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Original poster

To be heartbroken

85 replies

WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 21:16

DP and I have a 7 month old DD. Before I got pregnant we spoke about having 2 children....he already has 3 from a previous marriage. It was a big discussion because I knew it was a big decision for him as that would mean 5 kids. Anyway he agreed and seemingly not under duress....I'm not that sort of person.

Fast forward to now...I do 90% of baby related stuff. He does a bit of the fun stuff, but he works very long hours and I don't work, so this is not a problem. I love spending all my time with DD!

Now he doesn't want another baby. I'm 38. I waited all my life to meet the right person to have a baby with and as long as I'm able to, that was always going to be 2 babies. I'm heartbroken. I adore DD and I want her to have a sibling. I was an only child and hated it and her youngest step sibling is 9.

I know that I am blessed with DD (had 2 previous miscarriages) but I feel completely cheated that he went along with what I wanted and has now changed his mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 22:24

Yes he is selfish. Definitely not lazy, but very selfish. I've always known this though and accepted it, hence the conversation about 2 children...I couldn't leave it to chance.

Sadly, I think it does trump what I want. If I'd been the sort of person to just get pregnant without the consent of the other person, I would've done it years ago, but that isn't me and I would never do that. I had started to research donor sperm etc...when I was in my early 30s (before I met DP) My friend has just done this and is planning on having another. If I'd done that then I could have my 2 babies.

I love DP very much but this is testing me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 22:28

Babyroobs - He has 3 companies, the most profitable one I have financed from the beginning as I didn't want to just take his money. So we are financially stable.

OP posts:
ballerinabelle · 31/05/2017 22:34

Oh OP this is the worst feeling. My DH had a bit of a wobble and those couple of days were heart breaking for me. It turned out that he was concerned about there being too big an age gap
Between them. DD is 2.9 just now.

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 22:35

I'll be honest, you're really not selling him to us as father/partner of the year. I can't see who benefits from having another child. You will double your not inconsiderable workload, you are already doing it pretty much alone, the hypothetical baby deserves to have a father who can be bothered to parent it, he already has 4 he doesn't do that for and has said he doesn't want to do it for another. They're pretty valid reasons not to have a baby. Also, the first 7 months are actually pretty easy in comparison to the next few years ahead of you wrt child rearing. They get more difficult, faster, louder, more wilful, naughty, sneakier, stubborn, tantrummy, messier. Maybe get those few years out of the way and then look again at whether another one of those whirlwinds is exactly what you need Grin

Sara107 · 31/05/2017 22:39

Maybe the reality of the baby has made him change his mind and he is at least being honest with you. Your baby is still very young, why not wait til she's over a year old, and then talk to him about it again? If he has worries about the financial pressures maybe you getting a job would help? Even if she doesn't have another sibling, you (and dh) can help to create a close relationship between her and her half siblings. Yes there's a big age gap but it doesn't mean a close relationship is impossible. Especially when you are older the age gap isn't necessarily a problem - I have that sort of gap between me and my full siblings.

Original poster
WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 22:46

Bandeau - I am pretty much only seeing his bad points at the moment. He really isn't all bad...I absolutely wouldn't be with him if that were the case. I will say, he is a very good Dad to all his children especially given the the fact that he only sees 2 of them every other weekend (oldest is 18 so she sees him less often). They love him very much and they also love me and DD. I'm 38 so I don't feel as if I have many years to change his mind.

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 22:47

he is a very good Dad to all his children especially given the the fact that he only sees 2 of them every other weekend

That's a contradiction in itself!!

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 22:48

I'm 38 so I don't feel as if I have many years to change his mind.

I don't think you should change his mind, I think you should (or will) change your mind.

cluelessnewmum · 31/05/2017 22:49

I feel for you OP, I think your dp is trying to have his cake and eat it, after all he's got 4 kids but expects you to be happy with just one. To those who say that's sensible of him, maybe it is but it's heartless to agree to two kids then go back on it.

He may be 'allowed' to change his mind but in doing so he's majorly changed the course of your life. You need to talk to him about the extent this affects you and not let him get away with saying flippant remarks about life getting back to normal etc.

A question to ask yourself, if he'd said upfront he only wanted one child with you, would you have accepted it and still started a family with him?

TheweewitchRoz · 31/05/2017 22:49

Regardless of age difference, she has 3 siblings, there's no denying that. I think he's made the right decision as 5 DC is a lot, no matter how many different mothers.

Sorry that doesn't fit with your desires Op, but you did know he had 3 DCs when you met him so I think you need to do your best to move past it now.

phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 22:51

Ops desires?

They had a conversation about it and agreed. Why is it now ok that he doesn't want another. He surely knew op had no kids and wanted 2 so maybe it's him who should move past it!

Original poster
WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 22:54

Bandeau - They live hundreds of miles away!! The youngest would live with us given half a chance! There's plenty of good parents in this sort of arrangement. I think I have a better understanding of our situation than you!

OP posts:
TheweewitchRoz · 31/05/2017 22:55

Absolutely disagree phoenix.

Original poster
WelshMum78 · 31/05/2017 22:56

Oh clueless I don't know! This is the question I am asking myself in an attempt to get past this!

OP posts:
phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 22:58

Disagree with what?

He's essentially lied to the op. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who lied about the most important thing in my life.

Why should op be the one to just get over it and move on when she's been deliberately misled.

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 22:59

Well as someone who is parenting children who see their other parent every other weekend I'm afraid I can't agree that EOW constitutes a "very good parent". They're doing very little parenting at all. Your circumstances might dictate that that's all the contact that is possible but it doesnt change the reality that very little parenting is being done by him.

Wrt to people asking how can he change his mind, well he agreed before he was living with the reality of a baby in the house, you can't seriously expect someone not to reassess after such a life changing event and decide that 1 baby is enough for them? That's really not selfish to recognise that.

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 23:00

Oh Phoenix seriously? Hmm lied? Deliberately misled?

Lostinaseaofbubbles · 31/05/2017 23:00

I remember that conversation. We'd always said two and then after the first he said "actually I'm done" and I was devastated.

You're not unreasonable to be heartbroken. You need to think and talk it through.

Hopefully either he can bring you round to his way of thinking or you can bring him to yours.

For us, we ended up talking about separating because we wanted different things and didn't want the other to resent us.

It's horrible and you're not unreasonable in being upset. But we aren't able to know his reasons so we can't comment on whether they're reasonable or not.

phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 23:02

He already had three children before he met the op. I'm guessing he has some kind of idea what babies were like before agreeing to two more

I understand babies change things I've got one and I will not be having any more however I made that decision after my first.. not my 4th!

I don't think it's the op being selfish at all

I would understand if they had never had the conversation or he didn't know how much this meant to op

phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 23:03

Well what else would you call it?

Maybe he did Just change his mind but I doubt it

pictish · 31/05/2017 23:04

But people change their mind.
And it makes no odds anyway...he doesn't want another baby whether it's selfish or fair or not...he doesn't want one.

Peanutbutterrules · 31/05/2017 23:04

Hi OP - I get how you feel but I think it's a lot having 5 children. I was in a similar situation - DH has two older kids and it can be hard going back to the baby/toddler stage. He agreed to one, and at the time I would have dearly loved 2 but accepted that he felt strongly. I realised that it's different that your DH has changed his mind. My DD use to ask about leaving a full sibling...but she has a great relationship with her half siblings even though there is a 8 and 12 year age gap.

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 23:06

however I made that decision after my first.

Ah so you didn't decide before you had it then? You decided after the baby was born?

phoenixtherabbit · 31/05/2017 23:08

Errrrr yes? How on earth would I be able yo decide before when I had exactly no experience of babies at all?

I didn't have and live with three previous children so it would have been a difficult decision but I'm sure you're intelligent enough to understand it's entirely different to the ops situation

BandeauSally · 31/05/2017 23:10

Wrt his older 3 children, they were children he had several years ago, in a different relationship. We have no idea how he parented those children, perhaps he did very little like with this one and his ex wife did it all. Perhaps he wasn't very involved at all. Or maybe he was working less then and was more hands on and is finding this time round more difficult as he is working loads and can't be as hands on as he wants to be so doesn't want to bring another child into the same situation.

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