To think I'm a really rubbish mum

[Fitnessfanatic28]

My son is 4 and he bores me to tears. I'm not depressed, I love him more than I can describe and he is in no way neglected as I meet all his needs.

I just don't enjoy doing any of it. I'm just playing a part when I'm with him. Pretending to enjoy playing with him, pretending to enjoy his conversation. Truth is I'm just not a maternal person and in hindsight I probably would have been better off not becoming a mother.

I don't regret him now he's here but I'd not have got pregnant if I'd known what having a child would be like. I don't know why I had one as I always found children boring. I was always that person who didn't cat when a co worker brought their newborn baby into work.

I work full time and love my job. I'm generally a happy person who loves my friends and family.

I can't wait for him to grow up so he's able to have interesting conversations and is more independent.

AIBU to say I'm a pretty awful mum?

I don't think I can change but I've come to accept it now. My Son is here now.

I remember the awful jokes "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "I don't know, why did the chicken cross the road?" "Umm, I don't know" followed by half an hour of cackling!

I totally understand that not everyone enjoys motherhood as much as I did but I am quite shocked at the language being used by women against their own children. Lots of people seem angry and resentful and that's just a shame.

It's normal to find children a bit boring or aspects of parenting boring. But not enjoying is not normal IMO. And I say that as someone who had severe PND that was undiagnosed for a couple of years. It affects you in weird ways. Not saying that you're depressed but no it isn't normal to find everything boring.

I think some kids are tougher than others. Dd1 was a nightmare at 4 for various reasons, whereas dd2 is a delight and I'd keep her in my pocket 24 hours a day if I could.

I don't mind at all doing typical kids stuff they love eg park. My problem was that dd1 never engaged with things for long so we moved from one thing to the next. She also didn't express herself clearly so conversations were frustrating. She may be on the autistic spectrum however. I think the conversations do get more interesting as they grow up! There is plenty to look forward to.

You are not a rubbish mum. It sounds as if you do loads. Small children can be extremely boring. Life with small children can be extremely boring.

As bringback says, there is so much pressure to cherish every moment that we feel we are failing if that is not the case. I strongly believe this pressure only makes parents who do not enjoy every split second feel even worse.

Of course there are many parents who love every moment and that is great. Lots of others are just getting through it the best way they can. A therapeutic moan does wonders at times all the time. Don't kid yourself that everyone else loves every second. .

That said, if you are not enjoying any of it, ever at all then it may be worth a chat to your GP / HV.

I agree with PP that something is up if you don't enjoy any of it.

I get that endless role play, board games etc are not everyone's cup of tea but if there is really nothing you enjoy (reading to him? Going out for meals together? Exploring countryside with him? Cooking with him?) then I think that is very sad and I do wonder if you need to change your setup.

I think having only one child can be very demanding on the parent, and my friends with an only definitely did more getting on the floor and playing and having to be a companion to their child than I did with two of them- I left them to play together a lot!

I always knew I was a slightly selfish type of a person and wouldn't enjoy faking stuff as a mum, so I have done a combination of things- I never played things like Playmobil with them myself, I had two kids, they played together, or I took them to playgroup or round other people's houses or to the childminder and let them do lots of playing socially there, with them learning to play on their own at home. The children also got older, say 5 and 7 onwards was much easier- take them to the park, let them play and read my book, looking up interestedly every now and again. They also learned to socialise with children who were in the park/beach and 'made friends' literally everywhere. I also take them to lots of clubs, have a big birthday bash once a year and so on- but play on my hands and knees some boring fake game of pretend, nope, just couldn't do it. Board games/lots of days out- husband or mum did them, I came to some but it wasn't something I relished.

I have come into my own now they are older, as I'm a good listener, fiercely defensive of them and always think they are brilliant. Happy to be a taxi service within limits, buy anything they want, listen to tales of friends/who fancies who. I find older children easier in general.

It may be you haven't hit the good stage for your talents yet OP, you may also be depressed. Even though I didn't do pretend play when they were little, I did still enjoy the children's company and find them funny and amusing, enjoyed snuggles and so on- if none of this is enjoyable to you, it suggests a more blanket feeling about life that may be depression.

Although I see you say you enjoy your work/outside parenting, so perhaps not depressed...

I have brought up my now teen children as a lone parent and it can be tough and relentless. I think sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking we should enjoy something with our kids,but really the enjoyment comes from their pleasure.
The things you enjoy are going to he different,when my kids were 4 I was in my late 20s I liked ,given the choice live bands,drinking beer,watching movies .28 and 4 year olds tend not to have joint interests. Now at 14 and 15 we do.
So perhaps take the pressure off don't think I must try and enjoy this,occasionally try to enjoy your D's enjoying things and try to find time to enjoy doing things you really enjoy.

I agree with a lot of what foureyes has said. I also don't do "playing" but I've always taken them to loads of places - I think we must know every park / woods / museum etc etc within a 20 mile radius of our house. When they were very small I used to do lots of playgroups etc. As a result, my older two (10&7) are great at playing with lots of different children but are also pretty good at playing on their own.

Fingers crossed the 4 year old follows suit please God

4 year ols are hard work

Helendee I'm sure Mumsnet is awash with threads full of mums banging on about how much they love every minute with their kids. If you find this one so upsetting, why not go and read one of those?

All the mums sympathising with the op, and the op herself, have been very clear they love and care for their kids, just struggle to find them interesting. With pertinent examples of why! As long as the children are loved and happy/oblivious, what's so sad about frustrated mums blowing off a little steam on a message board?