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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy cigarettes for a 16 year old

98 replies

Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:00

So I have a stepson 16, he is a smoker and quite fond of it. He smokes inside the house despite me asking not to because of my sons asthma. But this isn't what worries us.

We have cut him off financially so he can't get cigarettes. The money we give him has to be spent in shops and he has to show us the receipts of what he buys and dh has the card for most weekdays and weekends only going out with friends. He doesn't have any job. We have been pretty strict we don't let him withdraw cash and we make sure he only uses the card in branded shops since we know Sainsbury's for example we probably ask for I.D if he were to buy cigarettes.

Despite all of this he has still been able to get hold of cigarettes. Not just a odd 1 or 2. I'm talking enough to maintain 10 to 15 a day. We ask how he is getting them who is paying for them and he won't tell us. He will say that it is from his friends. It is not his friends we know of since dh has asked the parents whether there son is supplying cigarettes and non of them think so.

It is not a small amount of money, dss only smokes Marlboro. Me and dh are worried that he is being exploited by someone so he get them. I read online that he might be dealing drugs to people for cigarettes and is used by drug dealers to get people to deliver. But it's usually with harder drugs and I don't think he would do something like that. He's a smart boy who knows the consequences of something like that. Also we live in a small village in the Home Counties and even in the nearest town I doubt many drug dealers exist. We are now considering just buying him the cigarettes until we get him to stop.

Would this be Aibu.

OP posts:

Instasista · 31/05/2017 19:35

You're a deluding yourself if you think any of that is going to work, lonely. He doesn't want to quit

MissBax · 31/05/2017 19:35

What. The. Fuck.

Instasista · 31/05/2017 19:35

Could they be counterfeit? Maybe sent by the cousins?

tissuesosoft · 31/05/2017 19:37

Do you have this much to spare a month on a kid who is disrespectful and doesn't give a crap about other family members?

harderandharder2breathe · 31/05/2017 19:37

It's a respect thing if he's smoking indoors when you've told him not to

Money is the most powerful motivator to most teens. So stop giving him any. Stop paying for his phone, stop buying him clothes. Until he can prove he can be trusted to keep your house rules and the law

Original poster

Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:38

Don't buy him fags. Educate him about the dangers. Use YouTube so that it's not just you preaching

This is the thing, he's quite funny about things like this he says he wouldn't smoke anything dodgy.

I suppose but I doubt the cousins would go to that much effort. They may buy him some when he is in France with them though.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 31/05/2017 19:41

You pay for his phone, clothes, pocket money, he has Ipad/xbox as well I presume.

If he smokes in the house again he loses everything except three outfits for a month and is grounded.

As for the smoking. I'd take the phone/ipad/box and make giving up a requirement of getting it back.

Bribery works. Let them get what they want while doing what you don't want them to do and they'll do what you don't want them to do. Reward for behaviour you want, deprive for behaviour you don't. And be tough. Mean what you say and don't give in.

Original poster

Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:44

I can assure you all luxuries go for him if he smokes.

OP posts:

TrevorMcDoughnut · 31/05/2017 19:47

Check the packets, may be duty free, a lot cheaper and you can get them nearly everywhere if you know the right people.
Bizarrely it's also illegal to proxy buy electronic cigarettes for under 18s, under the same legislation as tobacco.

Amethistle · 31/05/2017 19:48

Can anyone send me a link for the 18+ age on smoking?

All I find when I search the legal age is 16 for smoking, 18 for buying products.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 19:49

"He wouldn't smoke anything dodgy" Nicotine is dodgy

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 19:51

Eh? It is illegal to BUY cigarettes under 18, not to smoke them. So OP wouldn't be doing anything illegal at all. And in some respect, agree with them that it's better they are not being exploited (ironic, I know). OP, YABU about thinking he is delivering drugs in exchange for cigarettes. I think most people would be happy with cash!

Amethistle · 31/05/2017 19:52

Rad assume she meant 'uncontrolled' type of dodgy.

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 19:52

Can anyone send me a link for the 18+ age on smoking? All I find when I search the legal age is 16 for smoking, 18 for buying products.

That's because that's what the law is.

Amethistle · 31/05/2017 19:54

Mission Exactly what I thought. Police can confiscate smokes off under 16s in public, not 16+. They just can't physically be sold them until 18+... which is fairly backwards surely?

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 19:54

Oh and YANBU for him smoking in the house either. If you do agree to this then I would suggest either making it very clear in the garden only and spraying air freshener when he comes back in (unless that upsets your other childs asthma more) and if he doesn't comply then when you buy them, have them in your possession, give him each one when he is outside.

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 19:58

Mission Exactly what I thought. Police can confiscate smokes off under 16s in public, not 16+. They just can't physically be sold them until 18+... which is fairly backwards surely?

Under 18's can't buy alcohol but parents can legally give it to them from the age of 5 if it's in their own home So yes, backwards, and surprised that these outdated laws haven't been updated. I've often wondered that if an abusive or neglecting parent gave their child alcohol to 'shut them up' and they ended up dying, would they actually be found not guilty in a court of law because they didn't actually break the law?

TrevorMcDoughnut · 31/05/2017 20:00

In the UK it is illegal to buy tobacco products or electronic cigarettes for under 18s www.gov.uk/government/publications/new-rules-about-tobacco-e-cigarettes-and-smoking-1-october-2015/new-rules-about-tobacco-e-cigarettes-and-smoking-1-october-2015

lalalalyra · 31/05/2017 20:01

Given the lengths you've gone too he clearly isn't going to stop. I'd reinstate his money and accept that what he's going to do with it he's going to do with it. He's still doing it, he's not going to stop so how long will you keep this up? I'd be massively concerned about where he was getting them from - cheap cigarettes tend to be dodgy ones and they can be full of all sorts. It's also probably become a cat and mouse game between you all and sometmes you just have to draw a line and hope they see sense.

However, despite all that, the consequences for smoking in the house would be absolutely draconian. Smoking indoors when you live with an asthmatic is disgusting, and he absolutely doesn't respect anyone in your house if he continually does it.

AperolOnIce · 31/05/2017 20:05

I'm not sure what you should do but if he's got a (up to) 20 a day habit that's going to end up costing you a shitload of money!
Have you checked the packets to see where they come from? I believe Marlboro are still relatively cheap in some Eastern European countries - maybe someone is bringing them in from there?

MissionItsPossible · 31/05/2017 20:06

Oh my gosh Trevor that has really surprised me. I honestly thought what I posted was correct. So... they changed the law to stop adults and retailers selling to under 18s but did not change the law allowing 16-17 years old to smoke? Seems like a bit of a lacklustre effort from government to do something about the smoking problem in youth without actually doing much.

Instasista · 31/05/2017 20:09

" I've often wondered that if an abusive or neglecting parent gave their child alcohol to 'shut them up' and they ended up dying, would they actually be found not guilty in a court of law because they didn't actually break the law? shock"

Have you actually wondered this? Seriously?

pudcat · 31/05/2017 20:10

My worry would be .... how is he getting the cigarettes. If he is not spending his money on them he must be doing something to get extra money or payment in cigs. He might have a gardening job you dont know about or he could be stealing or something much worse. 10 a day is going to cost 30 to 35 pounds a week.

AngryGinger · 31/05/2017 20:13

This is the most Home Counties thing I've ever read. I think it highly unlikely he is selling drugs to buy cigarettes. Is it likely a friend who looks older or an older brother of a friend is getting them?

PacificDogwod · 31/05/2017 20:16

He knows you don't want him to smoke.
He's a bright kid - he likely known about the health dangers, but being 16 still believes he is invincible, immortal and bad things only happen to Other People.

I think you need to stop trying to control his smoking, but absolutely insist he does not smoke inside your home.

Also, tell him his penis will stop working if he carries on smoking - this often pulls young male smokers up short

He will need to find his own way and you cannot do this for him. You may well be making him dig his heels in wrt smoking so backing off may allow him to stop/start vaping/whatever while saving face.

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