To think that my mother should not be writing to my GP?

[witsender]

I have got B12 injections every 3 months due to pernicious anaemia. I also take thyroxin, and iron. I am 19wks pregnant with #3, in good health (fingers crossed etc) and having a peaceful pregnancy so far.

My mother used to be a nurse, and is a worrier. She is always on at me and thinking I am ill or whatever, to the point of crying at my best friend before we announced the pregnancy because she thought I was tired and hiding some hideous illness.

That's the background, so today I have an unexpected phone call from my GP who says he has received a letter from my mother expressing her concern that my medication wasn't being managed properly etc etc. He was calling to see if I was ok, and to reassure me my bloods were all fine. Which I knew. Because as a 36 yr old, fully functioning adult I manage my own care. Which I have also told her, repeatedly. He seemed amused and said it was 'very sweet'...which I don't really agree with.

Please tell me I'm not going mad, and that this is too far? Intrusive? I know that if I mention it she will get all offended and I will end up in the wrong.

Your mother is out of order but so is your GP. He shouldn't have disclosed the information about a third party.

The GP is bound by patient confidentiality. That covers info about his patients' health and treatment. Not the fact someone's relative expressed concern/is prying.

This is very, very intrusive and actually very, very common.

I would suggest to her that her behaviour is troublesome because
A.) It raises some privacy issues
B.) Borders on harassment
C.) Raise some questions about her mental health

As a HCP c.) could make her think for a bit that perhaps she does have some unresolved issues surrounding anxiety which she needs to have investigated via her GP. Ask if she needs someone to accompany her.

If this doesn't resolve it I would sit down and talk to her about boundaries before she starts to take things too far once your baby has arrived. This needs to be hashed out sooner rather than later.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy in peace.

How very overbearing of her!
Glad the GP phoned you though, if only to alert you to her batshit behaviour!
OF course the GP won't have called her/replied to her in any way, that would be wrong - but she's allowed to "alert" them to anything that worries her.
However, it wouldn't hurt you to suggest when you see her that the GP expressed some concerns over your mother's excessive anxiety that drove her to be so interfering...

When one of my parents was dying, I was worried the other was going under psychologically, but was keeping it to themselves. I phoned that parent's GP and said they had suffered anxiety and depression in the past, and could likely do with some help but would not reach out.
Absolutely not the same as your mum's meddling, but just to point out that contacting a GP behind someone's back isn't always a bad idea.

There is something seriously wrong with your mother. Normal people do not act this way.

Can you get your GP/midwife to add something to your notes so they ignore her/refuse to disclose any of your medical details with her?

Your mother was wrong. But it appears she has high levels of anxiety. So it's unlikely she will be able to hear you , should you speak with her about her actions. It's a mental illness and without help she won't change.

One day your mother won't be here to care.

There's always one... Come on, are you seriously saying no-one should ever complain about anything a loved one does because they're going to die some day? Everyone's going to die some day! We get along as best we can, and for the most part we do love and appreciate them, but sometimes they may do something really annoying and we don't have to like it. OP's having a grumble and asking for tips on handling it. Fair enough surely?

I'm sure your gp wouldn't have given her any information anyway but you could ask them to add a note to your record to say she def does not have permission to access your records.

Yes please do this. I had to do similar for a fake 'friend' when I was having a really rough time of it health wise. They'd ring the GPs up, write to them with their 'concerns', ring the hospital if I was admitted you name it, they'd simply say they were my aunt and they'd accept it without query.

Not all places do it OP but it may be worth asking if they have a password system, when my Dad was on HDU, even though they knew my sister and were his children we still had to have a password when ringing to check up on him on the days we couldn't visit. I think all medical type places should have these. GPs included.

I think it sounds like your mum is suffering some severe anxiety around your health have you had any really bad times that might have her worried? Maybe being a nurse she's seen parents lose childrem to much and is terrified if it happening to you?

Her behaviour is not ok but I would try to look at why and see if you can help her with it. You could take her to the gp with you to try to put her mind at rest and maybe help her see her behaviour is a bit crazy.

I started to suffer bad anxiety when pregnant with ds2 it can really take over your life and make you crazy.

Wow, mother cares, worries about daughter, said daughter thinks this is disrespectful? One day your mother won't be here to care.

Your Mum may well have problems of her own to contend with, how about showing her some respect? She did bring you up after all.

There is a big difference between worrying and being intrusive. OPs mother isn't entitled to any information about the OP that she doesn't want to share.

Just because someone will die one day doesn't mean that we should tolerate their bad behaviour in the interim.

Respect is a two-way thing - OPs mother needs to respect OPs boundaries if she wants respect in return.

At the risk of sounding like a teenager, I am not sure children should all be grateful to their parents for bringing them up and as a result of this gratitude allow them to have an unhealthy level of influence over their adult lives.

I'd have been pissed off and seen it as going behind my back

I agree how totally inappropriate it is, but you mention in one post about being in labour and your mum ringing round to find you. Theres something thats clearly a little deeper going on here. Im guessing your relationship with your mother isnt a particularly good one for whatever reason.
Either your mother is just utterly bonkers, baron munchaused-esque, narcissitic etc etc but clearly she has enough information about your health, life, personal issues to then act as she is. Whose telling her these things? Whise telling her you need B12 injections? Who told her about your pernicious anaemia?

The reason I say this, is, it appears youre happy to share all your intimate details with her, happy to raise all your concerns, worries, health issues, yet then object that she reacts/responds as she has. If this is the case, I suggest you shut up. Do you dump your emotional baggage her way, then walk out, expecting a total non-reaction as if she were some neutral therapist? or worse, complain that shes reacted to what shes been told?

Just food for thought, but clearly, she didnt hack your medical records to find out about you.

Has something traumatic happened in her life to make her so anxious about illness. Losing her mother at a young age or a sibling? Unusual behaviour for a nurse as l usually find them very stoic around illness. Its mad but maybe try to get to the root of her health anxiety.

unusual behaviour for a Nurse, I usually find the very stoic around illness

Not always. My erm, 'concerned' friend was a nurse.

Now another friend of mine happens to be an ITU nurse and is very stoic around illness, the type 'well you're still breathing so you don't need to see the doctor for at leaf another year' kind of stoic

*least not leaf

Another one who'd spoken to a GP about someone else and they wouldn't even confirm that person had an appointment (not that I'm complaining, it was reassuring to know their level of confidentiality). They just listened to what I said, thanked me for the information and said goodbye. I know they acted on the information as the other person told me, but they had no idea whatsoever of my involvement.

Could you maybe ask your GP to make it clear, when she next calls him, that her nosiness is entirely inappropriate? I'm wondering if hearing that from a professional would make her think twice. And the same goes for the maternity ward - tell them not to confirm you're there if she rings.

I tell her because she asks and presses, we live near each other so see each other regularly. Tbh I am not in the least concerned about my medical 'stuff' as it is totally minor. As an example nurse, she knows that.

I spoke to her this morning and she has promised not to do it again

She shouldn't do it, (almost) everyone agrees about that, but she does seem to need help getting things in perspective rather than anger. The fact that she was in tears to OPs friend over her fears for OPs health, suggests she genuinely gets very anxious, rather than just interfering for malicious reasons, or because she thinks the OP is incompetent.

The fact that she was in tears to OPs friend over her fears for OPs health, suggests she genuinely gets very anxious, rather than just interfering for malicious reasons, or because she thinks the OP is incompetent.

Or it could just be that the OPs mum enjoys the drama and making it all about her.

Drama and attention-seeking behaviour. And controlling too, needing to know everything like that. Nothing you do or tell her will ever be enough to reassure her, that's not really what's it about.

Your mother is being most unreasonable and the gp should have told her that.

Really couldn't get as worked up as some people, if at all. Flying off the handle and going no contact are utterly ridiculous.

I would merely sit her down and thank her for her concern but assure her that as an adult you are managing your own health.

I would assume it came from a position of love and concern.

"Wow, mother cares, worries about daughter, said daughter thinks this is disrespectful? One day your mother won't be here to care.

Someone else upthread said they would be beyond furious at her behaviour?

Your Mum may well have problems of her own to contend with, how about showing her some respect? She did bring you up after all."

@user1490744254 - there is a HUGE difference between normal loving care, and going behind an adult's back to try to get confidential information from a healthcare professional - that is way over the line, and I am surprised that you can't see that.

Respect has to be earned - I have given birth three times but I do not think that entitles me to information my sons don't choose to give me. For example, ds2 (aged 20) is in the early stages of a new relationship, and doesn't want to talk about it. I could quiz his brothers, to see if he has told them anything, but I won't because that would be hugely disrespectful. I will wait for him to decide how much he wants to tell me, and when.

Posted too soon.

I meant to add - respect has to be earned, and the OP's mum is not going to do that by going behind her back and by not respecting the OP's clearly stated wishes.