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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm a really rubbish mum

87 replies

Fitnessfanatic28 · 31/05/2017 17:57

My son is 4 and he bores me to tears. I'm not depressed, I love him more than I can describe and he is in no way neglected as I meet all his needs.

I just don't enjoy doing any of it. I'm just playing a part when I'm with him. Pretending to enjoy playing with him, pretending to enjoy his conversation. Truth is I'm just not a maternal person and in hindsight I probably would have been better off not becoming a mother.

I don't regret him now he's here but I'd not have got pregnant if I'd known what having a child would be like. I don't know why I had one as I always found children boring. I was always that person who didn't cat when a co worker brought their newborn baby into work. Grin

I work full time and love my job. I'm generally a happy person who loves my friends and family.

I can't wait for him to grow up so he's able to have interesting conversations and is more independent.

AIBU to say I'm a pretty awful mum?

I don't think I can change but I've come to accept it now. My Son is here now.

OP posts:
mynotsoperfectlife · 31/05/2017 21:01

Personally when we go to museums mine have the attention span of flies with ADHD and it's 'Mummy, look at THIS' but she's flitted off by the time I get there or trying to eat the Egyptians display or something Hmm

Yeah I find the chatting a load of nonsense boring!

It's not personal. I think a lot of people miss this. You can love your child with every fibre of your being and be bored by them because when all is said and done, they are three or four or whatever. When people earnestly talk about finding 3 yos, fascinating I tend to assume they must know a lot of boring people!

My DD1s phase is poems. So we have to keep finding rhyming words. 'Mummy, what rhymes with cat?' So I go through the alphabet - black, fat, sat - mummy, MUMMY, the black cat sat and he is fat! MUMMY! Oh my Jesus I KNOW DD I JUST TOLD YOU THAT. Grin Obviously what I SAY is 'Oh wow! Well done! Oh, you're so CLEVER! Shall we draw a picture of the fat black cat?'

Argghhh. Ten times today I have drawn a fat black cat. TEN.

Mumoftu · 31/05/2017 21:02

And quality time doesn't need to mean role play games or similar. He can help with things you are doing anyway - dusting, pairing socks, helping prepare a meal. My kids chopped anything that could be chopped with a butter knife from as soon as they could.

Firenight · 31/05/2017 21:04

It does get better. Once they can read and whole worlds of independent intellectual exploration open up! My 7 year old can be an absolute pleasure to go around a museum or art gallery with.

RebelRogue · 31/05/2017 21:06

trying to eat the Egyptians display or something 

😂😂😂😂

Loubymoo27 · 31/05/2017 21:13

I could've written this post!! I feel exactly the same about my 4 yo dd!! You are not alone. I love her so much but I find being a mum tedious! I miss my old life and Im so jealous of mums who find it "so rewarding" and say things like "even though it's hard work it's so worth it!!" I could cry!!

My daughter is amazing and funny and she brings me joy but I know how you feel op! Flowers

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 31/05/2017 21:19

Perhaps it will be better for you when he is older. I expected to find the baby and early years hard, tedious even. I loved it, never happier. Now they are 13 and 10 and I'm finding it hard, they don't need me as much, I don't 'get' the things they are into. They can be argumentative, they want to be completely independent...but it doesn't work out all the time. It's not my favourite bit.

I think we all find different ages and stages harder than others. Sounds like you're giving your son everything he needs, nobody said you have to 'feel it' to do it. I worry that because mine are older they know I'm struggling right now...but then they seem happy enough...

MuncheysMummy · 31/05/2017 21:23

My little boy is very hard work but I love him to bits and love every minute we spend together. It's a shame for your child that they have a parent who feels this way,don't kid yourself for a moment that a bright child won't soon know you are faking being interested in them. It's such a cruel world that there are people like you out there sadly fortunate enough to have a child yet lots of people yearn for one and aren't able to who would cherish every moment Sad

mynotsoperfectlife · 31/05/2017 21:24

This is all contributing to my theory that some people really aren't that bright.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/05/2017 21:36

Yanbu.
Some things that worked for me;

  1. If we're role playing - I bagsy the role of mummy working (i.e. I go on the computer) , or baby (if I fancy a little bit of shut-eye) etc
  2. I make sure I give them time when I am totally listening to them and their inane chat - but I do it a time the same time as I'm doing something else - folding washing, making dinner etc
mctat · 31/05/2017 21:46

'fortunate enough to have a child yet lots of people yearn for one and aren't able to who would cherish every moment'

Hmm No one cherishes every moment, Muncheys. And no, OP does not have to take responsibility for the feelings of those with fertility difficulties.

Helendee · 31/05/2017 21:49

I'm actually amazed at how so many mums on this site seem to actively dislike their children. I honestly don't understand it. As a mother of four now adult children and granny to four wonderful little people under the age of five I count them all as an absolute blessing. It is a privilege to be a mother, sadly denied to many women. I am totally prepared for the flaming I will inevitably receive but how can anyone find their child to be 'boring'? Every day is a voyage of discovery with young kids, even something as banal as blowing seeds off of a dandelion becomes a thing of wonder when a child does it for the first time. Motherhood is tiring and relentless but the rewards far outweigh that in my experience. Enjoy every second with your precious babies, they are only yours for a short time.

mynotsoperfectlife · 31/05/2017 21:54

How can anyone find their child to be boring?

Hmm

"Mummy, I don't want to go to nursery ... I don't want to NO because ... DD2 is, she is ... mummy ... MUMMY. And mummy I want my hair in a ponytail and GREEN no, GREEN it's not green ... I need reggie (toy tiger thing) no, and Dora (duck) no I need DORA ... mummy I want to go on the swings please ... yes mummy I do because DD2 wants to as well, she told me"

yaaarrghhhhhh.

I love the child. I would remove my shoes and walk across hot coals for the tiniest amount of happiness on her part. I would endure anything for her. But yes, I don't find monologues like the above enthralling.

It doesn't mean I dislike her. That's like disliking my cat for permanently being on the wrong sid elf the door. She's a toddler, it's what they do. We can be annoyed by it! Grin

Helendee · 31/05/2017 22:02

There's a difference between being naturally annoyed by things your child/ren does, they are totally ego-centric little creatures after all but that's just a natural part of their development, I'm sure they find life trying and frustrating too. Boring though? Nope.

OrallyFixated · 31/05/2017 22:04

I hear ya OP. My 3.5yr old is a miserable joy-sucker. He can be negative from the get-go, say "no" to everything, scream and demand from me all day etc and yes, can be very boring.

If he had his way he'd stay in all day watching YouTube, eat the same food at the same time, go to bed at 7pm. Me? I wanna be out meeting friends, going to parks, trying different food, staying up a bit later some nights.

We have to sacrifice a lot when they're younger, I'm sure it'll get easier.

RebelRogue · 31/05/2017 22:04

people yearn for one and aren't able to who would cherish every moment 

My best friend tried for years for another child, had several miscarriages,infertility treatments,poking,prodding,ivf etc... not only will she always listen when i moan about dd bing boring and whingy amd what not,she joins in about her own DD! And I'm sure she'll moan about the baby that sh went though so much to have. Because they can be boring and annoying and mind numbing,doesn't man we dislike them or don't love them.

Helendee · 31/05/2017 22:05

He's a little boy not an adult. Of course he wants and needs routine. What's wrong with that?

Tinseleverywhere · 31/05/2017 22:06

I think it's a bit concerning that you say you don't enjoy any of the time with your son. I totally get that some people don't like imaginary play or whatever and some days can be hard work. But I think it's a bit unusual not to ever enjoy anything, even if it's just watching them sleeping. Most people would say there kids can be annoying but they are very cute or amusing. Taking them to the park might be boring but it normally feels nice to see them enjoying themselves.
So if you genuinely don't enjoy any of the time with your ds I would be a bit concerned.

Tinseleverywhere · 31/05/2017 22:07

Just noticed a rough incorrect there in my post, sorry grammar nazis Blush

RebelRogue · 31/05/2017 22:13

Playing with imaginary things
Dd : mummy give me a fork.
I pass IMAGINARY fork.
Dd: nooo,you gave me a spoon!
I pass another IMAGINARY fork.
Dd: noooo mummy! That's plastic. A metal spoon!
Passes IMAGINARY metal spoon.
Dd: muuuummyyyy you're doing it wrong!! This is blue,i need the red one.
I pass the fucking cunting stupid IMAGINARY RED METAL SPOON,!
Dd: thank you mummy,now get me a plate.
ZRepeat.. it was square not round, it was pink not blue,it didn't have flowers,it had flowers but they were the wrong flowers...

Dd: now get me a spoon.

Me: kill m now!!(in my head)

You tell me that's not boring,enjoyable and cherish every minute...of the frikking 30 min long debacle.

Helendee · 31/05/2017 22:16

Lol. It never used to wind me up that much I must admit. Yes I really did enjoy playing with my kids, I was always aware it was only short term and not long before they were off to school.

HottySnanky · 31/05/2017 22:18

"Cherish every moment"

FFS

"Come on dd2, let's go and change your nappy because you've done a poo, then you can go back in the sandpit"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH NO WANT IT NO WANT IT

Yeah I really cherished that particularly life-affirming moment.

Helendee · 31/05/2017 22:21

But that's natural, all kids do that. Is this just a moan about how awful kids are thread? How about some positivity for balance.

RebelRogue · 31/05/2017 22:30

Oh and the awful made up jokes.
The first time i was so proud and i know it's actually part of her development and made a fuss. Then laughed because her expression and the ridiculousness of them was hilarious. Then laughed because that's what you do....then regretted it all after about the 30th "knock knock.who's there? Monkey. Monkey who? Monkeys eat bananas,the answer is always bananas" WTF!?!

Faffandahalf · 31/05/2017 22:34

I agree that all that shit is awful.

I'm not from the cherish every moment camp at all. I'm not naturally maternal at all. Don't like other people's babies or young kids at all. They are deathly dull. Even mine own are a lot of the time (most?)

But...but... the OP seems to be saying she doesn't enjoy anything at all about her son and that every moment with him she fakes it.

That isn't normal imo. I fake a lot of the cheery 'yeh I'll be Lego batman you be Lego superman' crap and the endless crying and whinging about stuff makes me want to scream. I am very impatient with both mine and can't stand toddler tantrums. I often want to just fuck off Somewhere.

But there are moments of pure real joy. It took a long tim for DS to talk and the first I love you didn't come till
Nearly 4. It floored me.
And yes the inane chatter with cuddles at night makes me soft inside. It's the calmest part of the day and he is just so lovely in that moment to me. I couldn't fake any of that.

OP I hope you have small
Moments of happiness like this because otherwise it's a sad life to lead and soon he'll see through the fakery.

bringbackfonzi · 31/05/2017 22:38

Helendee I think some people feel we need the negativity for balance. Because to some it feels like motherhood is presented as wonderful all the time ("cherish every moment") and this leads to feelings of guilt/inadequacy in those mothers (i.e. most mothers) who don't love every second. So venting and reading on Mumsnet about the tough bits is helpful and makes such people better mothers because they don't feel guilty and rubbish as well as bored.