To be heartbroken

[WelshMum78]

DP and I have a 7 month old DD. Before I got pregnant we spoke about having 2 children....he already has 3 from a previous marriage. It was a big discussion because I knew it was a big decision for him as that would mean 5 kids. Anyway he agreed and seemingly not under duress....I'm not that sort of person.

Fast forward to now...I do 90% of baby related stuff. He does a bit of the fun stuff, but he works very long hours and I don't work, so this is not a problem. I love spending all my time with DD!

Now he doesn't want another baby. I'm 38. I waited all my life to meet the right person to have a baby with and as long as I'm able to, that was always going to be 2 babies. I'm heartbroken. I adore DD and I want her to have a sibling. I was an only child and hated it and her youngest step sibling is 9.

I know that I am blessed with DD (had 2 previous miscarriages) but I feel completely cheated that he went along with what I wanted and has now changed his mind.

I fear he wanted to 'let' you have one kid in order to 'keep' you but never intended to have more.

My sister is one of the greatest things in my life, and I wouldn't be without her for anything. I totally understand why you want dd to have a sibling.

The question is - which do you want more - a sibling for DD or your DP? Is it worth splitting up over.

A friend of mine had 2 kids with a man who didn't really want them as he already had a son. He agreed, but said that he wasn't prepared to do all the graft, which in some ways was honest but in others a total failure to take responsibility for bringing children into the world. In the long run he doesn't pull his weight and when pushed says he never wanted them anyway. He's very good when he is with them, but that's not much.

They're actually getting divorced anyway. The relationship has not survived his lack of input into the children. But I guess at least my friend has the two kids she wanted.

Your setup works ok for the moment, but if financial circumstances changed and you had to work as well as part-owning this company, you may get resentful very quickly. Even if circumstances don't change, you might find yourself getting browned off anyway.

If someone's life is the same after having a baby as it was before then they are doing a pretty shit job of being a parent. That's not someone who should be having more children. He realises this.

I don't think it's that he doesn't like the baby stage. I suspect, as he's saying, he doesn't like how his life has changed - the responsibility (mentally if not physically), that your focus has changed, your body, your sex life (I don't know, I'm just giving examples of what may have changed) the things you two do together, the time you spend together, the conversations you have. All of that has changed - for you it is for the better, but for him, possibly not. I'm sure he loves your DD, but not how it has changed your lives.

you cant force someone to change their mind

reverse the situation noone should make a woman hav a child so whats the difference

u both have the right to feel how u feel-its up to you now if u want to carry on this relationship

He's a douche. Agreeing to two then changing his mind when his life is apparently barely even affected by his children is very douchey.

If someone's life is the same after having a baby as it was before then they are doing a pretty shit job of being a parent. That's not someone who should be having more children. He realises this.

I bet he doesn't... He is very selfish, but the truly selfish never realize it. He's probably only thinking about getting his wife's full attention back, nothing more.

A sibling isn't necessarily a best buddy for life. I'm NC with my sibling (not my choice) and my DH wasn't close at all with his. I desperately hope for a different outcome for my DCs and will be heartbroken if they can't at least be civil and be there for each other when needed.

I bet he doesn't

Maybe he doesn't. The outcome is the same- he shouldn't have more children.

It is unfair of him to deny the OP the experience of having a second child (which can be completely different to the first) and condemn her to a life of being asked "just the one?" when it is not what she wants and not what they agreed when they got together.
I'm not saying he should be forced to but I do believe his behaviour is selfish and unfair.

Ok Kenneth, can you flip that around and imagine the OP is the one who is getting it her way and having the second baby. Is that fair on him to be forced to be a father to a child he doesn't want. Forcing the experience of fatherhood to two babies on him and condemning him to a life of "wow 5 children, have you no tv in your house?"

Whatever way this works out someone is unhappy. They can't both have what they want and there isn't a compromise. You can't have half a baby. So how do you decide who gets their way? Personally I think creating a new person is far too big a deal to be done to please another person. You have to wholly desire that baby (who will quickly grow into a person with feelings of their own) in your life, you have to light up at the thought of it. It isn't enough to just do it because the wife wants it and says she doesn't mind doing the heavy work. That isn't fair on the child.

I agree, there isn't really any good solution - other than one or other of them changing their mind. I just don't think it is a decision that is entirely without blame. It's not as if he didn't know what having children was like.
In my experience I have found friends led on by men who said they wanted children, yet a few years into the relationship said they didn't. They have stolen years from those women. I don't think this situation is as bad as that but let's face it, he doesn't sound like much of a catch based on the limited info we have so I'm not feeling too much sympathy for him.