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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my mother should not be writing to my GP?

83 replies

witsender · 31/05/2017 18:41

I have got B12 injections every 3 months due to pernicious anaemia. I also take thyroxin, and iron. I am 19wks pregnant with #3, in good health (fingers crossed etc) and having a peaceful pregnancy so far.

My mother used to be a nurse, and is a worrier. She is always on at me and thinking I am ill or whatever, to the point of crying at my best friend before we announced the pregnancy because she thought I was tired and hiding some hideous illness.

That's the background, so today I have an unexpected phone call from my GP who says he has received a letter from my mother expressing her concern that my medication wasn't being managed properly etc etc. He was calling to see if I was ok, and to reassure me my bloods were all fine. Which I knew. Because as a 36 yr old, fully functioning adult I manage my own care. Which I have also told her, repeatedly. He seemed amused and said it was 'very sweet'...which I don't really agree with.

Please tell me I'm not going mad, and that this is too far? Intrusive? I know that if I mention it she will get all offended and I will end up in the wrong.

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 31/05/2017 19:19

That's inappropriate (to say the least).

Your GP should know to ignore anything from her but if I were you I'd definitely have a word with that GP and ask them to ensure she isn't told anything.

MissBax · 31/05/2017 19:21

I'd write to her GP about her OCD/paranoia/hyperchondria!

wickerlampshade · 31/05/2017 19:21

Inappropriate - but of course your GP won't disclose anything to her. I'm a GP and I'm privy to all sorts of odd family dynamics.

If we receive anything from a third party we file it but would never disclose any info without consent from the patient. never.

annandale · 31/05/2017 19:23

I frequently advise people concerned about other's health to write to their gp - maybe I'll think twice now

In itself i don't think it's a terrible thing to do but it's part of an overall picture clearly. I think absolute refusal to discuss any health issue with her is probably the way forward.

JennyOnAPlate · 31/05/2017 19:24

Massively inappropriate.

I would tell your mum you're changing gp (even if you're not) as a result of her actions and won't be telling her who the new GP is.

DomJolyNurse · 31/05/2017 19:25

It's too far. I think you should speak to her. Is it possible she has anxiety? Could you gently suggest that she needs to get it under control somehow?

Serialweightwatcher · 31/05/2017 19:36

Does sound like she has anxiety and I suppose with you having a few problems it is praying on her mind. You need to tell her that she mustn't interfere and you are fine and completely capable of looking after yourself - if she persists, you need to be a lot firmer

LovelyBath77 · 31/05/2017 19:42

I had this too from my mum!

I was at the GP's and noticed on the screen it said my mother had rang but they couldn't give out info due to confidentiality. I didn;t say anything to the GP. It got worse in pregnancy as well- she was ringing the birthing centre so when I got there they knew me as 'the one whose mum has been ringing'- really embarrassing and also mums need to get through in the phone.

I am now NC with my mum due to this and other things. It ended up with my brother and I having to hide information like our workplaces as she's phone there too. Nightmare.

LovelyBath77 · 31/05/2017 19:43

I think it is that they need reassurance, but seemed not to trust me to provide it and go above me to an 'expert'. Infantilising in the process. Mine still sends me packs of vitamins in the post!

AuldHeathen · 31/05/2017 19:48

Totally inappropriate.

My parents did something like that years ago, not about me but one of my sons. They contacted a surgeon at the children's hospital because they didn't feel I was giving the right answers/asking the correct questions about the boy's care. Despite being a hcp myself and being very clued up on my son's care which was excellent at that stage. Of course it just got written off as them caring too much. And the surgeon was quite unfazed by it.

AuldHeathen · 31/05/2017 19:52

Oh yes, my dad phoned thelabour ward during my first labour (which was very long). They just turned up when I had the last. Fortunately it was after thebaby was out. They couldn't really see that their meddling got my back up and made me dig my heels in more.

ScarlettFreestone · 31/05/2017 19:58

I'd be volcanically angry about this.

I would calmly tell my Mum
That she had behaved in a deeply inappropriate manner and had embarrassed me.

I'd also be informing her that from now on she would no longer be receiving updates on any of my health concerns.

Justmuddlingalong · 31/05/2017 20:04

I would tell her she needs to stop interfering, if she wants any kind of relationship with 'the quads'...

Lunalovepud · 31/05/2017 20:06

YANBU.

And I am not convinced that your mum is a worrier, she sounds to me like she is a bit of a control freak, loves the drama and has a need to make everything all about her.

Original poster

witsender · 31/05/2017 20:51

That's what my husband thinks, he isn't her greatest fan.

She had health issues undiagnosed about 20 years ago, and I think maybe it has left her mistrustful. However at the same time she pushes us towards the doctors at any given opportunity and thinks pills cure everything.

I'm not going to message or call this evening despite how peed off I am, I think I will mention in person that the doc phoned, and confirmed what I had said all along about my very minor medical needs being well under control, and that I'm really not very happy at her actions. And take it from there

OP posts:

Lunalovepud · 31/05/2017 21:38

I think you're wise not to call her while you are cross, unfortunately I think you are probably wasting your time whenever you speak to her...

Any reproach for her bad behaviour will only be met with gaslighting or comments like - I was worried because you don't tell me anything / most people would be pleased that someone cared so much about them / you are being very harsh (or hard or difficult) I only did it because I care and I'm so worried... potential tears for effect

I may be being harsh on her but it all seems very familiar to me! Look after yourself first - she will be fine whatever you choose to do.

PurpleDaisies · 31/05/2017 21:41

My mil is like this-she had anxiety issues that mean she finds it very hard to accept it when we don't make choices she approves of and just won't let it go.

I think a firm face to face chat with your mum about what on earth prompted her to do this and that it was totally inappropriate is what probably needs to happen.

ouiddingme · 31/05/2017 21:48

Ignoring it totally and never bringing it up again will annoy her more. And asking your GP to disregard further communication.

anna231a · 31/05/2017 21:52

My mum is like this as well, although not quite to the point of phoning my GP. I don't tell her anything about my health now, I think it's easier for her and a lot easier for me. LovelyBath77 - yes I've had the vitamins in the post as well .

Original poster

witsender · 31/05/2017 22:48

I have had vitamins delivered, along with meals etc.

When we first told.them I was pregnant I had phone calls every day telling me it was her right/job to nag me, she was my mother etc. That I should formula feed, have a c-section, listen to her, go to the doctors, push for this, push for that, accept their help etc. She even.messaged my husband to say the same. He told her kindly but firmly that the most help to.us would be knowing that they are there if we need anything, but that at present I don't..
I am healthy so far, there is no drama, I don't need to be told what to do. And that I hate being the centre of attention so just leaving me alone would be a good thing!

OP posts:

SchnauzerLife · 31/05/2017 22:55

It sounds like she truly doesn't recognise appropriate boundaries. I think you're right to make sure you're calm before speaking to her in person

allowlsthinkalot · 31/05/2017 23:53

Your mother is out of order but so is your GP. He shouldn't have disclosed the information about a third party.

notapizzaeater · 01/06/2017 00:20

Your mother sounds nuts TBH ! Your own personal stalker ....

user1490744254 · 01/06/2017 03:10

Wow, mother cares, worries about daughter, said daughter thinks this is disrespectful? One day your mother won't be here to care.

Someone else upthread said they would be beyond furious at her behaviour?

Your Mum may well have problems of her own to contend with, how about showing her some respect? She did bring you up after all.

MaitlandGirl · 01/06/2017 03:18

I've contacted GPs before (as a previous poster has) when I've been been concerned that specific information isn't being passed on to the GP.

I did this for my partner with her mental health issues and for my MIL when we knew her pain medication wasn't sufficient but she kept telling him everything was fine (because crying in pain everyday is 'fine'!)

There's a time and a place for extra input from family members, but it sounds like your mum has well and truly overstepped the mark. Whether it's well meaning interference or controlling behaviour is something only you can decide, but I hope you're able to keep a positive relationship with her.

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