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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy cigarettes for a 16 year old

98 replies

Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:00

So I have a stepson 16, he is a smoker and quite fond of it. He smokes inside the house despite me asking not to because of my sons asthma. But this isn't what worries us.

We have cut him off financially so he can't get cigarettes. The money we give him has to be spent in shops and he has to show us the receipts of what he buys and dh has the card for most weekdays and weekends only going out with friends. He doesn't have any job. We have been pretty strict we don't let him withdraw cash and we make sure he only uses the card in branded shops since we know Sainsbury's for example we probably ask for I.D if he were to buy cigarettes.

Despite all of this he has still been able to get hold of cigarettes. Not just a odd 1 or 2. I'm talking enough to maintain 10 to 15 a day. We ask how he is getting them who is paying for them and he won't tell us. He will say that it is from his friends. It is not his friends we know of since dh has asked the parents whether there son is supplying cigarettes and non of them think so.

It is not a small amount of money, dss only smokes Marlboro. Me and dh are worried that he is being exploited by someone so he get them. I read online that he might be dealing drugs to people for cigarettes and is used by drug dealers to get people to deliver. But it's usually with harder drugs and I don't think he would do something like that. He's a smart boy who knows the consequences of something like that. Also we live in a small village in the Home Counties and even in the nearest town I doubt many drug dealers exist. We are now considering just buying him the cigarettes until we get him to stop.

Would this be Aibu.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:14

For example this week he's only been given £10 in his account dh checked last night he'd spent £3 in Starbucks that's it. Even if that was brought for cigarettes then friends wouldn't be able to afford at the rate he smokes.

OP posts:
tissuesosoft · 31/05/2017 19:14

Why can't you ban smoking in the house? You would rather risk your DS's chronic lung condition every time a cigarette is lit up then put your foot down to your DSS? Maybe that should be a priority. He'll probably get fed up of smoking outside come the winter

SlB09 · 31/05/2017 19:16

Probably just asking random folk to get them in the shop, teenagers are resourceful when they need to be. As for buying them for him, no way, hes 16 its his choice to ruin his health and parents helping him with that is just a no go for me. If absolutely neccesary buy him e-cigarettes instead on the understanding he does not smoke otherwise. But again, if he wants to he will.

Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:16

Who pays for his phone? If you have cut him off financially already and it's made no difference, time to look at something else.

He has the phone paid for by dh. It's a contract. We haven't cut him off we will still buy clothes etc. We tightly watch his spending. He's in most evenings, weekends usually Saturdays he's out mainly with mates.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 31/05/2017 19:16

How smart is he if he's smoking?

Instasista · 31/05/2017 19:17

"Today 19:14 thelonelyscriptures

@Instasista so instead of helping the kid, you would rather betray his trust and show him the adults are meddlesome stalkers? Im sure he won't have any future issues 👌🏻"

You don't have any suggestions about how to help him though, do you?

Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:18

Why can't you ban smoking in the house? You would rather risk your DS's chronic lung condition every time a cigarette is lit up then put your foot down to your DSS? Maybe that should be a priority. He'll probably get fed up of smoking outside come the winter

I don't tolerate it, if I'm here he will go outside. If I'm not here like today he will smoke in the living rooms. He'll spray aftershave to hide the smell. But I can pick up on it, also my kids pick up on the smell and will tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:20

How smart is he if he's smoking?

He's a smart boy, he's just easily influenced especially by cousins, being an only child they have been like older brothers to him.

OP posts:
tissuesosoft · 31/05/2017 19:21

Wow. If I had a DC who did that knowing another child had asthma I would cut off his money full stop, he's old enough to get a paper round. It's not just a smoking problem you have- it's a respect issue.

thelonelyscriptures · 31/05/2017 19:23

@Instasista well yes. Help him quit. Several different routes to go down.
• educate him why he should quit
• go to the doctors
• reduce the amount he smokes in the house by actually banning it
• be stricter in implementing the ban and restrict his time spent out of the house.

Or if all else fails, then it's the old 'my house my rules, don't like them then leave'. You can still maintain a relationship with the child but you can't allow one to put another's health at risk. At leave I personally feel that anything is better than sneaking around and following them. Permanent damage done to the relationship then.

Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:24

it's a respect issue.

No it's a problem he has and I don't know why he continues. We say how serious it is if ds (who he considers as a friend) has an asthma attack. Also how unpleasant it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:25

*@Instasista well yes. Help him quit. Several different routes to go down.
• educate him why he should quit
• go to the doctors
• reduce the amount he smokes in the house by actually banning it
• be stricter in implementing the ban and restrict his time spent out of the house. *

Done all them things, it's very difficult to enforce when Me or dh aren't in.

OP posts:
tissuesosoft · 31/05/2017 19:26

It is a respect issue if you've told him no and he carries on disregarding your rules. I think you should stop giving him money and pandering to him above the needs of your other DC. He may consider your DC a friend but he isn't respecting him or showing any concern for his health.

DaisyChaining · 31/05/2017 19:27

He probably asks outside the shop. That's what I used to do. Or I'd get my skint mates to ask people for the bargain price of 2 fags Wink

Could you say you'd get his cigarettes if he promises to smoke outside? If you find evidence he's been smoking inside, you'll stop. Because that's a bigger problem than smoking in general, IMO.

Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:28

It is a respect issue if you've told him no and he carries on disregarding your rules. I think you should stop giving him money and pandering to him above the needs of your other DC. He may consider your DC a friend but he isn't respecting him or showing any concern for his health.

So no money at all then, but he does face consequences for smoking inside already. I have said this to dh but he wouldn't cut his son entirely, you mean clothes, phone etc.

OP posts:
MissBax · 31/05/2017 19:29

No offence OP but sounds like he's ruling the roost. Do not allow him to smoke indoors full stop, no if, buts or maybes!
Also you'd be a bit naive to think there's no drug dealers in small towns/villages etc - from my experience that's where drugs can be rife due to little other entertainment for young people.

Radishal · 31/05/2017 19:29

I'd put the child with asthma first. This 16 year old is being devious and stupid. I watched my mum die of lung cancer last year. She gave up in her late 70s for my dd's sake and lived another 7 years before she died. She was a chain smoker who had had a tough life and had smoked since she 13.
There's plenty of help to quit. If my mum could, he could.
Selfish little brat.

thelonelyscriptures · 31/05/2017 19:29

@Natalie1673 you're deluding yourself if you think he respects you. If he did he would at least go outside. I was a smoker and even when my habit was at it's worst I was able to move my ass outside and respect the rules of my house

Squishedstrawberry4 · 31/05/2017 19:30

I would email Your local shops explaining that your son is accessing cigarettes underage and can they be vigilant.

Don't buy him fags. Educate him about the dangers. Use YouTube so that it's not just you preaching

Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:30

*He probably asks outside the shop. That's what I used to do. Or I'd get my skint mates to ask people for the bargain price of 2 fags wink

Could you say you'd get his cigarettes if he promises to smoke outside? If you find evidence he's been smoking inside, you'll stop. Because that's a bigger problem than smoking in general, IMO.*

Yes I'd definitely do it on condition of outside.

No he doesn't smoke cheap fags, he only smokes Marlboro. He's quite fussy, he won't smoke cheap fags he says they are disgusting.

OP posts:
MissBax · 31/05/2017 19:32

What?!?! I can't believe people are actually suggesting buying him cigarettes, I'm sorry but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:32

Don't buy him fags. Educate him about the dangers. Use YouTube so that it's not just you preaching.

Done that, shown every risk, shown how it causes cancer, teeth etc

We have one village shop and we know the man and he would never sell to an under 18. We have also asked him.

OP posts:
MissBax · 31/05/2017 19:33

Yes I'd definitely do it on condition of outside - so you're going to let him manipulate you ibto buying his cigs??? Wow! If he can go outside he can go outside, it shouldn't take bribery!!

tissuesosoft · 31/05/2017 19:34

I'd only buy him the cheap ones then! Marlboros must be over £10 a pack now. Each and every time he disrespects your rules then take his spending money away- make him go out, find a job and earn his keep. He won't want to spend his own money on a £10 a time habit if his parents won't let him walk over them.

Original poster
Natalie1673 · 31/05/2017 19:34

Also to add it's not one or two fags he has he seems to usually have a substantial amount when we search his room. He's never had less than a pack of 20.

OP posts: