - TBH the way I have read it most people have said in these circumstances the OP WBU, not in every situation, there was no need for him to not go that particular time but in different circumstances it should go without saying. He sounds like a lazy arse in general!

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