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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM being horrible about DFriends... AIBU?

74 replies

Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 06:06

Hi all,
Just got back from my Hen Do away for 3 nights. Went with 6 friends, DM and 2 DAunties. I had a fantastic time and really enjoyed myself.
Anyway, last night I popped to my mother's to collect some of the Hen Do stuff she'd packed away for me on the way home, expecting to be laughing and chatting about what a lovely time we'd had with my DF but this was not the case. I'd barely sat down before she started picking on 2 of the girls we'd gone with saying 'I need to tell you how much I disliked them, I found them rude etc.' This shocked me as the 2 girls were the ones who'd put the most effort into planning, buying me gifts, making sure I was having a good time, etc. I said I was shocked and couldn't understand it, to which she replied she 'wanted to smash their faces in'
I just couldn't believe she'd say that about 2 people who'd gone to so much effort to make her daughter happy.
I told her she was upsetting me/putting a dampener on a great weekend but she carried on slagging them off until in the end I just left.
AIBU to be really hurt by this and what should I do now? This makes future events e.g. The WEDDING really bloody awkward now...

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 01/06/2017 07:01

My money's on the "nose out of joint" explanation too, even if she didn't want to do the work. There may be a little covering up of guilt that she hadn't gone to the effort your friends clearly had.

youarenotkiddingme · 01/06/2017 07:01

That's a real over reaction wanting to punch their faces in.

But I think you may be right about the trigger being amazing friends organising a fantastic weekend and it not being her who did it and taking the credit for it.

sonjadog · 01/06/2017 07:02

I wonder if she wanted to be the one who organized and was in charge, and your friends took that role from her?

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 07:06

The 'nose out of joint' is the only thing that makes sense because the girls were not at all rude/horrible like she is saying.

She didn't voice any opinions on the weekend though, just 'went with the crowd' so I just assumed she was happy like the rest of us.

Don't know where to go from here really. She will continue to upset me if she carries on slagging them off but I have a feeling she will as I left her mid-rant yesterday.

OP posts:
Almostthere15 · 01/06/2017 07:09

She wanted to be queen bee, and everyone defer to her. She didn't want to do the work mind you!

My dm can be a bit like this. She doesn't realise she's doing it but it's as if she wants to show she knows me best.

Her reaction is way ott though. If she travelled with your aunties perhaps she's been encouraged/wound up by them. I agree with a pp poster who said to meet it with absolute reasonableness if it ever comes up again (but I bet it wont). It won't affect the day, after the getting ready part they won't be together.

Try to not let it spoil the memory of what sounds like a great weekend.

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 07:10

I'm so annoyed with myself for getting so upset about it but I was on such a high after a lovely time! Talk about raining on your parade!

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 07:11

Thanks @almost

OP posts:
QueenOfRubovia · 01/06/2017 07:12

She couldn't really explain why they were rude

Sometimes, having a particular attitude can come over as rude.
Maybe they were just overbearing and/or bossy or dismissive of sensible suggestions? Because they organised it? Made her feel uncomfortable being there? Is it possible?

She's not normally like this so I honestly don't know where it's one from
Even more reason to consider that your mother may have a point.
Somebody has definitely upset her. Maybe she just can't put her finger on it, or explain it.
I'd just let it all calm down a bit. Ask her in a non confrontational, non-accusatory way exactly what made her so upset with them. Make her feel as though you will give her a fair hearing and not immediately jump to their defence without knowing exactly why she feels this way.
I doubt your DM would let this impact your wedding day.

Fragglez · 01/06/2017 07:13

It sounds like she felt that she and / or your aunties should have been 'in charge' and she has missed out on being queen bee as MOB.

Does she usually have issues with 'I'm older so i know better' around younger people?

Maybe your aunties have riled her up by sniping in her ear about the percieved 'insults' as you say they can be a bit bossy?

Maybe remind her that the hen do is part of the bridesmaid role, and of course they organised it, they were supposed to.

Perhaps she feels privately thay they did a better job than she would have done and she is feeling a bit jealous - or the same for the aunties and they have stirred her up?

bigchris · 01/06/2017 07:15

The majority of the country seem to be voting the way the gutter press tell them so Corbyn still has no hope imo

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/06/2017 07:23

It sounds as though your mum is struggling with letting you go. Does she normally like to be the centre of attention? Perhaps her mother did all the planning with her wedding and she's built up all kind of fantasies now it's her turn. Are your parents paying for the wedding and has she been given a role in planning it?

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 07:26

@mummy She's been involved with all aspects of planning and is very generously paying for most of the wedding.
The thing is, she is not normally like this at all- craving centre stage/attention which is why it's so odd.

OP posts:
Bananamanfan · 01/06/2017 07:27

Maybe your mum got a bollocking from the aunties, because they weren't guests of honour (table thing would back this up). Rather than think badly of you not making a fuss of them (even though it was your hen weekend!), they have to blame your evil friends??
Dh's aunty was a bit like this on our wedding day.

QueenOfRubovia · 01/06/2017 07:39

I don't understand why the blame for all this is being laid squarely at the feet of the mother and aunties.
Maybe the bridesmaids 'were' a bit snarky behind OPs back.

It's just as possible a scenario as any others I've read. Especially if OPs mother isn't normally given to outbursts such as this. There's more to this than meets the eye.

QueenOfRubovia · 01/06/2017 07:42

I'd be listening to what the mother had to say before casting any aspersions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/06/2017 07:43

Did you thank the hen party givers profusely and show your gratitude? Did your mum pay for you on the hen do? Odds on your mother feels as though she's stumped a lot of money for your wedding, put in a lot of hard work and wasn't recognised for this at the hen do. You know yourself a hen do is a lot cheaper and takes a lot less planning and yet these friends have got a lot of credit - I agree they deserve your gratitude btw. Try seeing things from her POV. Yes, she's acting childishly but in her shoes, wouldn't you be hurt? At my wedding, I got presents for our parents on both sides, who contributed to the wedding and gave them out during the speeches. Perhaps you could talk to her. But make it blatantly clear that speaking about your friends in this way is unacceptable.

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 07:55

@Mummy Yes, I can see what you mean. I'm trying to see her reasoning but it is quite difficult.
Perhaps she does feel that her contribution to the wedding has gone unrecognised during the hen but obviously my DP and I were going to get her, my DF and in-laws presents at the wedding and say something nice in speeches etc.

@Queen Yes, I think you are right and that I need to speak to her and find out more of her side. It was just that , after such a lovely time, I didn't expect her to be so venomous and it upset me. She probably could have been more tactful if they'd genuinely upset her in the way that she phrased her dislike of them. I think as long as she acknowledges this then I will be fine with what she has to say.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 01/06/2017 08:18

Did she drink a lot and maybe is not used to drink? Some people become obnoxious even the day after. Or were your dfs treating her as not important and ignoring her as an old lady. I am her age and wouldnt like to be treated as an old lady.
Its all disappointing for you after a lovely weekend. Its probably jealousy as shes paying for wedding and getting no fuss while your dfs are getting high praise for arranging a party.

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 09:32

No she didn't drink anything and was just treated the same as everybody else- maybe that's what she didn't like.
She's just text me something completely generic now- a reminder about somebody's birthday- as if nothing has happened and she hadn't upset me at all. I feel like I must have dreamt it, it's so weird.

OP posts:
BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 01/06/2017 09:59

While she was needlessly venomous, could she be 'peopled out'? 3 nights away with many many activities all focused around one person (even though you love that person), not with people of your choosing, and siblings (I love mine but can't be with her for more than a day at a time), being told where to go what to do by someone else, is a lot. I wouldn't be able to cope with that, then during my 'unwinding' time still have my social face on. Also, it's possible your friends have been quite demanding without you realising - on a lot of hen do threads the bridesmaids go a little OTT. You know your mum, I could obviously be way off, just a thought.

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 10:05

@Boy Yes, I think you've put it well. I hope this is the case and that she was still just peed off about it yesterday and it all came out wrong maybe.
It was nasty of her to say the things she did and I hope she apologises - not for how she feels because she can't help that- but for the way she expressed those feelings. She is stubborn though so I can't see her apologising but I hope she does.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/06/2017 10:20

If she's not good at apologising, how about you go first. Tell her you were surprised by her outburst and are sorry if she felt left out. You are sorry she feels sad or angry etc.

Original poster
Daisychains21 · 01/06/2017 10:32

@Mummy I think I'll have to. I'm going for my hair trial today so it seems sad to fall out and not be able to talk to her about it. Think I will have to just accept it.

OP posts:
EndInjustice · 01/06/2017 10:37

Jealousy can be difficult to control for some people. Had this event happened at a time when DM was feeling emotional for some other reason that she has not told you about yet?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/06/2017 10:38

Have a good time at the trial. And just because she's older than you, doesn't make her a grown up. My mother is mid 70's and she's still very much a child. If you do the softly approach, it doesn't make you weak. It makes you the strong one. And remember by walking away yesterday, you already "won" the argument as you refused to engage further. Not that it should be about winning or losing btw.

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