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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be heartbroken

85 replies

WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 21:16

DP and I have a 7 month old DD. Before I got pregnant we spoke about having 2 children....he already has 3 from a previous marriage. It was a big discussion because I knew it was a big decision for him as that would mean 5 kids. Anyway he agreed and seemingly not under duress....I'm not that sort of person.

Fast forward to now...I do 90% of baby related stuff. He does a bit of the fun stuff, but he works very long hours and I don't work, so this is not a problem. I love spending all my time with DD!

Now he doesn't want another baby. I'm 38. I waited all my life to meet the right person to have a baby with and as long as I'm able to, that was always going to be 2 babies. I'm heartbroken. I adore DD and I want her to have a sibling. I was an only child and hated it and her youngest step sibling is 9.

I know that I am blessed with DD (had 2 previous miscarriages) but I feel completely cheated that he went along with what I wanted and has now changed his mind.

OP posts:

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 23:13

Perhaps his older children were very easy babies and the 4th one isn't. Perhaps he has realised he is a lot older than he was the first time round and doesn't have as much energy for it. So many reasons, I'm really guessing here but you really can't hold him to something he said before there were any babies (in this current situation). Not when it is somethjng as massive as bringing a whole new person into their family.

phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 23:13

This is the thing we don't know. And to be honest if he was so hands off with the first three he shouldn't have agreed to have any more let alone two

I just think if you've three kids already you know what to expect roughly whether you work all the hours or not

It honestly does sound to me like he never was going to have two rather than he just changed his mind

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 23:17

And to be honest if he was so hands off with the first three he shouldn't have agreed to have any more let alone two

We don't know he was hands off!! This was just my guessing. Also People aren't always as self aware as they need to be. He may not have realised how hands off he was until baby 4 came along and he was expected to do things. Again, I'm just guessing.

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 23:20

And if you think he shouldn't have agreed to two because he was hands off then why are you saying he needs to get past it and have a second with Op??

phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 23:22

He shouldn't have agreed to something he never wanted in the first place (if that is the case)

But since they had a massive discussion and they agreed and he knows how much this means to his wife and actually it probably won't even change his life considering his wife does it all anyway he should stick to what they agreed in the first place.

But if you're right and he wasn't arsed about his first kids he should have been straight with op and she could have had the two children she desperately wants

TattyCat · 31/05/2017 23:26

Perhaps he has realised he is a lot older than he was the first time round and doesn't have as much energy for it.

This. How old is he?

Kennethwasmyfriend · 31/05/2017 23:29

It is an awful thing to feel you've been led on. He needs to take into account his wife's wishes and needs. That doesn't mean he has to ultimately go along with them, but he should not just state his decision as if hers doesn't matter.

Peanutbutterrules · 31/05/2017 23:29

There can be a difference between 'in theory' and 'in reality' - frankly both men and women are allowed to change their minds about stuff like this. It's not easy, but you can't force it.

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 23:36

Oh fgs Phoenix you are being ridiculous and infantile! No one should be having a child they don't want just because they said they did a few years before. People are entitled to change their minds about such a massive decision. Far better he say it now than after a baby is conceived. He thought he wanted two, he had one and realised he didn't want another. It happens all the time. Babies aren't pet goldfish. They're kind of a big commitment.

phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 23:38

Infantile because I don't agree with you? Right.

You don't know what he actually wanted at all. You can't say whether he did or didn't mean it.

Babies are a big commitment and again he should know that as he already had three.

Original poster

WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 23:39

To answer some questions - DP is 38, same as me. Yes he feels a bit old to have another baby but his first was born 18 yrs ago and my 1st 7 months ago!

As far as I know - 1st baby he was very hands on, the next 2 less so because he's a complete workaholic. He does minimum with our DD, which isn't an issue for me. Minimum meaning he does the fun stuff and I do my share of the fun stuff and all the feeding, waking, crying etc...

His life would not change if we had another. Perhaps as someone has mentioned, it's the change in me he doesn't like.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 31/05/2017 23:50

Tbh I think he sounds very reasonable. He has 4 kids as it stands.
Either you leave and find someone else or go it alone but if I were him it'd keep it zipped up from here on out.

TreeTop7 · 31/05/2017 23:57

He's pushing 40. At any given time from the age of 20 he's had at least one young kid. So, I can see why he doesn't want more but I really really sympathise.

What didn't you like about being an only child? Her upbringing doesn't have to be like yours. And I know that the 3 half siblings are much older and live remotely, but if they're nice (as you say) the relationship can still be special.

BandeauSally · 01/06/2017 00:00

Infantile because I don't agree with you? Right.

No, infantile because you seem to think it's more important that OP gets what was agreed to rather than someone has a child they don't want regardless of the reasons.

BandeauSally · 01/06/2017 00:02

He does minimum with our DD, which isn't an issue for me. Minimum meaning he does the fun stuff and I do my share of the fun stuff and all the feeding, waking, crying etc.

Have a wee read through the relationship board. What you are describing gets old very quickly. Don't take my word for that. The proof is posted on MN on a daily basis.

Kiwiinkits · 01/06/2017 00:09

Perhaps as someone has mentioned, it's the change in me he doesn't like.

Yes, it probably is. You are less available to him than you used to be and he resents it. Probably he thought this time around with a new woman it would be different, and surprise, surprise, it's not.

maudismyfavouritepony · 01/06/2017 00:17

In the long term, what is more important, an apathetic father of one or two?
He sounds useless to be frank, why settle for another child with a useless dad?

or.? If you are determined....
Tell him you agree, no more condoms or pill, INSIST he get the snip.
He sounds feckless so you may have your second anyway. Prepare for the consequences.

pictish · 01/06/2017 06:44

I think Pheonix is being infantile as well. And not because she disagrees but because her take on this is simplistic and childish.

Original poster

WelshMum78 · 01/06/2017 07:48

I think that some are seeing issues that aren't there. I don't need to have a read of the relationships board and DP is definitely not useless.

I think the issue is more a baby issue. When my DSC are here, he does everything for them, cooks for them, takes them places, watches films with them, plays the PlayStation, goes swimming....he's not apathetic. And yes I know he's not with them all the time but they have a very happy home life as well.

He somehow thinks that our lives will be 'back to normal' when DD is a bit older. My argument is that his life is the same now and will be the same if we have another. And we can afford it.

When I was a child, I was jealous that my friends had siblings at home, even when they didn't get on. Now I'm older and I have a difficult relationship with my mum and I wish I had a sibling to share that with or at least to be able to offload. I have said all my life I wouldn't have just one child and yes the half siblings are there some of the time, but a 9 yr age gap between my DD and youngest half sibling is quite a lot.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 08:00

I know what you mean, OP. You want a sibling close in age to your DD, so they can grow up together. Not unreasonable. And although you knew he had a family, your expectation was that you could also go about creating your family, and now you may have to compromise. I sympathise. As other posters have said, wait a year or so and then discuss it again.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/06/2017 08:01

He is being very sensible. He had four children to support as well as himself and you given you don't work. That's a lot. With a fifth child that just increases his costs and decreases the chance of you financially helping with returning to employment.

Your DD has three half siblings so is not an only chid by any shape or means.

He is perfectly entitled to say no, nobody should be forced into children simply to give into a partners wants. A chid deserves to be wanted by both.

fanfrickintastic · 01/06/2017 08:10

I feel for you but I'm in your husband's position - tentatively agreed to 2 children pre marriage but having had one I'm adamant about not having any more. My husband is gutted, but parenting just isn't what I thought. Maybe your husband forgot what it is like and the reality has reminded him and he doesn't like it? People are entitled to change their mind, especially with something so momentous as children. You need to decide whether you want to stay with him, I gave my husband the choice - me and no more kids, or we end things and he can start a family with someone else. He's a great dad but I am not going through it again.

thethoughtfox · 01/06/2017 08:13

To be fair, most people with 7 mth old don't want to think about another one. Could you accept this? He may change his mind in the future when you dc is past the baby stage, but he may not and has the right to change his mind.

fanfrickintastic · 01/06/2017 08:14

He somehow thinks that our lives will be 'back to normal' when DD is a bit older. My argument is that his life is the same now and will be the same if we have another.

No it isn't. You may think it looks the same, but mentally, emotionally, in his head, it isn't. And I know this because he has told you. You are dismissing his feelings there. I understand why, you are upset, you feel he's broken the deal. But as I said before, you need to decide whether you can live with his decision or not. You can't force him to change his mind and have a child he doesn't want. It isn't fair on the child - yes he may love them, but that is different to being wanted.

Original poster

WelshMum78 · 01/06/2017 08:22

Rainbows - I part own one of DPs companies and financed it from the beginning. I take an income from this and pay half of everything. So please don't tell me I need to return to employment as I employ a number of people.

Fanfrickin - I understand what your saying. But I think that if he really didn't like the baby stage then after 3 of them, he should've remembered. And according to him, DD is a pretty easy baby. Parenting is everything I wanted it to be and more.

OP posts:

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