DM being horrible about DFriends... AIBU?

[Daisychains21]

Hi all,
Just got back from my Hen Do away for 3 nights. Went with 6 friends, DM and 2 DAunties. I had a fantastic time and really enjoyed myself.
Anyway, last night I popped to my mother's to collect some of the Hen Do stuff she'd packed away for me on the way home, expecting to be laughing and chatting about what a lovely time we'd had with my DF but this was not the case. I'd barely sat down before she started picking on 2 of the girls we'd gone with saying 'I need to tell you how much I disliked them, I found them rude etc.' This shocked me as the 2 girls were the ones who'd put the most effort into planning, buying me gifts, making sure I was having a good time, etc. I said I was shocked and couldn't understand it, to which she replied she 'wanted to smash their faces in'
I just couldn't believe she'd say that about 2 people who'd gone to so much effort to make her daughter happy.
I told her she was upsetting me/putting a dampener on a great weekend but she carried on slagging them off until in the end I just left.
AIBU to be really hurt by this and what should I do now? This makes future events e.g. The WEDDING really bloody awkward now...

She sounds exactly like my mum.

Never likes any of our friends. Ever.

Disapproves if I even have coffee with friends.

Away for the weekend? Forget it!

I had two separate hen nights because I couldn't deal with her drama.

I think it's a weird combination of her having zero confidence, insecure, and at the same time wanting to be The Matriarch.

I ignore it now and just get on with things.

DM and D aunties at a 3 night hen do! How bizarre. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Try to forget what she said, but I'm not surprised with the mix of 2 generations in each other's company for that length of time.

This. It has nothing to do with whether the hen weekend involved serious drinking and dancing on tables, but an 'older generation of family' vs 'your friends' dynamic seems to have taken place from your mother's POV, as regards who had authority/strongest claim on you and the smooth running of the weekend.

My mother lives in a different country to the vast majority of my friends, so has never met them, but I know perfectly well she wouldn't like them at all, because she reads female self-confidence as 'being up yourself'/'full of yourself' (which sounds slightly like what your mother said..?) But then I would never expect them to spend an hour in one another's company, far less a weekend.

If she is going to move on as if nothing happened I think I would just go along that route too actually.

I suspect as you say there was some praise for the girls in organising a lovely time for you and her nose was a bit out of joint. However, as mother of the bride she will have her turn in the limelight soon and enjoy your day as much as you will.

If it does come up say that you were pleased the weekend had gone well and that your friends had stood up to the plate for you but it will be nothing compared to the main event and how grateful you are to her for everything she has done for the wedding and throughout your life. How could any mother not melt at that?

If, as you say, this is out of character for her, then maybe she has a point.
My sibling has a friend who is always invited to family celebrations organised by my sibling and now, my mum. I cannot abide her. She is rude, loud in an obnoxious way and I find her very pushy. The last time we were at an event together was a day when there was a big sporting event going on elsewhere. It was something dh follows and would normally have watched, but chose to record it to watch 'live'later that day. When we arrived, my mum expressed surprise to see dh, knowing how closely he follows this particular sport, so we explained what he was doing and asked that if anyone found out any results, not to say as it would spoil his viewing later. Not a problem for any of my family - not a sport any of them follow or have any interest in at all. The friend however, spent the entire afternoon checking her phone and giving updates. I politely asked her not to and explained again. She continued. That's rude. It didn't affect my sibling in any way, but now, when I see her, I have nothing to say to her. Sadly, unless we dip out of all family celebrations with sibling, she will always be there. But I won't speak to her again.
Maybe your friends said or did something you are unaware of, but which upset your mum?

Ooo, I recognise this one and it is 100% that your Mum and her sisters/your Aunts expected to be more in the thick of it, be a bit pandered too as close relations of the bride. I have seen it happen before. A close friends Mum and Aunt, that I have always got along with and had no issue with were VILE at her Hen Do and it was totally down to jealousy - they didn't like that it was more about the brides friends than the family, thought that they should have a say, expected to be somehow a cut above the other guests (as they would be at the wedding itself). It won't be that your friends were rude, it will be that your Mums expectation was that she was second to you as guest of honour but was treated just like everyone else

Is it possible this is jealousy caused by feeling no longer needed?

I imagine that if your daughter gets married, you are delighted for them but it's also a kind of loss. Their main attachment in life is no longer you, but their husband. I suspect quite a few mothers feel pretty insecure and even unneeded. If the friends were that good at organising it could perhaps have made her feel even more unnecessary. Possibly this could go very deep; your attachment to your children is usually the strongest attachment of all.

You say it's completely out of character for her. Could you maybe talk to her? If she's open to emotional discussions, perhaps it could clear the air. If she isn''t, maybe making a point of saying how much you appreciate her as your mum might make her feel less woebegone (if this is underlying her behaviour).

Just reread your op. The fact that your dm has only made these comments about 2 out of the 6 friends, really makes me feel she might have a good reason. If it was just a jealousy thing, or a feeling left out thing, I think she would have complained about the whole group, not just 2 of them. Just because they are OK with you, doesn't mean they didn't do or say something that's upset your mum, possibly out of your hearing.

Update: went to hers to see her after my hair trial this afternoon. She was not interested and didn't bother talking I me- she just ignored me.
I don't know what I have done wrong if it's my friends she doesn't like?
Made awkward conversation with my father and left after about an hour when I realised she didn't give a damn if I was there or not. Very upsetting. I don't really know what else to do though.

Do not let her spoil this for you OP, I for one am convinced that she is jealous of either you being the centre of attention or of your relationships with your friends. Bet you big money she will be lady bountiful at the wedding itself when she feels 'in charge'

She may jealous that you have such good friends (my dm is like this) or her nose was out of joint because your dfs had done so much of the organising. However, isn't it usually friends who organise the hen party? Does your dm like to be the centre of attention?

I thought from your OP that her nose was put out of joint at your hen do as she expected to be deferred to as the matriarch and not just muck in with everyone else, and that your aunts may have been stirring things.

Even if your friends did offend her, to threaten violence is an extreme reaction.

Your update suggests she's just sulking now. Does she often do this? If so, how do you usually respond - does everyone pander to her? If so, that's what she's waiting for isn't it. I'd leave her to it. you've been round to see her and she ignored you - so you can't ask her what's wrong or for her point of view, apologize, explain or anything, she won't let you. So go home and let her make the next move. I wouldn't be visiting or phoning until she shows signs of being willing to meet you half way. However, I suspect her pattern is to sulk until she decides not to, and then carry on like nothing ever happened - once everyone's bent over backwards to appease her.

You said she's paying for some of the wedding costs - does this mean in her mind that she gets to have things done her way? She didn't at the hen do as someone else organised it. It wasn't all about her, and she didn't have the power in that situation.

Made awkward conversation with my father and left after about an hour when I realised she didn't give a damn if I was there or not

Maybe she's upset that you jumped to the defence of your friends without hearing her out. Possible.

Even if your friends did offend her, to threaten violence is an extreme reaction

That's dramatic. She didn't threaten violence. She said she wanted to punch their faces in. She didn't say she was going to.

It does sound a bit extreme though, even to say it. They must have really wound her up somehow.

I agree with misseliza. I think she's jealous of your friends.

My mother lives in a different country to the vast majority of my friends, so has never met them, but I know perfectly well she wouldn't like them at all, because she reads female self-confidence as 'being up yourself'/'full of yourself'

Mumchance i get this too, from my sisters and BILs. They never say anything to me but tell my mum.

She reads female confidence as being up yourself OMG that's my dm! It must be a generational thing.

I'm 52 and believe me I don't think female confidence is being up oneself. Don't talk such rubbish about it being generational.

Well she's being bloody childish now. I would march in and ask for an explanation. If you can't do that, can you ignore her until she decides to talk about what happened and what she's on about? I'd not go appeasing her...she's being a right bugger to you.

It's the "smash their faces " that worries me! You need to get her think about those words and try to justify in her head the use of them!
Sorry op - she sounds like a loose cannon - I'd sneak to alcohol free stuff on her table at the wedding.

OP, I have noticed that someone has already mentioned her health.
Is she well? Diabetes can cause such mood swings if untreated, as can dementia and bizarrely my Nan went all evil telling people I hadn't fed them when they came to stay once. Basically she was hot, tired, out of her comfort zone with an underlying condition.
I am absolutely not saying it is a health thing, but it is a possibility if she is not normally like this. Really feel for you Xxxxxx

Thanks for the messages. It seems most people think I should just leave it now.

I have thought about her health but I'm not sure it's anything to do with that as she's fine in all other aspects- it's just this.

I really do get that she obviously didn't like some of my friends and her extreme reaction suggests they must have done something quite bad to upset her but, while she's acting like this, she's not saying what that is.

I feel now that she is ist punishing me for their behaviour because she can't punish them.

This is making me feel so awful that now I can't sleep because I genuinely feel that I have done nothing to warrant her treating me like this, simply because she didn't like 2 people on my Hen Do.

My DP and DF just sat there and let her ignore me yesterday too because 'it's nothing to do with them' (they're just scared to cross her). It just feels like I'm very alone in this and I'm confused about the way she's treating me.

If your dp and df are scared to cross her, then she is the one with the problem imo. They know her character and she sounds stubborn and childish. By the sounds of it, you don't have kids. If you want this sorted out, she needs treating like a kid. With kindness. The apologising from you as I suggested upthread would probably work best. I'm not saying you should do it. As you can also choose to ignore her sulks, as some parents of kids do. I wouldn't have it out with her though unless you are ready for lots of screaming and shouting and tears - I think this is the way that option would head because she's acting like a child, not an adult.

Honestly some of what you're saying reminds me of my mum's own behaviour. She would sulk, give me the silent treatment (sometimes for up to 3 days) and then the drama. Oh the drama. I hardly ever contact her these days...

Faerie my mum is a good deal older than you (70s), so definitely a different generation. My friends and I have observed this with our mums.

You won't be able to identify what's up because she won't know herself. It's pretty obvious it's jealousy and she can't really say it's that so there will be some inflated slight she'll have latched on too. I recognise it because my mother does the same sort of stuff for every little thing that puts me in the spotlight. She can't stand it and will take the shine off any way she can.

unfortunately I'm not sure what to suggest. She's paid so will feel justified to make you feel how she wants for whatever slight she's imagined. Maybe you should let her know how her behaviour will affect your relationship in the future if she doesn't wind her neck in if you want it confronted.

Your bloke needs to have your back though.