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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM being horrible about DFriends... AIBU?

74 replies

Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:06

Hi all,
Just got back from my Hen Do away for 3 nights. Went with 6 friends, DM and 2 DAunties. I had a fantastic time and really enjoyed myself.
Anyway, last night I popped to my mother's to collect some of the Hen Do stuff she'd packed away for me on the way home, expecting to be laughing and chatting about what a lovely time we'd had with my DF but this was not the case. I'd barely sat down before she started picking on 2 of the girls we'd gone with saying 'I need to tell you how much I disliked them, I found them rude etc.' This shocked me as the 2 girls were the ones who'd put the most effort into planning, buying me gifts, making sure I was having a good time, etc. I said I was shocked and couldn't understand it, to which she replied she 'wanted to smash their faces in'
I just couldn't believe she'd say that about 2 people who'd gone to so much effort to make her daughter happy.
I told her she was upsetting me/putting a dampener on a great weekend but she carried on slagging them off until in the end I just left.
AIBU to be really hurt by this and what should I do now? This makes future events e.g. The WEDDING really bloody awkward now...

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 01/06/2017 06:14

Crumbs. Had she met your friends before? If so does she normally get on with them?

barefoofdoctor · 01/06/2017 06:15

DM sounds delightful. Smash their faces in? Is she an angry 13 year old?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 01/06/2017 06:17

I don't see why it makes the wedding awkward.

I doubt your mother will have anything to do with your friends on the day, other than the smile-and-nod required as MoB. You mother will be with her friends and relatives, your friends will be in their own group. Neither really need meet.

Did she say why she thought they were rude? poor manners? loud? vulgar? treat the staff inappropriately? burp? use the wrong knife? There must be a reason she came to that conclusion.

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:19

She has met them before, a few times and never said anything like this. I wonder if she has been influenced by DAunties?

She couldn't really explain why they were rude, apart from the fact that one of them moved a table in a restaurant so that there was enough room for all of us to sit down, rather than pull out all the table extenders like my aunty had suggested. Hmm

OP posts:
artycakemaker · 01/06/2017 06:20

Focus on the great time you had an ignore your DM. It might be that a 3 day weekend away was too much for her to cope with, depending on what you did, and she is at low ebb as they say.

So, what did you do, and tell us some great things you did!

(The above can be ignored if your DM habitually undermines you, and in that case I'd say you might need to review what you invite her to).

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:22

Thanks arty- we did lots of activities e.g. Touring the place we were in, cocktails, themed feast night, afternoon tea, party games. It really was lovely and so well organised by the girls!

She's not normally like this so I honestly don't know where it's one from.

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 01/06/2017 06:23

It does sound odd. What sort of weekend was it, was there partying/drinking? Just wondering if 3 nights away "with the girls" was a bit much for DM? (Not that that excuses what she said of course).
Personally I would be assertive with her, say that although she's entitled to her opinion, they are your friends, you love them, and you disagree. If she persists, keep repeating this phrase until she gets bored and gives up.

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:24

@stilldrivingmebonkers It makes the wedding awkward as the 2 girls she supposedly hates are both bridesmaids- sorry I should have mentioned in first post- didn't mean to drip feed.

OP posts:
artycakemaker · 01/06/2017 06:24

A themed feast night and afternoon tea is my idea of heaven! (I am very committed to food. Grin)

Sounds great! And lovely that you have such close and caring friends.

Veterinari · 01/06/2017 06:26

If she keeps going on about it ask her specifically why.
If she gives a silly example - like the table-moving - ask her if she thinks moving a table so that you could all sit together is really a big enough 'insult' to want to 'punch someone in the face' and upset you by slagging your friends off.

Basically stay very calm and contrast her own unreasonable overreaction with the minor perceived 'insult' and try and get her to explain how the two are balanced. Hopefully she'll realise she's being unreasonable.

Effendi · 01/06/2017 06:28

Sympathies, my DM ruined my hen do by getting totally hammered and causing a massive ruckus. At the end up she said she wasn't coming to the wedding. She did but I've never forgotten how much she showed me up and the bad memories. All over a bar person collecting her glass when it wasn't quite empty.
No words of wisdom for you though.

Veterinari · 01/06/2017 06:29

Just seen your update - perhaps your friends did such a good job that your DM felt like she was a bit of a spare wheel? It may be that as MoB she had unreasonable expectations about her role and her nose is out of joint that it was all about your friends making sure you had a great time at your hen weekend. Go figure.

keeprunninguphill · 01/06/2017 06:30

DM and D aunties at a 3 night hen do! How bizarre. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Try to forget what she said, but I'm not surprised with the mix of 2 generations in each other's company for that length of time.

Ratbagcatbag · 01/06/2017 06:34

I wouldn't worry about it being awkward. I went on a spa day where the brides sisters started being an absolute bitch to the bride. Bride and me avoided them most of the day and then we got in the car. They started again, their mum said nothing. Bride was in tears. I really had a go at them to leave her alone. Deathly silence in the car the rest of the journey. We all just ignored each other at the wedding.

LedaP · 01/06/2017 06:36

Last time i was bridesmaid i barley saw the brides mother. Once the photos were done, i dont think i saw her again.

The wedding day will be fine.

StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2017 06:39

Really odd, assuming your mum isn't usually into casual violence. How old is she?

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:43

@keeprunning my DM and aunties are quite young/young at heart so forgive me for thinking they'd be able to get along and have a nice time- it wasn't as if any of the activities were wild nights out.

@stealth She's 55 and not usually into casual violence

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:44

@LedaP that is reassuring, thankyou

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/06/2017 06:45

Has she said or done anything else out of character really?
Sorry if I'm being melodramatic but if either of my parents said something so violent I'd be worrying about dementia.

pictish · 01/06/2017 06:48

How odd! I can't think what to say as her strength of feeling seems bizarre given these friends didn't do anything wrong!

What's it really all about do you think? You said she was slagging them off till you left...what was she saying?

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:56

@pictish She just kept saying how rude they were, they always wanted to be near me, they did 'too much of the organising', she doesn't want to be in the same room as them ever again and kept repeating that they were rude and 'up themselves'

If I thought that any of this were remotely true then I'd perhaps empathise a little but this is a total shock to me as I thought everyone had got on really well and had a lovely time. They were not horrible or outwardly rude at all- just very organised- but not even bossy.

It's just so bizzare! I can't help but wonder if being with my aunties has influenced my mother- they do like to do things 'their way' usually. They are bossy by nature so maybe didn't like the fact that others had planned things? Not that they are at all forthcoming in preparing / planning the hen do itself.

It's like she's had a personality transplant and become this horrible, unrecognisable person.

OP posts:
AnotheBloodyChinHair · 01/06/2017 06:57

Do you seek your mother's approval see down and perhaps that's why this is bothering you so much?
Your mum sounds a bit controlling and like she wants to remind you she knows better.
I wouldn't mix my friends and family in the future to be honest. Criticising your friends is showing disapproval of you.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 01/06/2017 06:58

deep down

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:59

@anither I think perhaps I do seek her approval but what's bothering me so much is how horrible she is being to people who'd put in so much time and effort into making me have a lovely time. Surely that's not normal?

OP posts:
AnotheBloodyChinHair · 01/06/2017 07:00

No, not normal but perhaps she's a little jealous.